How it began - a Cabenson story
by darkclocks
Summary: The beginnings of Alex and Olivia - starting as friends ... then more. (not connected to any other AO universes I've written).
1. Friends

_A/N: Here I am with another fic ... that for now, is a standalone one-shot, but I'm leaving it open ended. I need to finish up some others before I start a new series/universe :-) But hope you enjoy anyway._

 _Figure late Season 2, young and sprite._

 _Word count: About 3,000; Rating: G-rated_

* * *

 **HOW IT BEGAN**

"What's wrong?"

Olivia Benson didn't even hear Elliot Stabler's question even though he was sitting just across from her, their desks facing each other; her head was buried in a case file that she also wasn't focusing very much on.

"Liv, did you hear me?" he asked again

"Huh? No, sorry, I didn't," she said, barely looking up from what she was doing.

"What's wrong?" he asked again.

Olivia gave him a confused look. "Why do you think something is wrong?" she asked.

Elliot grinned. "You've been reading the same page of that lab report for about 20 minutes," he said.

"I'm not a doctor, El," Olivia said. She hadn't realized how long she had let her mind wander. "I just want to make sure I understand the results."

"Uh huh," Elliot said, but he knew his partner was full of shit. There was nothing confusing in the report and their medical examiner Melinda had already explained everything to them.

Olivia went back to her file, quickly moving on from the page she had been on for 25 minutes now.

"Any plans this weekend? Date?" he asked.

"Now I'm going to wonder what is wrong with you asking if I have a date," Olivia said, finally tossing the file aside and giving Elliot her attention. "I don't even remember the last time I had a date."

"What about that guy from the 2-8? Davis, right?" Elliot asked. "You talked to him lately?"

Olivia shook her head. "No."

"Why not? He seemed nice enough. Good cop, at least," Elliot said. He knew his partner wasn't interested in Davis, but he also knew something was up, so he was trying to dig.

"He was alright," Olivia said. "But, I don't know, just not my type. Besides, he lives out in Queens."

"What's wrong with Queens?" Elliot said, acting offended. "I live in Queens."

"I'm not dating you," Olivia said. "Though I do probably see you more than Kathy and the kids."

"That's true," Elliot said, then paused to think for a minute. "So, you only date in your neighborhood now?"

"El, why the sudden interest in my dating life?" Olivia said. "Don't you have better things to do?"

"Ok, ok," Elliot said. "I just wanted to know if you had plans this weekend. You should make some friends."

"I don't have plans this weekend and I have enough friends," Olivia said. She got up from her desk and began to gather her things, done with the conversation.

"You leaving?" Elliot called out as Olivia walked toward the door.

"Yeah, cause according to you, I need to get out more often," Olivia said, rolling her eyes and sarcasm dripping in her tone. She stepped on the elevator and left.

#

Part of Olivia knew Elliot was right. She probably did need more friends – at least friends she bothered to spend time with. Most of her social circle revolved around Elliot, Fin and Munch. SVU had taken over her life since she joined the squad a few years ago. She didn't mind though. She loved her work and she knew how unbelievable important it was. It was a small sacrifice to her to give up social hour to help a rape survivor get even an extra hour of sleeping knowing their attacker was behind bars.

She turned to head toward the train to head home, then thought better.

 _It was Friday night._

Olivia knew she could head into the pub across the street – a popular cop bar – and find a dozen or so people she knew. Surely, she could bear to be social for one night. Maybe it would get Elliot of her case for a while. Besides, drinking a beer with other people was less sad than having a beer alone in her apartment.

When she walked in the door, Olivia quickly scanned the room for familiar faces. There was a couple of guys she worked patrol with; a woman she was in academy with – though Olivia didn't particularly like her very much; a few officers from the 1-5 she'd worked a few cases with in the past year.

"Benson, I didn't think you ever left SVU."

Olivia looked up and saw Abbie Carmichael. She'd worked with SVU as the ADA on a handful of cases. At least she was a friendly face.

"Carmichael, good to see you," Olivia said. "How are you?"

"Good. And I'd love to catch up, but I'm on my way out," Abbie said. "A date with some defense attorney that I'm sure will leave me unsatisfied, but at least I'll get an overpriced dinner and some good wine out of it. Though, I'd prefer beer."

Olivia smiled. She felt the same way. "Well, it was good to see you."

"Same," Abbie said. "In fact, I was just talking about you with Cabot. Looks like SVU finally found someone brave enough to stick around and deal with you all."

"Yeah, she's pretty good at what she does," Olivia said, though she was just as soon change the subject.

"Anyway, she's back there if you're looking for her. But be warned, she's with a bunch of lawyers," Abbie said.

Olivia laughed. "Thanks for the warning."

Olivia glanced to the back, but didn't see her ADA just yet. Alex had been with them almost a year and Olivia still didn't have a good read on her. She was so stiff – Olivia couldn't honest imagine Alex in a pub. But Olivia knew several of the ADAs liked to come to the popular cop bars; Munch always hypothesized it was their way of trying to look normal and approachable to the cops they had to work with. Of course, with Munch, he also assumed they were also spying on them, too, to some degree.

Olivia decided to avoid the lawyers and headed over to the bar and get a beer. No sooner had she put her hand up to get the bartender's attention, did a couple of guys from the 1-5 get her attention.

"Benson, what are ya drinking?" Sexton said.

"I got it," Olivia said.

"Well, it's up to you, but I probably owe you at least a few for all your help a couple months ago on that eastside case," he said.

"It's true," Lopez said. "We were in way over our heads until you and your partner showed up."

Olivia relaxed a little bit. "Alright. I'll take whatever you all are drinking."

Sexton got her beer and she followed them back to a table with a few other officers – including one other woman. Olivia took a seat next to the woman and introduced herself to everyone.

They all chatted for a bit – sometimes as a group, sometimes in smaller groups at the table. Olivia stuck mostly to talking to Sexton and Lopez. Of course, at cop bars, most of the conversations revolved around their jobs and perps they busted. Olivia didn't like to talk a lot about her work since it could be heartbreaking to hear, so she mostly listened.

While she was starting her second beer, she looked across the room and saw Alex Cabot laughing. It wasn't something Olivia had ever really seen Alex do, aside from a time or two when Alex went out with the group. It was a side to Alex that Olivia wasn't accustomed to seeing.

She caught herself watching the blonde – that is until Alex saw her. Olivia looked down and grew even more nervous when she saw Alex get up and start to walk toward her. She wasn't sure why. She talked to Alex nearly every day.

"Benson, you trying to avoid your ADA?" Alex asked, smiling and trying to break the ice.

Olivia shook her head. "Of course not," she said. "You're the only one we can get to stick around." Olivia looked up and Lopez and Sexton were deep in conversation, and about 4 beers deep. She turned back to Alex.

"You all make it easier," Alex said. "I'm sorry, you don't want to talk about work. I was actually just heading out and surprised to see you. I was pretty sure you slept at SVU."

Olivia tilted her head back with a little chuckle. "Yeah, people keep telling me that tonight," Olivia said. "Maybe it's a sign I need to get out a bit more."

"Well, it's a pretty big world out there. And despite what we see everyday, I have to believe most of it's good and beautiful," Alex said, still smiling. Olivia caught herself staring around.

"Ah, we haven't completely turned you into a cynic yet," Olivia said. "I'd offer you something to drink if you weren't leaving."

"Unfortunately, I have to go," Alex said. "But, um, I don't know how you feel about the farmer's market, but a friend of mine has a new booth she'll be at tomorrow. Would you be interested in joining me? Like you, I also need to get out a bit more."

Alex's invite caught Olivia off guard for a moment.

"Oh, I…

"It's okay, you can say no," Alex said, laughing nervously at Olivia stumbling. "You probably don't want to hang out with your ADA."

"Oh, no, not that," Olivia said. "I think it sounds fun, actually."

"Ok, then," Alex said. "Do you want to go early then have brunch after?"

"Sure, what time?"

"That's a good question," Alex said. "Let me see when Amber is going to be set up and I'll call you later tonight if that is okay."

Olivia nodded and watched as Alex left, unsure what she felt about spending time outside of work with Alex Cabot.

"That your ADA?" Sexton asked once Alex was gone.

"Yeah, Cabot," Olivia said.

"She's hot," Sexton said.

"You're such a chauvinist," Lopez said. "Though, I will admit, she's a beautiful woman. It must be a requirement to work in SVU." Lopez grinned at Olivia, but she also knew he was just being polite – at least she didn't think he was hitting on her.

"Well, I don't know about that," Olivia said. "But Cabot is a good ADA."

"If she's single, tell her to him me up," Sexton said, laughing and slightly slurring at this point.

Olivia smiled, shook her head and went back to finishing her beer, then went home.

#

Olivia woke up earlier the next morning than she needed to. She hadn't slept well and she was fairly nervous about her day with Alex. She even almost cancelled on her.

She wanted to blame it on the newness of spending time outside of work with the squad's ADA, but she also knew it wasn't that weird. She'd hung out with Abbie a time or two. It wasn't that odd.

No, Olivia knew it was something more, but wasn't quite ready to admit it. Earlier Friday, when she was spacing while looking at the file, she had been thinking about Alex.

Olivia and Alex had had a disagreement about a case several days prior, and that wasn't usual. But what was different, or what was becoming a trend, was the emotion that Alex revoked out of Olivia, the passion. It was frustrating that Alex knew just what buttons to push, but Olivia also knew how to push Alex's and started doing it more often. She hated to admit it, but she kind of enjoyed it. There was just – something.

The best part for Olivia was it didn't matter how much they disagreed. Once they were done, they moved passed it for the good of the case. Olivia appreciated that about Alex – she didn't seem to hold grudges if challenged.

To be honest, Olivia hadn't been able to get Alex out of her head for days. She wanted to get to know her better, so the Saturday invite seemed like it should be a good thing. She now had that opportunity and a chance to see if Alex Cabot ever relaxed or if she really was like the "ice princess" nickname she had earned.

But she was still scared. The things she was feeling, wasn't what she should be feeling and Olivia wasn't sure what to do with it.

#

Olivia arrived right on time to their meeting place. Alex wasn't there yet, so she bought a coffee from the coffee cart and grabbed a seat on a bench. It was a beautiful morning – albeit earlier than she would normally get up on a Saturday unless she was going jogging.

She had somehow managed to calm her nerves as she made her way over and was finally completely relaxed. Of course, she had walked there instead of taking the bus or train. The fresh air helped clear her head and focus on just enjoying a day out. She sat and just took in the beauty of the city.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry I'm late." Olivia heard Alex's voice and turned around, but didn't expect what she saw.

There was Alex in blue jeans, tiny v-neck shirt, hair in a ponytail and no makeup. The exactly opposite of how Olivia had ever seen her.

Olivia paused and just looked at Alex – she was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen.

"Oh, it's fine," Olivia finally said, after realizing she hadn't said anything. "I just got here and was just enjoying my cup of coffee."

"Funnily enough, coffee is why I'm late," Alex said. "I spilled some this morning all over me and had to change. Which is why I'm such a mess this morning."

"A mess? You look beautiful," Olivia said, before realizing she said it out loud. She looked down when she saw Alex blush slightly.

"Thank you, but you must be blind," Alex said shyly. "Anyway, are you ready?"

Olivia nodded and followed Alex as they made their way through the farmer's market.

#

An hour or so at the farmer's marking, brunch, and a couple of mimosas each later, Olivia and Alex found themselves laughing as they left the restaurant to head back home for the day. Olivia couldn't remember the last time she had laughed so much and never in a million years would she imagine it was Alex Cabot that could make her stomach hurt from laughing that much.

"I guess I should let you get back to whatever you were going to do today," Alex said. "I appreciate you joining me today though. I swear I work so much sometimes that I forget we're supposed to have human interaction outside of work."

"Well, my day was only going to consist of cleaning and grocery shopping," Olivia said. "And now I have half of my grocery shopping done." She lifted a bag of produce she had picked up at the farmer's market.

"Well, all the same, I had a really good time," Alex said. "I know most cops don't want to spend their off days with their ADA."

"I'm not most cops," Oliva said casually.

"I'm beginning to figure that out," Alex said. "And hopefully, I'm not most ADAs."

"Oh, that you are not," Olivia said. "I mean, I'm not sure I've ever seen an ADA crack a smile before."

The two shared a laugh, the Olivia put her finger up. "Well, besides Abbie."

"Oh, yeah, Abbie is in a class of her own," Alex concurred.

#

Olivia took a short nap when she got home, did some cleaning and headed out to pick up a few more things from the grocery so she'd have some food for the week besides vegetables. When she was carrying the groceries in her phone started ringing. She glanced down at the belt clip, but didn't recognize the number so she let it go to voicemail. If it was important, they would leave a message or call back.

She put groceries away and started thinking about what to have for dinner. She'd sat her phone down on the table by the door and didn't hear it ding with a message. It wasn't for about an hour when the neighbor kid knocked on her door asking her to buy a candy bar for a school fundraiser – which she did – that she remembered she'd had a call.

When she saw she had a message, she put the phone up to her ear to listen.

 _Olivia, it's me, um, Alex. I just wanted to say again I had a good time today, and if it's not too much in one weekend for you, I have tickets to a matinee show tomorrow, if you're interested. You mentioned you liked Shakespeare, and while it's not Shakespeare, it is supposed to be similar in style and genre. Anyway, just give me a call if you want to go. Oh, I'm calling from my home number, but you can call this or my cell phone. Either is fine._

Olivia closed her phone and sat down on the couch. _Did she want to go? Of course. Alex had been surprisingly fun to hang out with. But should she go?_

That question was less clear to her. There was no obvious reason not to go, but Olivia knew – she was starting to develop a crush on her ADA. Obviously, that wasn't ideal for either of them.

Never mind that they were both women, and that Alex was probably not even interested in women; it would be problematic for the nature of their relationship.

It wasn't like Alex was the first crush Olivia had had on a woman – she wasn't. Olivia had even experimented and been out with one particular woman several times in the past. She wasn't opposed to dating a woman, but Olivia also knew dating Alex Cabot was not in her future.

And, Alex was her ADA.

Olivia reasoned though that the more time she spent with Alex outside of work, the more likely she'd be to get over her crush. That was her M.O. anyway – Olivia got bored easily.

And, she really did need a friend and was glad to have another woman around SVU.

She picked up the phone and called Alex back.

"It's Olivia," she said, and paused. "Yeah, I'd love to go."

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	2. Getting Wet

_A/N: Okay, I'll at least get you through a kiss or something. This would be a few months after the last one. The movie mentioned came out in late April 2001. So that will give you a time frame to work with. End of Season 2 (perhaps into late spring/early summer)._

 _Word count: about 2,100; Rating: Give this more PG/PG-13 for some sexual innuendo (like any of you people care...ha!)_

* * *

 **GETTING WET**

"Done already?"

Olivia was sitting at her desk on a Friday afternoon, quickly putting away her files and gathering her things. Elliot had been watching her for a few minutes as she quickly thumbed through the last remaining pages of her DD5s.

"Yep," Olivia said, continuing what she was doing.

"You got big plans or something?" Elliot asked, still carefully watching his partner across their desks.

"Big plans, no. But I am going to see a movie with a friend," Olivia said.

She didn't know why she said friend and not Alex. She knew Elliot was probably aware of their budding friendship over the past few months, but she certainly didn't make a point of telling him every time she and Alex hung out. She didn't want Elliot to ever have a reason to think Alex was playing favorites with them – although, given the sometimes-volatile nature of her and Alex's relationship at work, often going at it when they disagreed, it would be a far stretch for Elliot to suggest favorites anyway.

"Hmm," Elliot said.

"What?" Olivia asked.

"Nothing," he said. "You just seem to have plans with 'a friend' a lot. Seeing someone?"

Olivia shook her head, annoyed. "No. I mean just what I said. I'm seeing a moving with a 'friend.'"

"Ok, fine," he said. "It's not a bad thing, Liv. You seem … happier, lately. That's all. I just wondered if it meant you were getting laid." Elliot chuckled to himself when he said it. Olivia knew he only said it to get under her skin – it did.

"Maybe I am," she said. "You should try it sometime." She got up from her desk and started walking away.

"I have," Elliot yelled across the room. "And I can't afford any more kids."

"Have a good weekend, El," Olivia said before stepping on the elevator to leave and go meet Alex.

#

"Ok, I am certain we were the only people in that theater over age 12 that didn't have a child with them," Olivia said as they walked out of the movie theater with the masses.

"No kidding, but even still, I really liked it," Alex said. "It was romantic."

"Well, I enjoyed Donkey," Olivia said.

"You would!" Alex said, shaking her head and laughing still. "Come on, don't tell me you didn't smile a little when Shrek and Fiona finally kissed."

Olivia smiled. "Ok, maybe a little."

"I knew it," Alex said. "Buried down deep inside Detective Benson is a romantic."

"Let's not go too far now," Olivia said. "I haven't been on a date in so long that I've forgotten what romance was. But yes, I'll admit, I did enjoy their unlikely love story."

"You know, it's still pretty early for a Friday night," Alex said. "Do you want to go back to my place? I have a whole tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream that I really shouldn't eat by myself. I can also grab that Eminem CD for you. I can't believe you haven't heard it yet."

"And I can't believe Alex Cabot listens to Eminem," Olivia said, checking her watch, then her phone to make sure she hadn't missed any calls, though she wasn't on-call for the weekend. "Ok, sure, sounds like a good plan. Let's go to your place."

They two hailed a cab and headed to Alex's apartment. Olivia had been there are few times during the past few months, and vice versa. But mostly they would go places after work or meet up somewhere.

#

Alex scooped out their ice cream and called out from the kitchen to Olivia who was on the couch. "Wine, Liv?"

"Sure, I'll have a glass," Olivia said, then joined Alex in the kitchen to help her carry things.

They turned on a _Golden Girls_ rerun in the background and sat on opposite ends of the couch facing each other, eating ice cream and sipping wine. The episode they were watching saw Dorothy having another failed relationship and Sophie telling her she was going to be alone forever.

"That sounds like my mom," Alex said. "Always asking if I'm seeing anyone and why not."

"My mom was the same way when I did see her," Olivia said. "Now, I just have Elliot to answer to."

"Oh, I'm sure that goes over well," Alex said. "You two have a strange relationship."

"We do," Olivia nodded. "Before I left tonight he asked if I was getting laid."

"What? Why?"

"Apparently, I've been happy lately," Olivia said. "I guess that's new for me."

"Well … are you?" Alex asked, smirking.

"Ha! No," Olivia said. "Though it wouldn't be a bad thing."

"Amen," Alex said. They both went back to sipping their wine, ice cream long gone. Alex reached forward for the wine bottle to pour herself more. "More wine?"

"Oh, no, I probably shouldn't," Olivia said. "It's getting late and I'm already feeling a little buzzed. I don't like taking the train when I've had too much to drink. Though, I suppose I could call a cab."

"Or you could just crash here," Alex said. "You're not on-call or anything this weekend, right?"

"Nope," Olivia said. "Fin and Munch's turn."

"You should stay then," Alex said. "We can go to that brunch place we like in the morning. I'll take the couch and you can have the bed."

"I can't take your bed," Olivia said. "Ok, I'll stay, but I'll sleep on the couch."

"Have it your way," Alex said. She reached down again for the bottle to fill Olivia's glass. Olivia and she reached for the wine glass at the same time, hands grazing and freezing at the contact. Olivia was pretty sure she momentarily stopped breathing.

"Sorry," Olivia muttered and pulled her hand back. Alex looked down awkwardly but finished pouring Olivia's glass.

Another couple of glasses later and they had both forgotten about the awkward moment and were laughing loud enough that Olivia was surprised they hadn't gotten a noise complaint.

"I swear to you, Trevor Langan asked me out like two months ago," Olivia said laughing. "It was right after he represented that guy who raped and beat his wife. I mean, we weren't even off the courthouse steps yet."

"What'd you tell me?" Alex asked, although she was sure of the answer.

"I told him I don't date lawyers," Olivia said.

"Hey! What's wrong with lawyers?" Alex said, faking being offended.

Olivia laughed and shrugged. "Ehhh."

"That's too bad. You have _**no**_ idea what you're missing out on," Alex said. Olivia thought she detected a bit of flirtation in her voice, but she'd also had a lot of wine – and so had Alex – but she decided to play along and flirt back a little.

"Is that right?" she said, raising her eyebrows.

"No idea," Alex said restated again and an awkward silence once again fell on them.

"I, uh, I should probably have some water before bed," Olivia finally said. "It's been a while since I drank this much and I'd hate to have a hangover. Tomorrow is supposed to be beautiful."

Alex didn't response. Olivia looked up and noticed Alex was looking at her, but seemed to be lost in thought.

"Do you want some, too?" Olivia asked.

"Huh? What?" Alex said.

"Water. I said I needed some water before bed," Olivia said.

"Oh, yeah, I should have some," Alex said. Olivia started to get up and Alex put her hand on her knee, pushing her back down. "I'll get it."

Olivia was sure if Alex touched her one more time that night, she would die. Her plan to get over her crush was working – or at least it had been until tonight, so Olivia thought. But now, the only thing Olivia could think about was Alex's soft hands on her and the charge it sent through her body when they did make contact. She definitely needed some water to sober up.

"One tall glass of water coming right up," Alex said. She was carrying two glasses and no sooner were the words out of her mouth than she tripped on the corner of the rug, spilling both glasses and falling straight on Olivia who reached to catch the blonde. Both the couch and Olivia were soaking wet.

"You okay?" Olivia said once the motion had stopped, arms still around Alex.

"Oh my God, Liv," Alex said. "I'm so sorry. You're soaked, and so is your bed now." She didn't make any attempts to move from Olivia's lap just yet.

"Hey, it's okay," Olivia said. "We'll get some towels. At least it's just water. And it's not like I haven't slept all wet before."

As soon as the words came out of her mouth, she realized it sounded slightly dirty and Alex started to giggle.

"Is that right?" Alex said, smirking.

Olivia groaned and Alex got up off Olivia, sitting next to her now.

"I really am sorry, Liv," Alex said. "I've been meaning to replace that rug for a while now. And, I've probably had a bit too much wine, too."

"It's okay, Alex, really," Olivia said. "I haven't melted yet, so I'll be fine."

"At least let me get you some dry clothes," Alex said. She got up and went to the bedroom to pick out something for Olivia to sleep in. When she came back, she handed the clothes, and a towel, to Olivia. "You know, it's going to take a while for this couch to dry out, even with towels. I have a king size bed, you're welcome to share it with me."

Olivia clenched her mouth shut and swallowed discreetly. "It's fine, Alex…"

"Olivia, really, I insist," Alex said. "Look, if you're uncomfortable, at least take the bed and let me sleep on the wet couch."

"No way," Olivia said. "It's your bed. I won't make you give it up."

"Then it's settled, we'll share," Alex said.

#

The following morning, Olivia woke up to the thump of Alex's arm landing across her from rolling over. She had discovered quickly into the night that Alex was a bit of a take-up-the-whole-bed kind of sleeper. She had rolled back and forth from her side to Olivia's side all night, but quick to move back when she'd momentarily wake and discover it.

Olivia lay there as the room slowly brightened, shining on the blonde sleeping next to her who was still the most beautiful women she had ever seen, especially like this. Alex was a beautiful woman in general, and always looked great at work. But it was relaxed Alex – the no-makeup and jeans Alex – that Olivia realized she liked the best. No because of her more casual appearance, although Olivia did appreciate it, but because Alex Cabot outside of the courtroom was a completely different creature. She was a woman who laughed and smiled a lot, listened to Eminem and became teary-eyed during _Shrek_. She was every bit as complicating and challenging as courtroom Alex, but the softer side – even human side – is what Olivia was really attracted to.

When Alex woke up, she realized her arm was across the detective and slowly pulled it back.

"Sorry," she said quietly. "I should have mentioned I a bit of a bed hog."

"It's okay, Alex," Olivia said. "I didn't want to disturb you."

Alex smiled and slowly propped herself up on her side and arm. "What time do you want to go have brunch?"

"You know, I realized, I don't have any clothes besides what I wore yesterday," Olivia said. "I mean, I'm sure it'd be fine to wear again, but the idea doesn't thrill me."

Alex sat up now, finally waking up. "I'm sure I have something you can wear. I mean, if you want."

Olivia nodded and the two of them got up to begin to get ready. Olivia let Alex go first, then she did. When Olivia was done, she went into the dining room where Alex was drinking coffee and reading through the morning paper.

"Hey, that looks like it fits well," Alex said.

"Yeah, although, this Harvard shirt is very clearly yours and not mine," Olivia said.

Alex shrugged. "Oh well, who'll know."

"Well, let's just hope we don't run into anyone we know out," Olivia said. "They'll start talking."

She smirked and Alex and noticed what she was sure was a blush from the blonde. It made Olivia smile thinking that maybe Alex also was having some sort of feelings for her. Of course, everything about it screamed "bad idea" and Olivia knew she should put the brakes on it, but she couldn't even if she tried – and she tried.

No, Alex Cabot had … something … that Olivia could not seem to pull herself away from.

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	3. The Kiss

_A/N: I'm being too good to you this weekend. And I know I have other stories I should be updating, but my mind is here right now. This is around Season 3 and "Wrath," - so a few months from the last chapter. IF I continue this, it'll likely see big jumps in time._

* * *

 **THE KISS**

"You know none of this is your fault, right Liv?"

Olivia was gathering things up at her desk across from Elliot. Captain Cragen had insisted she take time off, again, after the Eric Plummer shooting – and it wasn't optional. Olivia ignored Elliot's comment.

Elliot spoke again, slower this time. "Liv, this—isn't—your—fault."

"Whose fault is it then?" She didn't even look up.

"Eric Plummer," Elliot said. "He did this. He killed those people, not you."

"Well, I cost him his life – twice," Olivia said.

"You weren't the only one involved in him going to jail," Elliot. "He was prosecuted by the DA's office and a jury found him guilty."

"Yeah, well, tell that to all the families of the victims," Olivia said. "If I hadn't pursued him so hard, maybe they would still be alive and Plummer wouldn't have turned into a monster."

"Maybe he was already a monster," Elliot said. "Maybe it just came out of hiding."

Olivia shook her head. "I'm going home. Cap said take a few more days."

"That's probably a good idea," Elliot said. Olivia got up to leave and Elliot called out. "Hey, Liv … take care of yourself this week. Do something, anything, that you enjoy and get your mind off Plummer."

Olivia took a deep breath and nodded in acknowledgement, not necessarily agreement.

#

Olivia was home, music on, and changed into sweats when the expected knock on her door came. She opened it to see Alex standing there, long tan trench coat and hands in her pocket. She gave Olivia a sympathetic smile.

"Come in," Olivia said, moving aside, then shutting and locking the door behind Alex. Alex hung up her jacket and joined Olivia in the living room, who offered her a glass of wine.

"I have to say, I was surprised you called me back today," Alex said. "I was worried you were still angry with me."

Olivia shrugged. "I think we're beyond that at this point, and what good would it do?"

"So, you are or aren't angry with me?" Alex said, probing further.

"I was … but I know you didn't mean it," Olivia said.

"For what it's worth, I did believe you, Liv," Alex said. "I just knew I'd get ripped apart if I tried to get a warrant."

"I know," Olivia said.

"But … I should have tried anyway," Alex said. "I'm sorry."

Olivia just nodded and took a drink of the water she was drinking with her wine. "I ordered dinner for us. It should be here soon."

Alex nodded. Olivia turned on _Golden Girls_ reruns while they waited on dinner. By this point in their friendship, it had mostly just become the soundtrack to their time together when they were each other's apartments.

When dinner came, Alex spent time talking about courthouse gossip, other notable cases in other precincts and about her family's impending visit – anything she could do to keep Olivia's mind off Eric Plummer.

After dinner, Olivia fixed them some mint chocolate chip ice cream – Alex's favorite. She had gotten use to just keeping some of it in her apartment incase Alex was there – or in hopes she could bribe her to extend their time together.

"Olivia, I'm really glad you called tonight," Alex said. "I'd imagine it's not easy for a lot of detectives and ADAs to be such good friends. And I do … consider you … someone close to me." Olivia noted Alex didn't use the word 'friends' to describe them  
specifically.

"What I'm trying to say is, no matter how much we've gone at it in the office, it's nice to know that it doesn't affect us outside of the office. But this week, our fight, I crossed a line – a personal one – and I was worried that …"

"…that I would hold that against you?" Olivia finished.

Alex just nodded solemnly. "I was scared that we'd lose … this."

Olivia shook her head in understanding. "Well, it never crossed my mind that I would hold it against you. I think both of us have showed we're mature enough to keep things professional at work. I mean, yes, there are some days I want to hypothetically  
strangle you."

That made both of them laugh.

"Likewise, detective," Alex said.

"But you are right about some things," Olivia said. "You said you were surprised I called you back, and to be honest, I'm a bit surprised as well. Typically, I like to hide out from the world. But tonight, well, let's just say I'm glad you're here."

With the quiet and emotional conversation they were having, they had moved closer toward each other on the couch so they didn't have to speak up too loudly.

They continued talking into the night. Olivia opening up to Alex about how she was feeling and Alex patiently listening, allowing the rare chance for Olivia to be so vulnerable. At one point, she even reached for Olivia's hand to comfort her. Olivia squeezed  
her hand back and didn't let go. It was so comfortable, peaceful and natural that neither of them even felt awkward about it.

Alex had lost track of time, even fallen asleep on the couch. When she woke up about 1:30 a.m. Olivia was sleeping on her shoulder. Alex decided to let Olivia sleep – she needed it. Alex would certainly be tired at work the next day, but Olivia needed  
her more in that moment.

Alex attempted to go back to sleep, setting an alarm on her phone so she had time to go home, shower and change before work. Before she could go to sleep, however, Olivia woke up.

She was groggy. "I'm sorry. I guess I fell asleep," Olivia said, sitting up.

"It's okay," Alex said. "You needed it. You should go get in bed, though. And I should get home."

Olivia nodded and got up to walk Alex to the door.

"Thank you for everything, Alex," Olivia said. "I needed a friend tonight and I'm glad you were here."

"Liv, I'm always here for you," Alex said. "And thank you for letting me be here for you."

The both nodded in another awkward silence, something that had grown more frequent when they said their goodbyes, including intense staring into eyes and at lips.

Alex spoke again and turned toward the door, "Ok, well, I'll call you tomorrow and check in on –."

Olivia grabbed Alex's arm, stepped toward her and kissed her, no longer able to control what she was feeling toward the blond – surprising Alex and even herself.

She was even more surprised when she felt Alex's tongue enter her mouth, kissing her back, then felt Alex's hands on the back of her head, threading her fingers through her hair.

The kissing only lasted about 7 seconds, but they were both breathless when it ended and suddenly super aware of what had just transpired – for good or for bad.

"I, um …" Olivia wasn't sure what to say. Alex nodded at her, letting her know it was okay, she didn't need to say anything. Alex didn't know what to say either – or how she felt.

"I'll call you tomorrow," Alex said. Olivia nodded and watched as Alex left her apartment – Olivia hoping it wasn't for the last time.

#

Alex went home but she didn't sleep much the rest of the night. By 4:30 a.m. she had given up and got up to make coffee, something she would certainly need for the day ahead of her on next to no sleep.

She tried to focus on a crossword puzzle from the day before, but she couldn't take her mind off Olivia. It wasn't just the kiss, though that was a big part it. Alex had been thinking about Olivia a lot lately. She had fought it off because she knew what  
was feeling was improper, given their relationship, and the fact that – up until a few hours ago – she had no reason to believe Olivia was anything but straight. It's not like she hadn't questioned it. She had seen Olivia check out women before, even  
though (hoped) she was checking her out at times and flirting. But so far, if Olivia was gay, or had ever been with a woman, it had never come up in conversation.

Of course, Alex hadn't exactly disclosed anything of that nature to Olivia either. Alex had never labeled herself as strictly gay; she had dated men, but for the most part, the few short relationships she'd had were with women.

But Alex had been thinking about Olivia for months – even before they became friends. She was intrigued by the detective and when she got to know her better, she was even more taken with Olivia. The Olivia with a wicked sense of humor and a sappy side  
that she rarely let anyone see. The Olivia that could dress up, or dress down, and still look stunning. The Olivia that Alex knew kept mint chocolate chip ice cream in her freezer despite not even liking it that much (Olivia never finished her bowl  
and always opted for something else when options were available).

Alex had reasoned with herself that it was just a crush and it would go away. After all, as long as they were both was in SVU, any kind of relationship would be improper. Even if they disclosed it, it could cause problems with defense attorneys. Sure,  
one of them could leave, but they were nowhere near that point, and SVU needed them both – Alex could recognize that. She was damn good at her job, and Olivia, well, she was one of the best detectives in NYC. Alex couldn't imagine Olivia in any other  
department, but she also couldn't imagine leaving herself.

Alex was confused.

#

"Hey Cabot, you seen Olivia lately?"

Alex had barely stepped into the 1-6 squad room the following afternoon when Munch was asking her about Olivia, who was still on leave.

"What?" Alex said.

"Olivia Benson, SVU Detective?" Munch said, being a smart ass. "You two are tight. I was just wondering how she was."

"We're tight?" Alex said.

"Well, I mean, you're friends right," Munch said. "I'm just wondering if you've talked to her and how she is."

"I haven't," Alex lied. "Why don't you ask Stabler?" She kept walking, heading into Cragen's office to drop off a warrant.

"Ask me what?" Elliot said, hearing his name across the room.

"Man, what crawled up her ass?" Fin muttered.

"I guess the Ice Princess is out in full force today," Munch said. "Hey Stabler, have you talked to Olivia?"

"Not since last night," he said. "But I think she's hanging in there."

Munch nodded and the three men went back to their work. Alex left Cragen's office and gave Munch an icy stare – she had heard his "Ice Princess" comment.

"What'd you do to piss her off?" Elliot asked Munch.

Munch shrugged. "I just asked her about Liv," he said.

#

Olivia opened the door of her apartment – this time for the unexpected knock – and Alex Cabot marched in.

"Hey, Alex, I wasn't expecting you," Olivia said. "Did we have plans? I barely remember this morning."

"Oh, how convenient," Alex said.

"Woah, what? I just asked if we had plans tonight," Olivia said. "What's going on?"

"Come on, Liv," Alex said. "Like you don't know."

"The kiss," Olivia said, realizing what Alex was talking about now. "Listen, I'm sorr-."

"No. You don't get to just kiss me," Alex said. "We're friends. Colleagues. That's it."

"O-K," Olivia said. "Alex, I didn't ask for anything more. And I was going to apologize and say I shouldn't have done that."

"You're right, you shouldn't have," Alex said. "And I shouldn't have either. We can't … we work together, Liv."

"I know," Olivia said. "I understand. We can't … be together. But also, I wasn't asking for that."

"Then what were you doing? What were you thinking?" Alex said.

"Alex, calm down," Olivia said. "It was a kiss and clearly a mistake. I wasn't doing anything. I was tired and let my guard down."

"Oh, you kiss a lot of people when you're tired?" Alex rolled her eyes, pacing around the room.

"No, I mean, my guard was down," Olivia said. "I wasn't thinking. I just … fuck, Alex, I don't know. Sometimes I've wondering about us … about my feelings for you … and about your feelings for me."

Alex took a deep breath, trying to force herself to calm down. She knew she was overreacting over something as small as a kiss. She nodded. "Ok. I … um … I've wondered, too."

Olivia nodded, feeling a little relieved it hadn't all been in her head.

"But Liv, we can't … be more than friends," Alex continued.

"I know that Alex," Olivia said. "In fact, I was going to call you tonight and suggest we talk about this and say the same thing.

"You were?" Alex said, relieved tone.

"Yeah," Olivia said. "Look, Alex, if thing were different …."

"Same," Alex said, knowing what Olivia was going to say. "But we both do important work and it would be selfish of either of us to compromise it, or give it up."

"So, can we still be friends?" Olivia finally asked.

Alex nodded. "I hope so because of all of this, your friendship has meant a lot to me."

"Good, then we'll be friends," Olivia said. "And we'll be more careful with our boundaries."

Alex nodded.

"I have Chinese food coming and ordered way too much," Olivia said. "Stay for dinner?"

Alex nodded and smiled. "Sure, but only if you have mint chocolate chip ice cream for dessert."

"Always."

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	4. Guilt

_A/N: You know this episode. Guilt. One of the best A/O episodes ever. So late Season 3 - five months after last chapter. You're going to like this chapter. I have a clear projectory of where I'm going on this one, at least for a while, so I will likely stick with it until I get there. Did I mention you're really gonna like this chapter?_

 _Word Count: 2,500; Rating: Mature..._

* * *

 **GUILT**

 _Five months later._

"You getting out of here soon, Liv?"

"Uh huh." Olivia barely acknowledged. She was looking for any loophole to get Roy Barnett, a man who had been molesting young boy, Sam Cavanaugh. They planned to send Sam in to talk to Roy in a public place with a wire, but Olivia was nervous about it. Sam wasn't exactly a willing witness in the case. She was hoping there was some other way.

"You've been working a lot more lately," Elliot said. It was a question, just a statement.

"Uh huh," Olivia said again.

"Everything okay?"

Olivia finally stopped what she was doing and looked up at Elliot. "Elliot, everything is fine. Is this 20 questions?"

Elliot smiled. "Just making sure you're okay," he said. "Any dates recently?"

"Are we doing this again?"

"What? It's been a while, right?" Elliot said.

"Actually, I had a date a couple weeks ago," Olivia said.

It was true. She had met a guy at a bar through some mutual friends and he'd asked her out. They went out twice, but, like most people, she just didn't feel that chemistry with him.

"Hmm," Elliot said. "You're not going to give me any details are you?"

"Nope," Olivia said, grinning.

Elliot nodded and both of them went back to their work.

#

Saturday morning, Olivia went for a run then met up with Alex at the farmer's market. They really had remained friends, but had just dialed it back again. No more late nights, sleepovers, or hanging out at each other's apartments until late in the evening with a bottle of wine. For the most part, they would meet someplace else, arriving and leaving separately. The arrangement was working for the most part.

Oh, there were still tense moments between them, especially at work during a heated exchange. Definitely a time or two Olivia fantasized briefly about backing Alex up against the bookshelf in her office or the wall of an interrogation room and kissing her. But those thoughts were less rare and Olivia was good at fighting them off.

"Think Sam is ready for next week?" Olivia asked during the lunch they opted for after leaving the farmer's market. One other thing that had changed in their relationship is they talked more about work and less about their personal lives – at least not in as much detail.

"No, but what choice do we have?" Alex said, picking at her salad. Olivia could tell she had been stressed over this case from the beginning.

Olivia shook her head. "I don't know," she said. "I've been looking for anything that could implicate Barnett without having to put Sam through that."

"You don't think we should do it, do you?" Alex said.

"I think … like you said, we don't have another choice if we want to get him," Olivia said. "And we've done it before. It's just, Sam seems so fragile and torn over it."

"So you don't think we should do it," Alex said.

"I'm just worried about Sam," Olivia said. "But if it was my decision, I'd probably be doing the same thing you are."

"Thanks, Liv," Alex said. "I needed to hear that."

#

The next few days were a blur for everyone. Sam wearing a wire was a disaster and they got nothing useful. Then his emotional state was so wrecked that when he was pushed to continue helping, he tried to take his own life – something Alex felt personally responsible for.

Then there was the shouting match between Elliot and Alex. Olivia just looking on, unsure what to do. She knew how vulnerable Alex was – she shouldn't even be on the case at this point – but Olivia knew if it was her, she'd fight to stay on, too. But she also recognized Alex was out of line and nearly out of control.

But the breaking point for everyone was when Alex implied to Olivia and Elliot she had a warrant to search Sam's apartment so they could find the video tapes needed to convict him – the only evidence that would put him away.

Like good soldiers, Olivia and Elliot covered for Alex and Cragen knew it. He was angry, and so were they – Alex had risked their badges and careers – but again, they understood why. In the end though, they got Barnett and it only cost Alex a 30-day suspension.

#

It was that night, after the trial and Alex's suspension that Olivia broke one of their unspoken rules – she showed up at Alex's apartment.

"Hey," Alex asked. She looked surprised when Olivia showed up. "Come in."

Olivia walked in with a grocery bag and went straight into the kitchen without even telling Alex why she was there.

"You here to give me a lecture about how irresponsible I was?" Alex said.

"No," Olivia said. "I'm here to be your friend." She took out some ice cream and put it in the freezer. Pulled out a bottle of wine, then some take-out Chinese food.

"You're not angry?" Alex said. "I mean, I made sure you and Elliot weren't at risk, but I know it could have been a lot worse for the two of you."

"Alex … I understand," Olivia said. "Yes, it was irresponsible, but the case got under all our skins. I've been there, remember?" Alex knew she was talking about Eric Plummer.

Dinner and dessert came and went and the two fell back into an old, but familiar routine, each curled up on the couch, _Golden Girls_ reruns and a glass of wine. They spend the evening talking. About work. About life. About their childhoods. It was just like old times and they were both content and happy.

Finally, during a quiet moment, Alex asked the question she'd had on her mind for the last 5 months.

"Liv, do you really thing if things were different, if we had different jobs, things between us could ever work out?" she said.

It caught Olivia off guard, but she already knew the answer. "Yeah, I do," she said. "Do you?"

"I like to think so," Alex said.

"But…?" Olivia could tell there was another part of her answer.

"Nothing has changed, has it?" Alex said.

Olivia shook her head. "Other than disclosing, which still may not be enough, one of us would have to leave SVU, and I wouldn't want that – for either of us."

"Me either," Alex said. "And you're right, even if we disclosed, it probably wouldn't mean both of us could stay in SVU."

"I mean, I'm not saying it couldn't be worth it – for the right person I guess," Olivia said. "I just…"

"We don't know if we're the right person for each other yet, huh?" Alex said.

Olivia shook her head no.

"So I guess we have a conundrum," Alex said. "Have you … dated … since?" She asked hesitantly, unsure if she even wanted to know the answer.

"I've been on a few dates," Olivia said. "Nothing serious though. Mostly just for the opportunity to feel normal and feel something else about sex other than what we see every day."

Alex nodded, she understood.

"Have you?" Olivia asked. She also wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer.

"Just one," Alex said. "And it was terrible. She tried to make-out with me in the cab on the way to dinner."

Olivia laughed. "I take it the date ended quickly?"

"Eh, not exactly," Alex said. "I fended her off before dinner, but I did go home with her. I'm not exactly proud of it, but a girl has needs."

Olivia laughed again and agreed, but it also opened a conversation they had never had – whether they were open to dating women.

"I have," Olivia said. "Or well, I should say I did once and I've experimented some. I haven't really done many serious 'relationships.'"

"Me either," Alex said. "A few short ones – all with women – and I've been out with men, but I wouldn't call any of those a relationship."

They avoided talking about it in relation to each other, but it was clear they were both open to it and willing – for the right person.

Eventually Olivia caught Alex dozing off on the couch. "Alex, you should go to bed and get some sleep," she said. She took up and offered a hand to Olivia. "Come on, I'll get you to bed and head home."

Alex reach up and took Olivia's hand. She was tired and had drank some wine. Not enough to be drunk, but her balance was unsteady from how emotionally drained she was. Olivia put her hand around Alex's waist to steady her, gripping tighter as Alex swayed. It was the most and closest contact they'd had since their kiss.

Alex moved her hand up to Olivia's face. "Liv?" Olivia didn't speak, she just stared into Alex's blue eyes, nodding for her to continue.

"Stay with me," Alex said. "I need you tonight."

There was no mistaking what Alex meant. She didn't need company, she needed Olivia – emotionally and physically. She was pleading for Olivia to spend the night with her.

After debating whether Alex was too vulnerable or had too much to drink, Olivia didn't believe she had, but figured she'd check in with her before anything happened. Olivia just nodded and followed Alex to the bedroom.

They both quickly got ready for bed, Olivia slipping on some of Alex's sleep clothes and slipped into bed next to Alex.

One they were in bed, facing each other, Alex brought her hand back to Olivia's face. "Thank you for staying," she said. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you," Olivia admitted.

Alex leaned forward and gently kissed Olivia. When she was done, it was Olivia's turn to talk.

"Alex, are you sure … about this? I mean, am I reading the signals correctly?" Olivia said.

"Olivia, I'm more than sure," Alex said. "And this isn't because I'm tired or have had wine or am emotional. I've thought about this for a long time. So, please, don't doubt how much I want this … how much I want you."

Olivia took a sharp breath at Alex's words. She wanted Alex, too.

"Do you think this is a bad idea?" Olivia asked.

"I don't know … probably, but I don't care, Liv," Alex said. "Look, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but Liv, we get along, we have the same needs – both physically and emotionally. We trust each other. All I know is right now, I need you. I need to feel something – anything – and I need to feel it with someone I trust and care about and that I know cares about me."

Alex had barely finished her speech when Olivia kissed her back, letting Alex know she was onboard for whatever they were about to embark upon. Of the kisses they had shared to this point, this was by far the most passionate and most explosive kiss they had shared – Olivia's tongue probing Alex's mouth, and pushing the blonde on her back.

When Olivia was on top of Alex, she paused, lifting her head and staring intently into Alex's eyes – her own dark eyes asked if Alex was sure. Alex nodded and moved her hand to the back of Olivia's head, pulling her back down into a kiss.

Alex had always admired how toned and tan Olivia was, but in the moment, having Olivia's hands on her body, feeling the strength of her arms, was even better than Alex had imagined – and she had imaged it many times.

Before either of them realized it, all of their clothing had been shed and Olivia's hands had moved to palm Alex's breast, her lips on the blonde's neck and Alex writhing underneath her.

"Liv, I'm ready," Alex breathed. With that, Olivia slid her hand between Alex's legs, slowly caressing her inner thighs and feeling Alex spread her wider for Olivia to enter her. At the moment of entry, both women gasped – Alex because feeling Olivia inside her, finally, sent a wave through her body – Olivia because of how Alex responded to her and how natural and easy everything felt. She could feel Alex's body responding around her fingers and she thrusted – first slowly, then picking up the pace.

Olivia was so turned on by Alex. Her skin had goosebumps. Her moans were soft and so unlike the Alex always in control. The sweat dripped from her and Olivia nuzzled her head into Alex's neck, taking in the smell of Alex in a way she never had before. She was so focused on Alex's pleasure, she hadn't noticed herself building toward climax until Alex dug her nails into her back and it nearly pushed her over just from the touch.

Olivia slowed momentarily, pushing Alex's hair out of her face and taking one of Alex's hand with her free hand. She intertwined their fingers and kissed Alex again on the mouth as she resumed her pace with the hand between Alex's legs. She knew Alex was close and she knew any second –

"Olivia!"

Alex's orgasm lasted long enough for Olivia to push her own core into Alex's thigh and experience her own, both women holding each other tight as they lost control of their bodies before collapsing into each other. They laid in complete silence for at least two minutes just to catch their breath and come out of the fuzzy mental state their orgasm had put them in.

"Everything okay?" Olivia finally asked. She was lying next to Alex now.

"Oh, God, Liv, yes," Alex said. "That was … better than I ever imagined."

Olivia's ears perked up at Alex's words. "You've … imagined this?"

Alex blushed and she nodded. "A few times," she admitted. "You haven't?"

"Oh, I definitely have," Olivia said. "Just not like this or here."

"Interrogation room or my office?" Alex asked, knowingly.

Now it was Olivia's turn to blush. "Um, both?" she admitted. "Actually, do you remember that case a couple months ago and we were arguing in the interrogation room?"

"Martin case," Alex said. "Yes, I remember. It was all I could do not to push you against the wall and kiss you, or taking you right there on the table."

Olivia's eyes grew wide. "Jesus, Alex."

"What? You've never dreamed of fucking me on my desk?" Alex said, smirking.

"I plead the fifth," Olivia said, blushing even more now.

"That's what I thought," Alex said. She noticed Olivia starting to get out of bed. "You're not leaving, right?"

"Not a chance," Olivia said. "I just need some water. I have a feeling I may need to be rehydrated for round number 2."

"Round number 2?" Alex said.

Olivia smirked and raised her eyebrows.

"Oh, you didn't think we were done, did you?"

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	5. Dessert

_A/N: Glad you all are enjoying - the reviews are amazing. I think my other fics are going to be on temp hiatus until I get to a satisfactory point in this one. And yes, of course "friends" was never going to work._

" _Trust": Someone asked about that fic, and I don't want to give away too much because I'm still unsure exactly what I'm going to do ... but I've written THIS fic in such a way that it could be a very early prequel to "Trust." But I haven't decided yet, no promises. I do have some ideas for this though._

 _As for the strap-on: While I'm fine with it, I don't think I've ever written a fic with one (maybe I have, I can't remember), mostly because it's not something I have experience with and well, I'm sure I'd butcher it. So, I think for now, I wouldn't expect to see that coming up. Sorry :/_

 _Word Count: ~1,800 Rating: Mature_

* * *

 **DESSERT**

 _The next day at work (don't worry, there will be flashbacks to the previous night)_

"Liv?"

Olivia didn't hear a word Elliot said to her for the past five minutes or so. All she could think about was the amazing night she spent with Alex and how much she needed sleep.

"Earth to Liv," Elliot said again. Olivia finally blinked herself out of day dreaming and looked across their desks at him.

"What?"

"I asked if you'd heard from Cabot. I heard Donnelly really laid into her yesterday before she suspended her," he said.

"Oh … no," she lied.

"I feel bad she was suspended. I mean, she is lucky it was just that, but what she did put a child molester behind bars. They should be commending her" he said. "Maybe we should call her, let her know there's no hard feelings."

Olivia shook her head. "She knows."

"I thought you hadn't talked to her," Elliot questioned.

"I just meant today," Olivia said. "I called and checked on her last night. She's fine."

 _Very fine._

"Ok, well, I'll leave it to you," he said. "But when you talk to her, make sure she knows."

Olivia nodded. She got up, nodded toward the crib indicating she was going to take a nap.

"You stay up late last night? You've been tired all day," he asked.

"I guess. Time just got away from me," Olivia said.

 _Time. Yes, time spent in bed with Alex Cabot._

When she got to the crib, Olivia took off her blouse, leaving on a T-shirt underneath, laid down and let her mind wander again back to their night and their conversation before Olivia came to work this morning.

#

 _Earlier that morning/night before_

Round 2 had been even better than Round 1, but Round 3 … well, Olivia couldn't wait for that experience again.

"Turn around," Alex said. "I mean, on the bed, flip around."

"What?"

"Here, follow my lead," Alex said.

The blonde got up, glancing into the mirror on the dresser across from the foot of the bed. Olivia was pretty sure she saw her smirk. Alex crawled back onto the bed, her head at the foot and laid on her back.

"Come here," Alex said.

"Come, where?"

"On top of me," Alex said. Olivia did as she said and laid on top of her.

"Ok, now sit on your knees and scoot up," Alex said. She still had a wicked grin on her face.

"Scoot up?"

"Yes … scoot up," Alex said. "On my face."

Olivia's mouth dropped up. She understood now what Alex wanted.

"You want …"

"Yes, Olivia," Alex said. "I want you. And I want you to see how much I enjoy it."

Olivia looked up again, finally noticing the mirror. Now she fully understood. She nodded and did exactly as Alex asked, making sure to steady herself so her weight didn't smother Alex.

Alex's warm tongue on her core caused her the muscles in her legs to clench. So far, she was still looking down, making sure not to put too much weight on Alex. Then Alex moved her hands from Olivia's hips, up to her breasts.

The extra contact, the teasing of her nipples, caused her to tilt her head back and when she opened her eyes, she saw fully the picture Alex wanted her to see. Alex's mouth between her legs, hands on her breast.

"Holy shit," Olivia breathed.

"Told you," Alex muttered before opening her own eyes and tilting her head back to steal a glance of the scene in front of them. Then she returned to her goal of making Olivia see how fucking amazing she looked during orgasm.

The first one they shared was ok, but during Round 2, Alex watched Olivia closely – the most beautiful woman in the world.

"Alex … I'm …"

Alex knew Olivia would need steadying so she moved her hands back down. One on Olivia's hip, one digging into the detective's ass.

"Keep your eyes open," Alex said.

Olivia made an incomprehensible noise that Alex took to mean "ok."

The next minute saw Alex push Olivia from the edge to losing complete control. Alex couldn't get a glance in the mirror, but she had looked up to watch Olivia coming completely undone above her. When Olivia's orgasm finally stopped, she collapsed backwards on the bed, laying opposite of Alex.

"Fuck, Alex," Olivia said. "For first time sex … well, let's just say, you're a lot less uptight than I ever thought."

"This may be out first night together," Alex said. "But, I don't think it's the first time either of have thought about it."

"Please tell me you didn't do that with that woman from the cab," Olivia laughed.

"Hell, no," Alex said. "First time, and only because I trust you completely, Liv."

Alex crawled back up next to Olivia and the two fell asleep against each other. It felt natural and comfortable, almost like they had slept naked together forever, even if they hadn't.

#

"To be clear, we're not dating, we're just … sleeping together?"

It was morning and Olivia and Alex were still in bed after their long night together. Olivia wanted to make sure she understood what Alex was saying. She had half expected Alex to wake up, tell her last night was a mistake and that they couldn't let it happen again. Even if that was the case, Olivia certainly wouldn't complain about the one night they did share.

But that wasn't what Alex said, or wanted.

"I guess you could put it like that," Alex said. "I'd prefer not to label it. I mean, we can't date, right? We both decided that wasn't on the table."

"That's correct," Olivia said.

"So, we either going back to what we were doing, which honestly, was just terrible for me," Alex said. "Or … we keep doing what we did last night, which was most definitely not terrible for me."

Olivia grinned. Their night together had been amazing.

"I mean, nothing about this is ideal, I guess," Alex admitted. "But, I mean, maybe we can re-assess down the road and if something changes or we want to move forward, we can decide then."

"And no one can know," Olivia said.

"No one can know," Alex said. "Not even Elliot."

Olivia laughed. "Especially not Elliot," she said. "What about … dating other people? I mean, not like either of us really date, but if either of us meets someone…?"

"Then you or I can make that decision if it comes up," Alex said. "We're not dating, so I can't expect you'll only be with me. Just … you know, don't sleep with half of Manhattan and use protection."

"Me? You're the one that had the booty call with the woman you knew you couldn't stand," Oliva said, chuckling.

"Fair enough," Alex said. "Same goes for me, but I can tell you, if you keep me as satisfied as you did last night, I probably won't have much need to sleep around.

"Same," Olivia said. "And we probably shouldn't do this all the time, as tempting as it may be."

Alex nodded. "So, we're in agreement?" Alex said.

"Yes," Olivia said. "We're just sleeping together – sometimes. We can date who we want and sleep with who we want as long as we're responsible. No one can get jealous and we won't let this affect our work."

Alex nodded. "And no one can know."

"Especially Elliot," Olivia added.

#

 _Back to work – Liv napping in crib_

"Liv, we need to go serve that warrant," Elliot said, interrupting Olivia's good thoughts.

She stretched out and sat up on the bed, reaching for her blouse she had laid across a chair.

"Harvard?" Elliot said. Olivia cocked her head and gave him a funny look.

He nodded toward her shirt. "Your t-shirt says Harvard. Boyfriend?"

"Yeah, like I'd ever date someone who went to Harvard," she said, continuing to button up her blouse.

"So, then?" he asked

"So, what?" Olivia replied

"Where did the shirt come from?" he said.

"I don't know, El," Olivia said. "I just grabbed it this morning."

"Cabot went to Harvard didn't she," Elliot asked, inquisitively.

"Yeah, I think so," Olivia said. "You know, that's probably it. She spilled something on herself one day when she was over and I put whatever she was wearing in the wash. I'm sure I just forgot to give it back to her."

Elliot nodded. It made sense, he just didn't know why she was being so cagey about it.

"Okay, well, are you ready?" he asked.

"Let's go," Olivia said.

#

When they got back and started getting ready to go home for the day, Olivia noticed she had a voicemail from Alex. The ADA wanted her to stop by after work – if she wanted – and promised dinner and dessert.

Olivia couldn't help but smirk while she was listening, which prompted more questions from Elliot that she successfully avoided before making her way to Alex's apartment. When she knocked, Alex yelled that it was open. Olivia went in and saw Alex in the kitchen, putting out what looked like a small skillet fire.

"Cook much?" Olivia teased.

"Shut up," Alex said, rolling her eyes and shaking her head, but with a smile.

Dinner was ready shortly after that and the two of them ate and talked as if nothing had changed between them. Olivia talked about updates to another case they were working and the ADA temporarily assigned to help SVU while Alex was on suspension.

"Ugh," Alex said. "He's such a douche. Just make sure if he's not doing something he should be you tell Liz."

"I'm sure it'll be fine," Olivia said. "At least the case we have right now is pretty open and shut. After we served the warrant, found the videos, and arrested him, the guy made a full confession on video and in writing after waiving his rights."

"If only they all could be so easy," Alex said.

Olivia nodded. She got up and took their empty plates to the kitchen to wash them off. She figured since Alex cooked dinner, the least she could do was the clean-up.

"Alex, where do you keep your dishwasher tablets? You're full in here," Olivia called out.

When she turned around, Alex was standing behind her and pulled her in for a kiss, pushing Olivia back up against the counter when Olivia began kissing back.

"I thought we weren't allowed to do this all the time?" Olivia said.

"So, we take a day off tomorrow," Alex said as her lips moved down to Olivia's neck. "Besides, I promised you dessert."

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	6. Cracks

_A/N: Cracks starting to form ..._

 _Yes, for those of you that have caught onto the openings, that's by design to start with Stabler being a little nosey while they're working. I know exactly where this is going over the next few chapters ... and then some._

 _Word Count: ~2,400 Rating: PG_

* * *

 **CRACKS**

"Cabot really catch her kitchen on fire last year or was that just rhetoric for court?"

Olivia looked up. They had just finished case where a young woman with down syndrome was raped by her boss and become pregnant. Elliot was staring at her again across their desks.

Olivia laughed. "I don't know, but she nearly did a few months ago," she said. "Or, that's what she said, I wasn't there." Olivia became somewhat aware of revealing too much to Elliot.

"I'm more shocked Cabot cooks," Elliot said.

"She's actually pretty good," Olivia said.

"She cook for you a lot," Elliot said, giving Olivia an amused look.

"No, but, I just mean, I've eaten food she cooked a time or two," Olivia said.

"Well, I'm just glad that case is over and Katie and her mother are at some sort of peace," Elliot said.

"Yep," Olivia got up and gathered her things.

"Going so soon?"

"Someplace else you think I need to be?" Olivia said.

"Nope, just observing that you are eager to get out of here today," Elliot said.

"Figured you'd be happy I actually have plans," Olivia said.

"A date?" Elliot said.

Olivia smiled, and walked away, yelling back. "Wouldn't tell you if it was."

It wasn't a date, but Olivia did have plans with Alex. They had done fairly good about abiding by their rules to keep their personal relationship to "just sleeping together" and nothing more. They also successfully had kept it private and hadn't let it impact their professional relationship.

It had been a couple of weeks since they had been together however. Over the past month and a half since their agreement, they started off spending nearly every night together and decided they needed to dial it back a bit, especially when a case was going on.

It had been just over two weeks, almost three, and now that Katie's case was put to rest, they were both eager to be together. The plan for the night was dinner and a movie at Olivia's.

Olivia hadn't been gone long when her office phone rang. Elliot didn't typically answer her phone, but he also knew she'd been trying to get a hold of a witness all day, so he answered.

"Stabler."

"Oh, um, I was calling for Liv," Alex said on the other line. "Did I call the wrong extension?"

Elliot noted Alex using "Liv." It wasn't like people around the office didn't call her that, but he'd never heard Alex use it.

"No, Olivia just ran out of here," Elliot said. "Can I help with something? Everything ok with Katie's case?"

"Oh, no, it's ok," Alex said. "No, Katie is fine. I wasn't calling about a case."

"Did you try her cell phone?" Elliot said.

"Yeah, and she didn't pick up," Alex said. "It's fine, I'll talk to her later."

"Okay, well, I think she has a date tonight, so you may want to hold off on calling her unless it's important," Elliot said.

Alex chuckled. "Oh yeah? Why do you say that?"

"Just had some goofy smirk on her face," Elliot said. "Hey, by the way, heard you almost caught your kitchen on fire a couple months ago, too."

"Oh my God, I'm going to kill Olivia for telling you that," Alex said. "She laughed her ass off at me rather than helping put it out."

Elliot opened his mouth to say he didn't think Olivia was there, had only been told about it, but before he could speak, he heard Alex's ringtone going off.

"Oh, I have another call coming in," Alex said. "Have a good weekend, Stabler."

Elliot hung up the phone, confused by the conversation, but decided to let it go.

#

Olivia got home from picking up dinner and checked the voicemail on her phone from Alex. She was going to be running late.

She changed clothes, something nice, but also comfortable. It wasn't a date, she reminded herself, but she also didn't want Alex to feel used or like a sex object. They had done well to maintain a good friendship to go along with their "benefits."

When Alex arrived, Olivia could tell she was tired.

"What a long day," Alex said. "I'm sorry I'm late. I got called into a meeting with the DA this afternoon and it kept me longer than I intended."

"You've been pretty stressed over the case with Katie," Olivia said, offering the blonde a glass of wine. "I'm glad it's all over."

"Me too," Alex said. She went to the living room and plopped on the couch while Olivia brought their favorite takeout. "You look nice."

Olivia shrugged.

"My favorite wine. My favorite dinner. Looking like … that. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to woo me," Alex said. "And that … would be against the rules."

Olivia shook her head. "I'm just trying to be a good friend," she said. "You've had a hard couple of weeks."

"Thank you." Alex took a bite of food, then a drink of wine, letting out a sigh. "Oh, by the way, your partner thinks you have a date tonight." She smirked at Olivia.

"I know," Olivia said. "For someone as closed off as he is sometimes, he's so nosy. Always asking about my plans."

"And you told him I set my skillet on fire a couple months ago?!"

Olivia laughed. "Sorry, he asked."

"Well, I told him how you didn't even bother to help put it out," Alex said.

"Oh, I didn't tell him I saw it, just that you told me," Olivia said.

"Oh," Alex said. "Oh well. I'm sure he won't think much of it."

Olivia nodded and went back to her dinner.

"No wine for you tonight," Alex said.

Olivia shook her head. "I'm on call this weekend, so want to keep clear headed. And you always seem to encourage me to drink more than I normally would."

"Maybe that's just because I want you nice and relaxed," Alex said, eyebrows raising suggestively.

#

It didn't take long after dinner was done for Olivia and Alex to find their way to the bedroom, Alex looking her shirt on the way. Olivia had to admit, when they were together, they were almost couple-like. Her feelings toward Alex were most definitely deepening, but she also knew it was still early on in their arrangement – they needed to keep thing causal as long as they could.

No sooner had they got into bed, than Olivia's phone started ringing.

"Ignore it, Liv," Alex said. "It's been almost three weeks."

Olivia looked over to see who it was. "It's Elliot." They both sighed, knowing Olivia had to take it.

"Benson."

"Sorry to bother you, but we have a vic," Elliot said. "You still on your date."

"It's not a date," Olivia said, glancing over to Alex who was annoyed by the call, too.

"So, it took you that long to answer a call when you're all alone?" Elliot said.

"El, can it," Olivia said. "Yes, I'm alone. Just tell me what I need to know."

"7-year-old girl dead," he said. "They think she was sexually abused."

"Dad?" Alex could hear what Elliot was saying through the phone, shaking her head at what she was hearing.

"Actually, no Dad in picture," Elliot said. "Patrol said mom was acting cagey … suspects she is involved, but no way to know until we can get there and talk to her."

"Jesus," Olivia said. "Okay, where am I meeting you." She started getting out of bed, mouthing to Alex to just stay there.

"Actually, I'm outside your door," Elliot said. "Let me in and I'll make us some coffee while you're getting ready."

Olivia's eyes got wide, then she motioned to Alex to be quiet and that Elliot was outside. She grabbed her robe and went out to let Elliot in. He made his way to the kitchen while she returned to the bedroom to change.

"Where's this at, Liv?" Alex whispered.

"I don't know," Olivia whispered. "All I know is what I assume you heard. But you should just stay here. I'll call later and let you know later."

"You sure?" Alex said.

Olivia nodded, and then kissed Alex before heading back into the bathroom.

Out in the living room, Elliot swore he heard whispering, but shook it off. Olivia told him she didn't have a date. Then he saw a pink button up shirt on the end table next to the couch. Before he could examine it, Olivia came out, ready to go.

"I'm ready," she said, reaching for her mug of coffee from Elliot.

"You sure you weren't on a date?" Elliot asked.

"Yes," Olivia said. "As you can see, we're alone."

He motioned down toward the pink shirt, wondering why he'd never seen Olivia in pink. Olivia's eyes went wide again and she quickly scooped it up.

"Dropped laundry," she said, taking it back to the bedroom and tossing it in the door, which she only cracked open.

"Ok," Elliot said, not sure he believed her, especially since there were two glasses on the coffee table, a wine glass – which he knew wasn't Liv's; she never drank when she was on-call, not since Eric Plummer. "Let's go."

#

Several hours later, Olivia arrived home – Alex still sleeping in her bed. The detective was exhausted. Elliot insisted she go home and get some shuteye. He said he'd go to the crib and sleep for a few hours to save a drive back home to Queens. Normally, she'd have invited him to at least sleep on her couch, but she wasn't sure if Alex would still be there or not. Olivia opted to lay down on the couch, so as to not disturb Alex.

When Alex woke up, she found the sleeping detective on the couch. Olivia had left her note, telling her note telling her she'd picked up bagels for breakfast. Alex smiled – her feelings for Olivia were growing stronger by the day. She loved how thoughtful and caring Olivia was even if they were just "sleeping together."

#

After Alex arrived at work, after going home for a change of clothes and shower, she decided to head over to SVU and find out what they had on the case. She'd had an email from Cragen waiting on her that morning just saying there had been a rape/murder of a child, which, of course, she already knew.

Her heels clicking down the hall, Elliot got up and grabbed some coffee, knowing he'd have to fill the ADA in on their new case and wake up.

"I suppose you heard the news," Elliot said, handing a cup of coffee to Alex and leaning back around the counter.

"Yeah, I got an email from the Captain," Alex said. "7-year-old girl. That's heartbreaking."

"Actually, she was 5-years-old," Elliot said. When they arrived at the crime scene, they learned the patrolman had gotten the girl's age wrong, confused it with her older sister.

"Oh, I must have read Cragen's email wrong," Alex said. The truth was, she had only glanced at Cragen's email since it was short and she assumed she already knew all the information.

"Funny you should say that though," Elliot said. "We originally thought she was 7. Maybe Cragen got it wrong." He knew Cragen hadn't gotten it wrong. He was copied on the email to Alex.

Alex shrugged. "Maybe," she said. "Anything new?" She was being careful now not to accidentally reveal anything she knew about the case.

"Mom is a good suspect," Elliot said. "She at least knows something."

"Ok, well, you and Benson keep me posted," Alex said. "And get some sleep. You all probably need it."

Alex left and Elliot went back to his desk. In the distance, he heard Olivia's voice coming in.

"Benson."

"Cabot."

 _That's a strange interaction_ , he thought. _So formal._

Olivia nodded to Elliot before taking her seat across from him. "Morning," she mumbled.

"You sleep?" he asked.

"A little," she said. "You?"

"Same," he said. "Briefed Cabot."

Olivia nodded.

"She seemed to think the vic was 7, did you say something to her?" he asked.

"Um … maybe," Olivia said, trying to avoid the conversation. She went to a file on her desk and Elliot watched for a minute before he said anything.

"When did you talk to her?" Elliot said.

"What? Who?"

"Cabot," he said. "You said you may have told her the victim was 7. I'm just wondering when you talked to her."

"I don't know, Elliot," she said. "I may have called her on my way home this morning."

"Uh huh," he said. "Okay." Of course, Elliot knew Olivia would have known by that time how old the child was, and why wouldn't Alex have just told him that. He knew something weird was going on with Olivia and Alex, but he couldn't figure what it could be. Sure, there was a spark between them, but neither of them would jeopardize their career by keeping a secret, and Olivia would certainly tell him – wouldn't she?

Once again, he chalked it up to being paranoid. _Been hanging out with Munch too long_ , he thought. Maybe Olivia just confused the age when she called Alex. It was pretty early in the morning and she'd gotten no sleep.

#

"You have to be more careful with Elliot," Olivia said, visiting Alex in her office later that afternoon, not even giving her a greeting.

"Good afternoon to you, too," Alex said, sitting at her desk.

"Sorry," Olivia said. "But, I'm serious. He's asking a lot of questions and after this morning, with the age …"

"I'm sorry, Liv," Alex said. "I'll be more careful. Do you want to reschedule last night for tonight? I'll cook."

"I think I'd rather just sleep," Olivia said. It was true, but she was also starting to question their arrangement, and specifically how long they could keep it up without anyone knowing.

"Oh, of course," Alex said, trying not to show she was a little hurt. After all, there were no expectations between them. "Yeah, you had a late night. We'll just make a plan some other time."

Olivia nodded and left Alex, who sat wondering if their arrangement was going to last after all. She surprised herself by caring that Olivia wanted to sleep instead of being with her. In fact, she surprised herself by how attached she had become to Olivia – not just as a friend, but as a lover.

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	7. Busted

_A/N: ... it's going down and you'll probably be upset with someone when this chapter is over (though, hopefully not me). But before that, you'll get some humor and some "mature" scenes._

 _Timeline: few months after last chapter, so like summer-ish between S3 & S4._

 _Word Count: ~4,050 Rating: Mature_

* * *

 **BUSTED**

"You going to Murphy's retirement party tonight?"

Usually it was Elliot asking questions at the end of their day, but today it was Olivia. Murphy was an investigator in the DA's office. As a former NYPD officer, everyone knew him as he'd been around for what seemed like forever. Olivia couldn't make up her mind about whether to go or not.

"That depends on whether Kathy's sister is still coming to visit," Elliot said. He didn't need to explain what he meant – if she was coming, Elliot was definitely going to the party. If not, he may opt for family time. "Why?"

"Just trying to figure out if I'll know anyone there," she said, knowing Munch, Cragen and Fin all had other plans.

"Cabot will probably be there, won't she?"

 _Yeah, and that's part of the problem_ , Olivia thought. To be clear, Alex wasn't a bad thing, quite the opposite for Olivia – but therein lied the actual problem. Olivia was drawn to the ADA and she couldn't do anything about it.

Oh, she had tried. She tried to limit their encounters, compartmentalize. Heck, she'd even been on a couple of dates. None of it was working. She couldn't get Alex out of her head. A night at a pub, everyone drinking, and Alex, could only lead to one of two things: her and Alex would end up in one of their beds (likely) or they wouldn't and Olivia would find herself thinking about the blonde all night (a given anyway).

It wasn't that Olivia didn't enjoy her time with Alex, she did; she was also sure Alex enjoyed spending time with her. But, just like before, nothing had changed. Neither of them were willing to give up their career in SVU to pursue the relationship – or maybe they were just too afraid it could actually work out. So, in the meantime, both of them tried to balance their feelings with their need to be with the other.

"Yeah, I suppose so," Olivia said, finally answering Elliot.

"Regardless of whether I go, you should go," Elliot said. "Who knows, maybe you'll meet someone."

"A cop?" Olivia said. Elliot knew dating cops wasn't at the top of Olivia's list, although when she did date, it was usually another cop.

"Or a lawyer," Elliot said. "There will be lawyers there."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "I don't date lawyers."

#

Elliot ended up going to the retirement party after all. This was the informal party – the one where the cops and the lawyers all mostly avoided each other at the pub while they got drunk in honor of good ol' Murphy.

"Get you a beer?" Elliot offered. Fin and Munch were on call for the weekend, so Olivia nodded. While he was gone, another man walked up behind Olivia.

"Olivia Benson."

She turned around to see one of her old friends from police academy who was a defense attorney now. Turns out, being a cop wasn't for him, but being a lawyer was working out nicely.

"Jackson!" Olivia said before giving him a hug. Elliot had come back with their beers and waited for introduction.

"Elliot, this is Erik Jackson, a buddy from academy that crossed over to be a defense attorney," Olivia said. "And this is my partner, Elliot Stabler."

"Pleasure to meet you," Erik said as he and Elliot shook hands.

"Well, join us if you want," Elliot said. The three of them sat at the small table. "So you two know each other from academy?"

Olivia and Erik both nodded. "Yeah, we were study buddies, and probably the only person I counted a friend back then."

Erik laughed. "Well, we were a little more than friends," Erik teased. "Elliot, I tried forever to get her to go out with me. Then toward the very end of academy she finally agreed."

"Is that so?" Elliot said, glancing over to his partner while she smiled and shook her head.

"I got, what? Two, maybe three dates out of it?" Erik asked.

"Two, unless you're counting that night at the laundromat," Olivia said.

"Oh, I definitely count that as one of my best nights ever," Erik said, then laughed when Olivia blushed.

"Laundromat, huh? Perhaps I should leave you two alone to do some laundry," Elliot joked. "Also, I thought you didn't date lawyers."

"He wasn't a lawyer back then," Olivia replied.

"I'm just teasing her," Erik said. "I mean, it was a good night, but things worked out like they should." He lifted up his hand and showed them his wedding band. "I actually have a great family, beautiful wife, two kids."

Of course, Olivia knew all of that. She's met his wife after they'd started dating and even went to their wedding. She hadn't kept in touch with Erik in recent years, but she was definitely someone she had a found experience of – even if they hadn't worked out.

She wondered if she'd ever be able to look back on Alex with that thought. She hoped so.

#

Across the room, Alex Cabot was trying her best to keep her mind off Olivia. Much like Olivia, she had also been struggling with her feelings – wanting more, but knowing a future was unlikely at this stage. She, too, wasn't willing to give up her career at SVU to explore the relationship, even if she thought about it. SVU was going to look great for her one day when she inevitably ran for the DA seat. As for Olivia, if it was meant to be, it would, Alex decided.

Of course, none of that meant she wasn't watching Olivia closely while she was talking to the man she vaguely recognized as a defense attorney – a good one, too. They seemed very friendly and when Alex had gone to order a beer, she swore she hear something about some night in a laundromat and it being one of the best nights of his life.

Alex took a deep breath in, reminding herself she and Olivia were not dating, were free to date other people, and that she wasn't allowed to get jealous. After all, Alex had been on a couple dates herself in the past few months. Mostly just to get her mind off of Olivia and not become so addicted to the detective. Sure, they were still sleeping together on occasion, but she could tell Olivia was also trying to distance herself. _She's probably bored with me_ , Alex figured. Their arrangement had to end at some point.

"Penny for your thoughts, Cabot?" Alex looked up and saw Abbie Carmichael.

"Abbie, I'm surprised to see you," Alex said. "This is quite a trip from D.C."

"Well, Murphy was quite an investigator," Abbie said. "One of the best I've had. So, when this came up, I decided I should make an effort, and just spend the weekend and catch up with people."

"Good plan," Alex said. She scooted over so Abbie could grab a seat next to her. The other people Alex had been talking to went somewhere and hadn't returned for a while – not that Alex had noticed.

"So, whatcha staring at over there?" Abbie said.

"What?"

"When I walked up, you were intently staring that way," Abbie said. "What has your attention?"

"Nothing," Alex said. "I was just letting my mind wander."

"Bullshit," Abbie said. "That wasn't a glazed over, lost-in-thought look. You were watching someone and based on the direction, I'd reckon it's that table there." She pointed to the table Olivia, Elliot, and Erik were sitting at.

Alex just shook her head and took a drink of her beer.

"Now, Stabler is married with like 100 kids, everyone knows that," Abbie said. "I don't know that other guy there, the one fawning over Olivia, but I do know you. And I know you appreciate qualities that are a bit more feminine than he has … so if I was a gambling woman, and let's face it, I from Texas, so I am, I'd say you are watching Olivia Benson."

Alex's eyes started to grow wide until she realized it, closed them and shook her head.

"No?" Abbie said. "Why not? She's a beautiful woman. I mean, I didn't work with her long, but I'd imagine, given the chance, I'd be in love with her."

"I am not in love with Olivia Benson," Alex protested.

"Didn't say you were, just that I would be," Abbie said. "But that's an awful defensive answer there, Cabot."

"Did you come here all the way from D.C. just harass me, Abbie?" Alex said, smiling.

"Not just you," Abbie said. "Come on, let's go talk to Olivia."

"What? No," Alex said.

"Cabot, you're sitting here all alone," Abbie said. "Those are your detectives. If you don't come with me, I'm going to assume you are actually in love with her … or Elliot."

Alex scoffed. "Fine." She got up and followed Abbie over to Olivia and Elliot's table. When they made it over, Erik was just standing up to leave.

"I have to get out of here," Erik said. "But, Liv, it's really good to see you again. Call me this weekend and I'll give you the address to stop by." He kissed her on the cheek, gave her a hug and took off.

Alex was steaming internally. From what she could tell, they'd just made plans for a date. Alex may not be dating Olivia, but she certainly wasn't going to lose her to another attorney – a defense attorney at that.

"Who was that?" Abbie said when Erik was gone. No pleasantries needed.

"Good to see you, too Abbie," Elliot said. "And that was apparently Olivia's long lost love."

"Shut up," Olivia said.

"Oh really?" Abbie said. "Do tell?"

Olivia shook her head and then Elliot spoke up again. "Just ask her about the laundromat."

"You know what, I'm going to the restroom and to get another beer," Olivia said, giving Alex a small glance that Abbie noticed. She certainly did not want to talk about Erik in front of Alex. She got up to leave.

"I'll go with you," Alex said. "I could use a refill myself."

When they were gone Abbie and Stabler got caught for a minute before she decided to ask about Olivia and Alex.

"So, this guy – is he really Olivia's long lost love?" Abbie said.

"Nah. I mean, I guess they dated when they were in academy together, but she's never mentioned him before. He's married now, seems happy," Elliot said.

"Hm," Abbie said. "How's uh, Cabot working out for you all at SVU?"

"She's great," Elliot said. "Stubborn as I'll get out, but she's good at what she does."

"Well, you're pretty stubborn, too. I imagine you go rounds with her," Abbie said.

"Sometimes, but oddly enough, it's usually Olivia," he said. "I swear those two women can get under each other's skin faster than my daughters do and they bicker more than me and Kathy."

"They fight recently?" Abbie said.

"I don't think so," Elliot said. "Why do you ask?"

"When I got here, Alex was staring at Olivia, pretty intently," Abbie said. "Wondered if she was mad."

"Hm," Elliot said. "Who knows with those two." Elliot knew Abbie well enough to know she was getting at something else, but he wasn't about to acknowledge it. Sure, he had his suspicious about Olivia and Alex from time to time, but it had cooled down lately. Besides, there's no way his partner would be sleeping with their ADA and not tell him – at least he didn't think so. Still, the thought lingered in his mind.

#

Alex followed Olivia to the restroom. They didn't speak until they were both washing their hands – all alone in there.

"So, are you seeing that guy?" Alex asked, trying to be as casual as possible.

"Erik? Um, no," Olivia said.

"It would be okay, you know," Alex said. "I mean, you sounded pretty friendly." Alex couldn't help herself that time, just a bit of snark came out.

"Oh, my God," Olivia said, turning toward Alex now. "You're jealous." A grin grew on her face.

"Am not," Alex said, voice pitch raising as she got defensive.

"Alex Cabot is jealous," Olivia said. "A clear violation of our rules."

"I'll have you know, I am not jealous," Alex said. "But if I was, it would be well-deserved. You've barely had any time for me lately – even as a friend. And then tonight, you're all talking about getting it on with some guy in a laundromat."

As soon as Alex finished, maybe even before she was done, Olivia put her hand around the back of Alex's head and kissed her, guiding Alex up against the bathroom counter.

"Lock the door," Alex mumbled, propping herself up on the counter. There were only two stalls in the bathroom, so it wouldn't be suspicious when two people came out, even if the door was locked. Olivia did as she was told, made her way over to Alex and began kissing her again.

They both knew they had to be quick. Alex slid her hand under Olivia's shirt, while the detective began to unbutton Alex's pink shirt, knowing the blonde would have a front-clasp bra. Within a few seconds, Alex's bare breast were staring at her, nipples already hard. Olivia took one in her mouth as Alex leaned back against the mirror and wrapped her legs around Olivia's waist. Olivia used her hands to unbutton Alex's pants while Alex steadied herself on the counter. Alex was trying not to make any noises as Olivia's tongue flicked over her nipples, and then again as her hand slid into Alex's panties, not wasting any time on entering the blonde, who was already wet.

"Fuck, Olivia…" Alex said.

"Shhh," Olivia said. "This place is packed with our colleagues."

Alex bit her lip as Olivia moved her mouth up to her neck and quickly began to stimulate Alex's clit – they both knew they needed to hurry and finish what they hadn't planned to start. Alex pulled Olivia closer as her orgasm began to rip through her body, sure to keep any sounds muffled. When she was done, she collapsed into Olivia, who held her until she could stand on her own, and helped her off the counter.

"I'm going to owe you big time tonight," Alex said. "I mean, if you want."

"Oh, I very much want," Olivia said.

They recomposed themselves, straightening out their clothes and washed their hands again. Both of them were flushed, but they could always blame that on the alcohol. They unlocked the door and exited the restroom, thankful no one was outside waiting to get in.

#

"Took you long enough," Elliot said when they returned.

"Had to go to the restroom, too," Olivia said, her and Alex taking a seat at the table. Abbie was gone.

"Thought you were getting beers?" Elliot asked.

"Line was too long," Olivia said. "Where's Abbie?"

"Oh, someone more interesting than me got her attention," Elliot said. "You ok, Liv? You look flushed."

"Yeah, I'm fine," Olivia said. "Probaby just had too much to drink." She glanced toward Alex and gave her an ever so small grin. Elliot noticed and watched as Alex returned it.

Then he saw it – the pink button up shirt Alex was wearing. The same pink button up shirt he had seen strewn across Olivia's end table. He clenched his teeth together and tried to compose what he was going to say to his partner.

"I think I'm going to get out of here," Alex said before Elliot could say anything. "It's been a long week.'

"I think I will, too," Olivia said. "Share a cab?"

"You two don't live in the same direction from here?" Elliot said, getting angrier by the second. Angry at himself for blowing off all the sign he had seen and angry at Olivia for not telling him – trusting him.

"Oh, I guess you're right," Olivia said. "Either way, I'll walk you out."

"Want me to go with you?" Elliot offered.

"No, it's okay," Olivia said. "You have a free night away from home. You should stay, enjoy yourself."

Elliot nodded. He knew he was being blown off, and now, he knew exactly why.

#

Alex and Olivia managed to keep their hands off each other on the cab ride to Olivia's apartment; they certainly didn't want the cab driver who'd probably go back and pick up more of their colleagues that night to tell them about the two women making out in the back seat.

As soon as they made the walk up to Olivia's floor, those rules went out the door, however.

"Alex, if you keep kissing me, I'll never get the door unlocked," Olivia said, Alex's hands wrapped around her, lips on her neck.

"So, we'll just give your neighbors a free show," Alex teased, right as Olivia finally managed to push the door open, pulling the blonde in with her and shoving her back against the front door, closing it.

"You are in so much trouble," Olivia said. She kissed Alex again, fingers running through her hair, using her tongue to probe Alex's mouth.

"Me," Alex breathed. "You're the one that fucked me on the sink of a public restroom. Something I still owe you for." She slipped hands to the front of Olivia's pants, quickly unhooking her belt buckle and pulling it off. She unbuttoned them and pushed them down as Olivia kicked her shoes off. Then Alex spun them around so Olivia's back was to the door.

"Fuck, Alex," Olivia said as her ADA dropped to her knees and began to pleasure the brunette. She gripped Alex's head, mostly just to steady herself as her knees and legs grew week. Then finally – she came; hard and fast, throwing her head back against the door to a thud.

"Ow."

"Did I hurt you?" Alex smirked as Olivia helped her up.

"Oh, you have no idea," Olivia said, laughing.

Olivia went to the kitchen to retrieve water for them, then joined Alex on the couch, curling up with her back to Alex, sitting between her legs. The blonde wrapped her arms around the detective.

"Do you ever wonder …" Alex paused, unsure how to say what she wanted to say, and if she should.

"Wonder what, Al?" Olivia asked. However, before Alex could reply, there was a knock on the door.

"Expecting someone? Perhaps your laundromat man?" Alex grinned as Olivia shook her head.

"Not expecting anyone," Olivia said. She got up and looked through the peephole. Seeing who it was, she whispered to Alex. "It's Elliot."

Alex looked at Olivia for guidance. _Should she hide?_ Olivia shook her head, then cracked open the door.

"El, what's wrong?" Olivia said.

"You know, I was just feeling like I had a bit too much to drink and was hoping I could crash here," he said. "You gonna let me in?"

Olivia paused and glanced back at Alex who shrugged. "Sure," she said, opening the door farther so he could come in.

"Cabot, I thought you were going home?" Elliot said when he saw Alex, no surprise in his tone.

"I was, but, like you, I was feeling a little woozy, too," Alex said, smiling. "I guess Olivia gets to host all the drunks tonight." Elliot just stared at her, and nodded.

"Water?" Olivia asked Elliot, hoping to change the subject. He nodded and took a seat next to Alex on the couch, ensuring Olivia would have to sit on the other side of him.

"What were you all doing before I got here?" Elliot said. He had noticed Olivia's belt and shoes out in the middle of the floor, but didn't say anything … yet.

"Just, you know, girl talk," Olivia said. Elliot nodded, then turned to Alex.

"Nice pink shirt," he said. "Liv, don't you have one that like?"

"Um, I don't think so, El," Olivia said. "I don't wear a lot of pink."

"No, I think you do," he said. "Remember when I picked you put that night when the young girl was killed. It was laying right here on the end table. Heck, I was pretty sure you had some guy in your bed that night the way it was strewn around."

"I don't know," Olivia said. "Like I said, it was just laundry. Maybe Alex left it here."

"Like the Harvard shirt?" Elliot said. Alex's head snapped toward Olivia, eyes wide.

"You know, girls," Olivia said.

"Uh huh," he said. "Or … maybe there is something else to it."

Both women sat quietly as he got up and started walking around the living room, almost like he was interrogating them.

"What do you mean?" Olivia said, knowing they were likely busted, but not giving in.

"I mean, I'm not the smartest man, especially when it comes to women, but I like to think I'm a pretty good cop and detective," he started. "So, let me tell you what I think is going on."

Again, silence from Alex and Olivia.

"I think the two of you are together," he said. "I mean, at first, I noticed small things, easily explainable. Because, after all, my partner wouldn't keep something like sleeping with the ADA from me.

"But then, there were more things. Things Alex would know that we hadn't told her yet. Confusing the age of the girl was a big one. Then I started testing thing. I'd go ask for a warrant and Alex would tell me know. A few days later, I'd send Olivia, same evidence, and she'd somehow get a yes."

The ladies again exchanged glances. Apparently they hadn't been as careful as they thought.

"The lingering looks between the two of you. The increasing intensity of the fight. Oh my god, those fights. I can't tell if you want to hit each other or well … do other things. You're like a married couple. Then there was the different stories when it came to the two of you. Alex would tell me one thing, and Olivia would act like she had no idea what I was talking about, or vice versa.

"And the moods that seemed to coincide. When Olivia was in a good mood and looking like she just got laid, you, Alex also seemed to have the same demeanor … never mind the few hickeys and marks I've noticed on both of you, usually around the same time."

By this point, both Olivia and Alex put their heads down.

"Should I go on? Or are you just going to be honest with me for once?" he said.

They looked at each other. Alex gave a defeated shrug and Olivia knew it meant to fess up if she wanted.

"El … I don't know what to say," Olivia said.

"You don't know what to say?" Elliot said, his anger finally to the boiling point. "Maybe the time to say something is before the two of you started fucking."

"Hey!" Alex said. "Why is it any of your business who Olivia sleeps with, or me for that matter?"

"Oh, it's not my business. Olivia can sleep with the entire state of New York and it wouldn't be my business … unless it happens to be our ADA!" he said. "Do you two have any idea how bad this could be in the wrong hands?"

Silence.

"Of course, you do, that's why you didn't tell anyone," Elliot said. "Could you not have disclosed? I mean, that would give some protection to our cases."

"Elliot, we just weren't sure yet if we were ready for that," Olivia said. "We're still not."

"Then why didn't you at least tell me. Why didn't you trust me?" he said. "I'm your partner. I'm the one person who could actually protect you both from this."

"Elliot, please, we needed to figure things out on our own," Alex said.

"Cabot, I'm not talking to you," he said. "I don't care about you or what you do. This is between me and my partner."

"Don't talk to her like that," Olivia said. "Elliot, you are being unreasonable. I can't be expected to tell you everything."

"Well, this … this one thing, you should have told me."

With that, he turned around and left, leaving Olivia and Alex there to figure out where they went from here.

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	8. Try

_A/N: Loving your all reviews, thanks! I'm going to try and keep you entertained with this._

 _Picks up a few days later ... where do the ladies go from here? (I'm also going to give you a warning now ... I'm going to stick canon in terms of upcoming storylines, so you'll see "disappearing acts," "angels" and yes, eventually, "loss" - but I can also tell you - have faith)._

 _Timeline: few days after last chapter, so still summer-ish between S3 & S4._

 _Word Count: ~1,100 Rating: PG_

* * *

 **TRY**

"El?"

Elliot was reading a report from a patrol officer. He heard Olivia say his name, but he also recognized the tone and he just wasn't ready to make-up just yet. He continued reading.

"So, we're never going to talk about this or what?" she asked.

Elliot took a breath and looked up. "So, talk."

"Here?" she said, looking around. Fin and Munch were still there and a handful of other people wandering through.

"Look, Liv, you are a big girl, can make your own decisions," he said, lowering his voice. "I've said my peace and I'd rather just move on from it."

Olivia was annoyed he wasn't talking to her. Of course, if she'd opened up to him, perhaps they wouldn't be here. Work was fine; they had no problem focusing on their cases. What they were doing right now – not talking about the elephant in the room – was what they did.

"Ok, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry," Olivia said. "Will we be ok?"

Elliot gave her a half smile. "Yeah, we'll be ok, but I just need some time."

Olivia nodded and the two of them went back to their work, not speaking to each other for the rest of the afternoon except for work topics.

#

"So, he's just ignoring you?" Alex asked. They decided to go out to dinner and hadn't really made any decisions of their own, but they knew they needed to stick together, at least to support each other, until things blew over with Elliot. Alex could tell Olivia was hurt by him.

Olivia shrugged. "Aside from work – yeah," she said. "I mean, this afternoon he just told me he needed time."

"Yeah, he wouldn't even look at me today when came to the squad room," Alex said. She was more irritated by Elliot's response than Olivia.

"Just give him some time," Olivia said. "He'll come around."

"You're far more forgiving than I would be," Alex said. "I mean, where does he get off –"

"Alex, let me handle this," Olivia said. "I know Elliot. It's how he handles things – by not talking about them."

"Sounds like someone else I know," Alex said. It was a casual comment, not meant to be accusatory.

Olivia shrugged, only mildly annoyed by the shot at her. "Well, I guess it's what makes us good partners," she said. "We just need to give him some time."

"So … what about us?" Alex finally got brave enough to ask.

"Ah, well … I …" Olivia was at a loss for words. She had hoped Alex wouldn't bring it up … not yet. A few days ago, she knew what she wanted. But after everything with Elliot, and having him point out what a risk it was, she was uncertain again.

"It's fine, Liv," Alex said. "I don't want you to feel pressured. I just thought I'd ask. It seemed like … I don't know."

"What about you?"

"What?" Alex replied.

"What do you think about us?" Olivia said.

"I … honestly don't know either," Alex said. "I thought I did. Liv, I was certain I wanted this, us, but as annoying as Elliot is, he said some accurate things."

"And nothing's changed," Olivia said.

"Well … not yet," Alex said. Olivia cocked her head, curious as to what Alex meant.

"I have to go away for a 6-week training," Alex said. "I just found out last week."

"Oh," Olivia said, suddenly realizing how tough 6 weeks without Alex could be.

"Well, it's a federal training," Alex said. "Meaning I could apply for a job as a U.S. attorney."

"That … would be great, Alex," Olivia said. "I mean, if it's what you want."

"Well, the even better part is there will be an opening in the city – specifically dealing with sex crimes," Alex said.

"Alex, that would be perfect," Olivia said. "I mean, you'd be fantastic at it, as much as we'd hate to lose you, but also … maybe we could try to figure out what we are."

Alex nodded, but had a solemn look on her face.

"I feel like there is a 'but' attached to this," Olivia said.

Alex nodded. "It wouldn't be open for about a year, maybe a little longer," Alex said. "I mean, to be honest, it would take that long for me to be fully ready, but yeah, it's not immediate."

"Oh," Olivia said. "A year, huh?"

"Maybe a little longer," Alex said. "The training is 6 weeks. Then there are some courses/modules I'd have to do here. The additional position is supposed to open up next fall."

Olivia let out a deep breath. "Ok, so what now?"

"Well, I think we have to deal with Elliot first," Alex said. "And then figure out how to do this … for the next year or so."

Olivia sighed and nodded.

"What do you think, Liv? Can we?" Alex said. "I can't let my job before I at least try. And I wouldn't let you leave yours."

"And we don't even know if we'd work as a couple," Olivia said.

Alex nodded. "So, it's a risk."

#

Olivia laid in bed next to a sleeping Alex the following morning. She had been considering everything Alex said all night. It was a risk. It was far down the road for something they hadn't even tried to do yet. She wasn't sure they could keep up what they were doing – at least without not getting caught – without risking both their careers.

Then there was the fact that another point Elliot brought up is that their personal and professional boundaries had begun to cross more than they hoped – that was obvious by their work fights, and some of their bickering when not at work. The only thing she knew for sure is that Alex was a good friend – and was great in bed.

Alex woke up and knew immediately Olivia was awake. She wrapped her arm around the brunette and put her head on Olivia's shoulder.

"What's on your mind?" Alex said, even though she knew.

"Us," Olivia said.

"And?"

"I want to do this," Olivia said. "I want to try."

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	9. Elliot

_A/N: A couple weeks after last chapter. Here is some warnings ... there will be some challenging chapters coming up - so, fair warning for the angst (come on, it's my fic, you know I can't stay too far away from it). The 6-weeks and time thereafter will be challenging for the ladies to navigate a relationship. We'll see some time jumps ... but I can promise 1 chapter during the 6-weeks when Alex is gone (the next chapter) that will be plenty sexy for all you all that enjoy that :-)_

 _Timeline: few days after last chapter, so still summer-ish between S3 & S4._

 _Word Count: ~1,400 Rating: PG-13_

* * *

 **ELLIOT**

"How long Cabot going to be gone?"

Elliot had slowly begun to warm back up to Olivia over the past couple of weeks. Alex was supposed to leave early the next morning. She was a topic Elliot and Olivia had barely spoke of aside from ADA-related matters.

"Six weeks," Olivia said. She was dreading it.

Elliot pursed his lips together, thinking of how to respond and opting to wait for the question he really wanted to ask. "Who are we going get to replace her during that time?"

Olivia shrugged. "I think a rotating ADA. Whoever draws the short straw, I suppose."

"You have time for a beer or are going to see Alex tonight?" he asked. It was the closed he'd come to acknowledging whatever kind of relationship it was they had.

"She has to work late and finish some things up," Olivia said. "I do plan to see her before she leaves, but I have time, I guess."

Elliot nodded. "Ok. I'll just call and let Kathy know."

Kathy knew all about what happened with Elliot and Olivia. She didn't understand just why he was so upset, but she knew enough to know, without him saying it, his feelings had been hurt. She had encouraged him to move past it and work on accepting whatever Olivia decided.

#

Olivia and Elliot headed down to a nearby pub, grabbing a booth away from the crowd and a couple of beers and burgers – something they hadn't done in what seemed like forever.

"So … Alex," Elliot said, not really asking a question.

"What about her? You know what I do – she's going to a 6-week training," Olivia said.

"That's not what I mean," Elliot said. "I mean, you and Alex – what's going on?"

Olivia looked down, a little surprised Elliot was asking about her personal relationship with Alex, but at least glad they were talking.

"You mean, are we together?" she asked. Elliot nodded, sipping his beer and taking a bite of his burger. "We are going to try. I mean, the timing couldn't be worse, but we'll see how it goes."

"Yeah, her being gone for 6 weeks isn't exactly helpful," Elliot said. "You going to disclose?"

"El …"

"I'm not judging," Elliot said. "I just want to know where that leaves SVU."

"We want to test the waters first … officially," Olivia said. "And there may be a fed job opening up for her."

Elliot nodded. "Well, I'd hate to lose Cabot, but if it makes you happy…"

"It's a good job; a good career move for her," Olivia said. She didn't want to feel completely responsible for Alex giving up SVU. "But … it's probably a year out."

"Oh," Elliot said. "Well, you'll figure it out, Liv. You always do."

"You think so?" Olivia said.

"If this is the right move, right now, then you'll know," Elliot said.

"Are we good?" Olivia said. "I should have told you."

"You should have, but … I understand why you'd want to keep it under wraps," Elliot said. "I overreacted … and I'm sorry, too."

Olivia nodded. "It wasn't about you," she said. "I just … wanted to know first. I … well, it's different with you."

Elliot nodded. "You know I just want what is best for you, Liv," he said. "Both personally and professionally."

They both knew what the other was trying to say, even if neither of them would ever say it or even acknowledge it. They were different. _Was he jealous?_ Maybe. But it also didn't mean he wanted to be with Olivia. It just meant he was protective of her … and wanted the best for her.

They both just nodded, neither saying what they both understood.

"So, what's the plan?" Elliot asked.

"Well, we get through the next 6 weeks," she said. "Then when she's back, we see if we can actually pull off an actual relationship without it interfering with work – at least until she can move to the U.S. attorney's office."

"That will … be challenging," he said. "At least for the two of you."

"What?"

"Not letting it affect your work," he said. "I don't mean that as a bad thing, I just mean the two of you are so passionate and so damn stubborn. You're really going to have to work at this, Liv. And more than you normally work at relationships."

Olivia took a deep breath. She wasn't offended. She knew he was right. Relationships wasn't exactly on the list of things Olivia Benson was good at.

"I'm not saying you and Alex can't do it," he said. "I can see how much you all clearly … care … about each other." He refrained from using the word 'love,' even if he thought it may be true. "But the truth is, all relationships are hard. Even the ones without external challenges."

"I know," Olivia said. "And I'm not in a rush to make some serious commitment – neither of us are. But for now, we're going to see if this even works for us. Actually, try."

"Well, I hope it works for you," Elliot said. He lifts his beer and offered a toast to Olivia.

"To love?" he asked. Olivia grimaced at the word. She wasn't ready for that yet. "Ok, to finding someone you want to 'try' with."

Olivia nodded and lifted her glass. "To trying."

#

"I'm so glad you're here," Alex said, opening the door to Olivia and greeting her with a kiss. "I'm sorry I was so late. I was afraid you would think it was too late and be in bed."

"No, I actually went and had dinner and drinks with Elliot," Olivia said.

"Oh? How did that go?" Alex asked carefully. She was innately aware of how much being on the outs with Elliot had been affecting Olivia.

"It went … well," Olivia said. "We're making progress. And, he even asked about us."

"Oh? What did you tell him?"

"I told him what our plan was," Olivia said. "And he seemed happy."

"Really?" Alex asked suspiciously. She also thought Elliot was a little jealous. She was another person who didn't quite understand Olivia and Elliot's relationship, but she figured she didn't need to.

"Yeah. I think he just wants us to proceed carefully," Olivia said.

"You mean he doesn't want me to hurt you," Alex said.

Olivia shook her head. "No, it wasn't that. He just acknowledged the challenges we'll be facing. He doesn't want to see either of us get hurt."

Alex reached out for Olivia's hard, motioning toward the bedroom. "I don't want that either," she said. "And I think, or at least hope, that over the next few months, our future will reveal itself to us."

#

They laid in bed after making love, cuddled up and reveling in their final few hours together. Of course, they would be able to see each other over the 6-week period, but not much. With Alex being in Albany, NY and Olivia's schedule, like everything else, it would be a challenge.

"So, I realized, even though we decided to try this relationship, we didn't exactly talk about what that meant," Olivia said. They had kind of just functioned over the past two weeks in a state of joy and making sure to enjoy what time they had before Alex left. They hadn't really talked about what exactly "trying" meant.

"I guess it means we're dating," Alex said. "Hopefully, exclusively?"

Olivia nodded. "There's no one else I'm seeing … or want to see, so yes, I'm on the same page," she said.

"Were you asking because you're worried about Albany?" Alex smirked.

"Not worried … just want to know what to expect," Olivia said.

"You're adorable," Alex said. Olivia shook her head and smiled. "Hey, just promise me you'll stay out of any laundromats that isn't in your apartment building."

Olivia laughed. "Deal," she said. "Now, how many hours do we have?"

"Um, don't you have to work in the morning?" Alex said.

"I can sleep when you're gone," Olivia said. "Trust me, I'll make it worth it."

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	10. Tired

_A/N: Alex comes home mid-way through her training. They missed each other a lot. They have "mature" time. Pretty much all you need to know._

 _Timeline: Three weeks after last chapter_

 _Word Count: ~1,400 Rating: MATURE_

* * *

 **TIRED**

"Liv, go home."

"Huh?" Olivia muttered the response, half asleep at her desk finishing a report. It was the middle of the night on Friday, or was it Saturday morning? Yes, it was definitely Saturday morning, but Olivia had no idea what time.

"I said go home," Elliot said. "Alex is coming tomorrow and you'll want to be awake when she arrives."

Olivia sleepily nodded. They had been on a stake-out that turned into them chasing down a perp and then a lengthy interrogation.

"You going soon?" she asked.

"Not until morning," Elliot said. "I'm not going to risk waking up all the kids. Kathy would kill me. I'll catch shuteye in the crib until daylight."

Olivia nodded and got up from her desk to leave.

"Hey, Liv?" Elliot said, stopping her. "Have a good weekend with Cabot. You two deserve it."

Olivia gave him a half-smile, appreciating he was trying to be supportive of the relationship. It was week three of the six weeks. Alex had planned to come home sooner, but a family obligation kept her away from the city after week two. Alex had an event  
Friday night and planned to leave early Saturday morning. Olivia was just hoping she'd get in a few hours of sleep before Alex arrived.

#

Olivia didn't exactly remember the trip home, but was glad to see the inside of her apartment. She was even more glad they'd caught their guy and her weekend with Alex wouldn't instead be spent on another stake-out.

She made her way to the bedroom, slipping her shoes off then sliding her hand against the wall for the light switch. Before she hit it, something moving caught the corner of her eye and she reached for her gun.

As her tired eyes focused, she realized it wasn't a burglar – just a naked Alex Cabot asleep in her bed.

Olivia had given Alex a key before she left for Albany for a situation just like this – Olivia was stuck at work and Alex wanted to wait on her. She had missed Alex like crazy and hadn't realized just how she relied on Alex, how much a part of her life  
Alex was. Work without Alex was one thing, but not seeing her, spending time with her or even talking to her as often as she was used to harder than Olivia thought it would be. Boy, how she had missed the ADA.

A sleepy smile grew on Olivia's face as she looked on at Alex's legs and bare back, the sheets only covering her butt. She quietly undressed to her birthday suit – after all, Alex was – and slipped into bed beside the blonde, trying not to wake her.

"Mmm, you're home," Alex muttered a few moments later, sliding an arm around the detective and curling up closer to her.

"So are you," Olivia said. She leaned forward gave Alex a gentle kiss on the lips. "I missed you."

"Show me how much in the morning?" Alex said, her voice as sleepy as Olivia's.

"Absolutely."

#

The next morning, Olivia woke up alone in bed, much to her dismay. She looked around the room for any sign of Alex, hoping she hadn't dreamed the blonde in her bed last night. She rolled over to sit on the side of the bed when she heard the door to the  
bedroom creak and saw a head pop in.

Alex had a large smile on her face. "You're awake," she said.

"I'm not sure about that yet," Olivia said. "What time is it?"

"About 9:30 a.m.," Alex said. "You hungry?"

"I'm starving," Olivia said. "We didn't even have a chance to get dinner."

"I figured," Alex said. "And I have bacon."

Olivia smiled and shook her head. "I come home to a beautiful woman in my bed who tells me there is bacon waiting on me when I wake up … are you sure I'm not still sleeping?"

"I can even sweeten the deal," Alex said. "Crawl back in to bed and I'll bring it to you … with coffee."

"You really are amazing," Olivia said.

"I know," Alex said, smirking. "You've told me _several_ times. And hopefully, again later."

Olivia smiled and crawled back into bed, sitting up and waiting as Alex brought a tray with bacon, pancakes and coffee. She really outdid herself. Olivia scooted over so Alex had room to sit next to her and eat as well.

"You're home early," Olivia said.

"I missed you," Alex said. "And I really didn't want to wake up another morning without seeing you."

They made quick work of breakfast and caught each other up on the past few days since they had spoken. Alex talked about her training; Olivia filled her in on their active cases and about what ADA-of-the-week they had.

When they were done, Olivia took their trays and pushed them away from the bed on the floor. "I can put those away," Alex said.

"It can wait," Olivia said. "I promised you I'd show you how much I missed you." She raised her eye brows and wrapped her hands around Alex's waist before pressing their lips together.

Their kiss slowly turned desperate and their breathing picked up. Olivia moved on top of the blonde, feeling Alex's body below her, skin prickling as she began to kiss her neck. Alex groaned, letting her hand grasp at the back of Olivia's hair and tilting  
her head back to give her more access.

Olivia slid her hands down Alex's arms, then stopping to help the blonde take her shirt off, then teasing her nipples with her fingers.

"Oh, God, Liv. I've missed your touch," Alex rasped, arching her back and letting out a gasp as Olivia took one of her breasts in her mouth.

"Mm hmm," Olivia hummed, then slid her hand down to push Alex's shorts and panties off, pulling roughly at them before getting them off. Alex widened her legs. Her breathing grew raggedly as Olivia began to slowly stroke her hand between Alex's legs.

"Liv…" Alex gasped. The blonde felt her body begin to shiver with every touch from Olivia, every kiss, every lick. She bit back a moan as Olivia buried her fingers inside Alex.

Alex dug her fingers into Olivia's back, feeling every movement Olivia was making inside her, clenching around the brunette and feeling her body respond to every jolt, every thrust.

Olivia slipped her body down farther on the blonde who she felt trembling below her. Still inside Alex, she allowed her tongue to trail down to the blonde's core, flicking her clitand looking up to see Alex's eyes rolling back in her head. She delved  
in with her tongue, alternating between teasing and pressure, then settling into a steady pace and building up speed as she heard Alex begin to whimper.

"O-livia, please," Alex blurted. "Just – like – like – oh, God, fuck."

Olivia was smiling as she was lapping Alex up; she loved it when the blonde lost sense of her command of the English language. She also loved hearing her cuss like a sailor.

Finally, Olivia knew when it was time – when mean she was going to go hard and fast until Alex was done. The longs legs started shaking and her thighs began to collapse around Olivia's head as she started losing control. Then, Alex's body began jerking  
under her, hips shooting up, skin clammy until rippling waves went exploding through her body.

"Fuck…" Alex grunted, wrapping both arms and legs around Olivia and hanging on until her body stopped pulsing and she went still. "God, Liv, I love … uh, being with you."

Olivia inhaled quickly at the "L" word, then exhaled when Alex corrected her sentence. She wasn't sure if Alex just meant what she said, "loved being with" Olivia, or if she meant something more. Either way, part of Olivia was relieved.

Did she love Alex? As a friend, absolutely. As more? She might, but she definitely wasn't ready to say it or admit it yet.

Olivia crawled back up to Alex and nuzzled into her. She didn't reply or acknowledge what Alex said, she just wrapped her arms around her and – without words – showed Alex how much she felt for her.

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	11. Cabot's Back

_A/N: Alex's first day back to work and the DA has some new guidelines. Some tension. Some sweet moments. Some getting into the ladies' heads._

 _Timeline: Three weeks after last chapter_

 _Word Count: ~2,800 Rating: PG_

* * *

 **CABOT'S BACK**

"Cabot come back to work today?"

Olivia glanced around to see who may be listening before she answered Elliot sitting across their desks from her. It was early Monday morning. Alex had finished her training and come home Friday night. She and Olivia had spent most of the weekend together.

"Yeah," she replied. "Meeting with Donnelly this morning to get brought up to speed on everything. I imagine she'll stop by later to get briefed by us."

"How was the training?" Elliot asked. "Or did you even talk about it this weekend?" He smirked and gave her a knowing look. Olivia, in response, rolled her eyes.

"It seems like she enjoyed it, learned a lot," Olivia said. "Other than a recap of the day or week, we haven't spent much time talking about the specifics of work. And no, not for the reason you're thinking about."

Elliot laughed quietly. "I wouldn't blame you though," Elliot said. "I mean, if Kathy was gone for 6-weeks, I'd die."

"Well, you and Kathy are married, El," Olivia said. "We've barely began dating." Elliot knew that may be true, but he also knew Olivia had strong feelings for Alex.

"Fair enough," he said. He paused for a minute to write something down then looked back up. "You nervous?"

"About what?" she said.

"Well, I mean now, you and Cabot have to figure out how to really make this work – a relationship and working together," Elliot said.

Olivia was nervous about it. She was sure Alex was, too. But she also knew she'd regret it if they didn't at least try. She didn't respond to Elliot with words, just a shrug and went back to her work.

#

Olivia and Elliot returned from gathering some witness statements and were sitting around chatting with Munch and Fin when they all heard the familiar clicking noise coming from the hall in front of the elevator.

"I know that sound," Munch said as he turned around and greeted Alex. "Welcome back. Did Uncle Sam implant any chips into your skull while you were hanging out with the Feds?"

"Not that I'm aware of, John," Alex said. "But they'd probably erase my memory of it if they did." Everyone got a good chuckle. "Glad to be back. Is Cragen in his office?"

They all nodded and she headed off, only to return with the captain a few minutes later.

"As you all know, Cabot has been away doing some training for the DA's office and hopefully that information will help make us better at our jobs," Cragen said. "That said, over the past few months, and specifically during the last 6 weeks, the DA's office feels we've gotten a little loose on the information we're using to acquire warrants – and I agree."

The four detectives sitting there bit their tongues, but the eye rolls weren't as easy to hide.

"Know that this is not coming from Cabot," Cragen said. "And it's not specific to SVU, however Donnelly did complain about some of the warrants and requests going through her office during the past few weeks and said some of fill-ins for Alex felt pressured to make the requests even if they thought better."

"Captain -," Elliot started but Cragen cut him off.

"Save it, Elliot," Cragen said. "I've seen it myself. I don't think it was intentional, but you all can't talk to every ADA the way you talk to Cabot." He paused and looked toward Olivia and Elliot, but mostly Olivia. "And frankly, some of you, could tone that back a little, too."

Olivia clenched her jaws a little bit, feeling reprimanded by the captain, then Alex spoke up.

"I just want to say, I've never had a problem – for the most part – with any of that," she said. "I know I can be equally as hard on you all. So, as far as I'm concerned, that isn't a huge issue." She wanted to make sure the squad – and especially Olivia – knew the complaints about how they talk to Alex wasn't coming from her.

"But I will admit, I've been lax with you all, too," Alex said. "Mostly because I know you're good detectives and I trust your instincts. I know I can go to bat for you. But your captain is right, the DA's office is tightening up across the board. And, from what I heard, you all scared the bejeezus out of some of the younger ADAs." She laughed a little, trying to cheer up the crowd that wasn't liking what they were hearing.

"I know this will make your jobs harder – it'll make my job harder, too," Alex said. "But ultimately, what the DA wants is fewer overturned convictions and 1PP wants fewer complaints. So that means we have to tighten ship."

"And more perps walking around longer," Elliot muttered under his breath.

Alex took a breath and continued talking, ignoring his comment. Cragen glared at him as a father would a child – the look that says cut it out before you get in trouble.

"We're also going to be working closer with the U.S. Attorney's office on appropriate cases," Alex said.

"So, big brother is going to be swooping in and taking credit for our arrests, I see," Munch said.

"No, John, we're going to be working together," Alex said. "That's part of what this training was about, to help local prosecutors and assistant U.S. attorneys work better together, and to understand better how the other works. It's good for us."

"Good for us or good for you?" Elliot muttered again. Alex shot a look at Olivia, knowing she had obviously told Elliot about her plans.

"Elliot, one more word from you and you'll be sitting at home the rest of the day," Cragen said. "Like I said earlier, this is not coming from Cabot. This is coming from both our bosses. And if you all don't like it, you know where the door is.

"Further, I don't care if Cabot has a problem with how you talk to her – or anyone else for that matter – I expect _all_ of you to treat her with the same respect you'd give any other ADA coming in here. In fact, because she's your friend, I'd expect you to give her more," Cragen said. "I had to make more than one apology calls on your behalf to Liz while Alex was gone. Next time, it'll be you making it."

When he was done, everyone just stood silently, looking around to see if anyone else was going to speak. When it was clear they weren't, Alex said goodbye and everyone scattered quietly back to their desks.

#

"Captain, we have a witness who saw a man fitting Martin's description around the time of the crime. We're going to head over and see if Cabot can get a warrant to search his apartment," Elliot called out.

"You sure you got enough?" Cragen asked. "Just remember what we talked about earlier."

"Cap, we have an eyewitness that puts him at the scene," Olivia said. "What more do they want?" Cragen nodded, giving them the go ahead to ask.

When they arrived at Alex's office, they passed Elizabeth Donnelly in the hall and said hello. They knocked briefly then pushed through the door when Alex said, 'come in."

"We need a warrant," Elliot said. He handed Alex the affidavit for a search warrant and she read it over for a few moments before glaring up over her glasses.

"No."

"What?" Elliot said, holding back his outrage. "Alex, we have an eyewitness that puts Martin – and only Martin – at the scene."

"No, you have an elderly eyewitness who puts someone that fits Martin's description in the area of the crime scene," Alex said, handing the paper back to him.

"Are you kidding, Alex?" Olivia said. "So, now we can only have witnesses who know the suspect and can ID them by name. Her description fits the build of the suspect and the clothes we know he was wearing that night." She started pacing around Alex's office, and Alex's eyes followed her closely.

"Look, I know you all are testing me right now, see how much I will bend under the new rules," Alex said firmly. "Get another witness or find another way to get a warrant."

"And in the meantime, what, Martin is free to go out and rape someone else?" Olivia said, voice raising.

"No," Alex said back, her voice also getting loud. She ran her hand through her hair. "Keep an eye on him. Scour the streets. Someone else has to be able to place him there besides an 85-year-old woman. Any defense attorney will get that thrown out given she could potentially has vision problems at her age."

"You think we have looked for more witnesses? You think we suddenly forgot how to do our jobs?" Elliot was steamed.

"I'm sorry, I can't get you a warrant with this," Alex said.

"Fine, but if Martin rapes again, it's on you," Olivia said. Alex bit her lip to keep her anger at Olivia's words in.

Olivia and Elliot turned to leave, only to be stopped by Donnelly, who had overheard the entire conversation.

"Cabot is right, you need more," Donnelly said. "And if he does rape someone else, it won't be on her. In case you forgot, it's _your_ job to catch the bad guys. It's our job to prosecute them – in accordance with the law."

Oliva and Elliot kept quiet, nodding to acknowledge what she said, but eager to get out of there. She stopped them again.

"And if I _ever_ hear you all speak to any of my ADAs like that again, you'll be dealing with me for all your warrants from now and your Captain will get a formal complaint," Donnelly said.

Olivia glared back at Alex who had an apologetic look on her face. Then she and Elliot left.

"You held your own there, I see," Donnelly said to Alex after the detectives were gone.

"I am capable of that," Alex said. "I don't need you to defend me, either."

"You think I was defending you?" Donnelly said. "I was defending this office. Those two are good detectives, but God, they can be such babies when they don't get their way. They need a wakeup call."

Alex sat quietly, unsure what to say.

"Frankly, so do you," Donnelly said. "You've let them get by with too much lately. I mean, not while you were gone, but before that. I can't imagine Alexandra Cabot lets anyone talk to her the way you let them talk to you."

"I trust them," Alex said. "And I give it to them just as hard back."

"I expect you do, but Alex, keep in mind your job is not to make theirs easier, or keep them happy," Donnelly said. "Your job is to follow the law. And sometimes, I wonder if your relationship with those two cloud your judgement."

"Excuse me?" Alex said, suddenly defensive.

"You push the limits for them," Donnelly said. "Listen, I know your plans. I know you want to get out of here, be a federal prosecutor, then maybe come back and take your shot at the DA's chair in the future."

"How do you -,"

"How do I know that? I know everything," Donnelly said. "And it's the right path for you. We both know a position will be opening with the feds in SVU next year that you'd be perfect for. The rest of it, I just guessed at, but I know you and I know you want to end up in the big chair – you have a good shot at it, too."

"But?" Alex could tell by Liz's tone there was a 'but' coming.

"But, right now, you're too close to your detectives," Liz said. "Especially Benson and Stabler."

Donnelly got up and left. Alex put her elbows on her desk and ran her fingers through her hair – fearful she was going to have to soon choose between the job she loved and the woman she was falling for.

#

"Hey, come in."

Before work ended, Olivia called Alex to see if she wanted to have dinner and watch TV. It had been the plan anyway, but after Monday, Alex wasn't sure Olivia would want to see her.

The brunette came in and followed Alex to the couch while they waited on take-out dinner to show up. Alex already had a wine bottle with two glasses out on the coffee table and poured a glass for Olivia.

"I wasn't sure you'd still want to see me after today," Alex said. "After all, since I'm guilty of letting a rapist go free." She smiled when she said it, showing Olivia she didn't have any hard feelings, even if it had stung at the time.

Olivia sighed and smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, about that … I'm sorry," she said. "I just …"

"I know, Liv," Alex said. "You get passionate about this job. I do, too. I'm not offended."

"You sure? Cause the look on your face," Olivia said.

"Oh, I _was_ offended," Alex said. "I wanted to rip your face off, but I also knew you didn't mean it."

"I didn't," Olivia said. "And I will do my best to dial it back at work. Otherwise, Cragen and Liz will have my ass."

"Liv, you know I didn't complain about that," Alex said. "I've never complained about it."

"I know," Olivia said. "But Cragen is right. We push you too much sometimes."

"I can take it, but SVU really was the talk among those who had to work with you all while I was gone," Alex said. "I would have thought it was some sort of ritualistic hazing they were subjected to."

Olivia laughed. "No, I guess we just treated them like we treat you every day."

"Well, I hadn't noticed anything, so it's good to know I'm tougher than they are," Alex said.

"Oh yes, my tough-as-nails-ADA," Olivia said. She leaned forward and gave Alex a kiss and gently put her hand on the blonde's cheek. "I'm so glad you're back for good. Those were a long 6 weeks. Alex, I missed you and I think …" _I love you_. Before Olivia could decide whether to utter those three words, the delivery driver knocked loudly on the door, startling both of them out of their 'moment.'

#

Olivia lay in Alex's bed in the early morning hours, eyes still closed and nuzzled up against the blonde. She had missed Alex. And she was pretty sure she was falling for her – probably in love with her. She'd had other opportunities after dinner to tell Alex, but couldn't get up the courage again. Even if they had known each other much longer, the relationship was still very new. Saying it too soon may freak Alex out. And they still had a year to play it safe before Alex could be out of SVU. Then there was the issue of figuring out how to work together. Day one of this new arrangement had mostly been a complete failure, but she was happy they could put it all aside that evening and just enjoy being together.

Alex was also awake, thinking about Olivia. She was sure Olivia was about to tell her she loved her tonight before she was interrupted. However, Olivia didn't say it later, and Alex gave her plenty of opportunities to do so. Of course, Alex had yet to say it either, so she didn't exactly blame Olivia. Alex didn't know why she just couldn't say it herself, but had to admit, she was also scared. Maybe Olivia wasn't there yet. Alex knew relationships wasn't exactly Olivia's thing, so she didn't want to rush her. It was still early in their relationship.

Then there was Liz's words lingering over her. _You're too close to your detectives._ Why yes, she was. In fact, she was laying naked beside one right now – something Liz would have her ass over. Between Liz's insistence she remain professional and her training with the federal prosecutors, Alex knew her and Olivia dating was a big mistake – at least from a professional standpoint. In fact, an ADA in Brooklyn had just been re-assigned to a terrible assignment after a defense attorney brought to light she had been sleeping with one of her detectives, who also was demoted back down to patrol. Alex didn't want to give up Olivia, but didn't want either of their careers to be in jeopardy, either.

She had to figure out how they could keep this up for another year, each day falling harder for her detective, and not put everything they had worked for at risk.

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	12. Tell her

_A/N: Thanks for reviews. Hold on tight and trust me ... it's about to get rough, but I promise to get you through it quickly._

 _Timeline: October 2002 ~ about 3 months since last chapter_

 _Word Count: ~2,900 Rating: PG_

* * *

 **TELL HER**

" _Tell her, Liv."_

Olivia glanced down at the message on her cellphone and quickly hid it away from Alex who was sitting across from her. It was a crisp October morning and the two women were having breakfast at one of their favorite cafes. Alex was sipping her coffee and reading the newspaper; she didn't barely even looked up when she heard the text notification.

" _Don't rush me. I'll do it when it's the right time."_ Olivia replied to his message, glancing over to make sure Alex couldn't see what she was typing.

" _Now is the right time,"_ Elliot responded. With that, Olivia closed her phone and studied the blonde sitting across from her in the booth.

She loved Alex. She knew she was in love with her. Unfortunately, on a particularly late night in the office, and when Olivia was tired and weak, she had shared that information with Elliot after several days of prying. He was … happy? At least happy enough that he was insistent that she tell Alex how she felt.

" _Liv, with our job, you never know," he said. "You never really know if you'll be going home."_

" _That's a morbid thought," Olivia replied._

" _But you know as well as I do that it's true," he said._

 _Olivia nodded. "I do," she admitted. "I guess it just never really mattered before now."_

" _And that's how you know," he said._

" _Know what?"_

" _That you're in love with Alex," he said, smug look on his face._

Olivia wanted to say the words; she had thought about how or when was the right now. But every time she felt close, doubt creeped in, or her damn phone rang. Or Alex's phone rang.

"How's your food?" Olivia realized she had been staring off in space when she heard Alex asking her a question, but she didn't comprehend it.

"Huh?" Olivia said.

"Your food? You've barely touched it," Alex said. "Is it ok?"

"Oh, yeah, it's fine," Olivia said. "I just spaced out for a minute."

Alex nodded. "What did Elliot want?"

"How did you know it was Elliot texted me?" Olivia said, curiously.

"Because he's nearly the only person to text you besides me," Alex said. "And you had on your 'Elliot face,'" Alex said.

Olivia laughed. "My what? What's an 'Elliot face?'"

"It's the look you have on your face when he calls or texts you on your day off," Alex said. "It's an 'I'm annoyed and kind of want to kill you' look."

Olivia shrugged. "Good to know."

"So?"

"So, what?" Olivia asked, already lost again in the conversation.

"What did he want?" Alex asked. "Please tell me it's not a new case."

"Oh, no," Olivia said. "It was …" she paused to think up a cover, "just something funny one of the kids did."

"Oh? Ok," Alex said. "What was so funny?"

"What?"

"Oh, my God, Liv, where is your head this morning?" Alex said. "You said Elliot texted you something funny one of his kids did. What funny thing did they do?"

Olivia opened her mouth, trying to think of _anything_ to tell Alex. When she was about to tell her some old story Elliot had told her, she saw Liz Donnelly out of the corner of her eyes – walking their way.

Her face turned nervous suddenly at Liz seeing them out in public.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked.

"Liz is here," Olivia said.

"So?" Alex said. She waited on Olivia to say something and when she didn't, she spoke up again. "Liv, she knows we're friends. It's not a big deal for us to be seen having breakfast together…" Alex's voice got quiet now. "Now, if she'd seen us in your bed this morning…"

"Donnelly, good to see you," Olivia said, trying to speak over Alex so Liz couldn't hear, even though she was nowhere near enough close when Alex was speaking.

"Olivia, please … we're not at work. Call me Liz," she turned to Alex. "Alexandra, nice to see you looking relaxed this morning."

"Same to you, Liz," Alex said. "Join us?"

"Oh, no," Liz said. "I was just leaving actually. I was just here to pick up some food. I saw you on my way in, but figured I'd let you have your breakfast in peace."

Alex took a small breath at the knowledge Liz had potentially been watching them. She wasn't sitting anywhere near them, so she couldn't hear the conversation. And she and Olivia were very careful in public. Even still, it gave her caution.

"Anyway, I do need to get going," Liz said and turned to leave before stopping and looking back. "Oh, and Alex, it's nice to see you've been heeding my advice." She smiled as Alex's face did the opposite. Liz left and Alex rolled her eyes before returning to her food.

"What was that about?" Olivia asked. She knew that look. Liz had said something that got under the blonde's skin – and fast.

Alex shook her head. "Nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Alex, come on," Olivia said. "She obviously said something that upset you. What did she mean, 'heed her advice?'"

Alex cocked her neck back and looked up, taking a breath. She looked back down to Olivia and interlocked her fingers together in front of her – something Olivia noticed she did when she was trying to remain calm.

"She thinks I'm quote 'too close to my detectives,'" Alex said slowly.

"She what? When did she say that?"

"When I got back from Albany," Alex said. "In fact, do you remember the argument we had over a warrant my first day back?" Olivia nodded. "Well, after you and Elliot left my office, she made it clear what she thought about our relationship."

"Our relationship?"

"I just mean, how close she believes I am with you and Elliot. She said I let you two walk all over me," Alex said.

"Oh," Olivia said.

"I've been handling it," Alex said. "She's just trying to get under my skin right now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with us having breakfast."

"Sure … but, she's not wrong," Olivia said.

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, I hope you don't wake up naked next to any other detectives a couple mornings a week," Olivia said, grinning. "Please tell me you're not sleeping with Munch."

Alex got a good chuckle out of the thought. "Well, he does have the ability to put me to sleep faster than almost anyone – especially when he starts talking about moon-landing conspiracy theories."

The two ladies finished up their breakfast having had a good laugh, and Alex put the encounter with Liz out of her mind. Olivia, on the other hand, couldn't put it out of her mind, the thought that she was jeopardizing Alex's career.

Maybe now really wasn't the best time to tell Alex she loved her.

#

"You wanted to see me?" Alex meekly poked her head into Liz's office Monday morning. She had a message the bureau chief wanted to see her. She was certain it couldn't be about breakfast because she and Olivia had no physical contact. They didn't show affection. They barely talked during breakfast until Liz was gone.

"Alex come in," Liz said. "Shut the door behind you."

Now, Alex was nervous.

"We need to talk about something," Liz said, then paused for a moment, leaving Alex in suspense.

"Ok? Are you going to tell me what?" Alex replied finally.

"Not what. It's who," Liz said. _Shit,_ Alex thought. "Tell me about Detective Benson."

"What do you want to know?" Alex said. "You know she works at SVU. She's a good detective, a good person. I'm not sure what you're looking for. Did she do something wrong?"

"You tell me," Liz said. "Actually, don't. I don't want to know."

Alex was more than a little confused.

"Alex, have you ever been married?" Liz said.

Now, Alex was really confused. "You know I haven't," she said.

"My ex-husband and I were married for a good while," Liz said. "We were both attorneys and had busy lives, but we had this little routine each morning. He'd get up before me and shower. Then, while I was in the shower, he'd go put on a pot of coffee. By the time I'd get done, I'd join him at the kitchen table. He'd pour me some coffee and I'd make us some toast. Then we'd sit. We'd sit at the kitchen table, me with the newspaper, him with a crossword puzzle or a client file. And we'd barely speak. We'd just sit quietly, in comfort."

"Ok?" Alex wasn't following.

"It was some of our best times, actually," Liz said. "In all the busyness of life, that was our one quiet, comfortable moment to just be together."

"I'm not following you, Liz," Alex finally said. "Are you and your ex getting back together or something?"

"God, no," Liz said. "He was a cheating bastard."

Alex just sat in silence.

"What I'm trying to say is that, when you can do that with a person, there is a level of comfort and intimacy there that you don't share with other people," she said. "And I'm telling you this because when I saw you and Benson Saturday morning, I saw that. You were sitting there, reading the paper, sipping coffee, eating. She was in her phone, doing the same thing, and the two of you just looked … well, extremely comfortable. And I'm very good at reading people."

Alex leaned back and crossed her arms.

"Do you have a point?" Alex said, a little defiant.

"My point is the same as it was a few months ago," Liz said. "You're too close to your detectives, especially Olivia."

"There is nothing wrong with being friends," Alex said.

"Friends," Liz said. "Ok, well, that's correct. But even 'just friends' can be dangerous when you're in our positions. I will say this as clear as possible, Alex. I trust that you can be friends with Benson without compromising this office, but because you are friends, you better make damn sure you keep good boundaries so a defense attorney can't claim any kind of conspiracy."

"Noted," Alex said. "Are we done?"

Liz nodded and Alex got up. Teeth still clenched as she reached for the door.

"On more thing," Liz said. Alex turned around. "I admit I am harder on you than most of my ADAs. But it's because you have a very bright future, Alex. You're one of the best attorneys I've seen come through her in a long time."

Alex relaxed a little at Liz's compliment.

"Just make sure you think about your future. You're not going to make it to the DA's seat some day without pissing quite a few people off and making a lot of sacrifices," Liz said.

Alex nodded and left to go back to her office – now to consider her future with Olivia.

#

 _~One Weeks Later~_

" _In your zeal to show up federal officers, a witness and a U.S. Marshal are dead. That's all a jury needs to hear."_

Those words from Alex stuck in Olivia head.

Gavin Sipes was killed earlier in the day on his way to Rikers. His dad, a federal witness, was also dead. Of course, Olivia and Elliot still believed they were justified. They didn't want to see Gavin dead, but their job was to keep rapists off the street.

Alex and Cragen had left Olivia and Elliot in federal lock-up hours longer than they needed to, when they came to retrieve Gavin. The detectives were pissed.

They had been butting head with Alex throughout the case. She tried to be helpful, but they both noticed she was holding back more than what they expected, and they both suspected they knew why.

Olivia was expected Alex when she showed up. They'd had a very short phone call before Olivia went home – they needed to talk, Alex had said. Olivia wasn't exactly in the mood for another lecture, but she was willing to give Alex the benefit of the doubt. They'd had their share of work issues in the three months Alex had been back from Albany, but for the most part, they had handled them. Of course, Alex had been more than a little distant at work the past week.

"Something to drink?" Olivia offered as Alex made her way to the familiar spot on the couch.

"Water is fine," Alex replied.

Olivia brought them both a bottle of water and sat on the other end of the couch, facing Alex.

"So…" Alex said.

"So…" Olivia said.

"Anything you want to say?" Alex said.

Olivia was a little surprised. She had expected Alex to come with an apology, if not for anything else, then for leaving them in federal lock-up. Or at least an excuse as to why.

"If you're looking for an apology, you've come to the wrong place," Olivia said.

Alex turned her head, then looked up and sighed. "Liv, you and Elliot were way out of line," she said. "You're lucky you're not in jail."

"Oh, we spent plenty of time there … no thanks to you," Olivia said, bitterly.

"Excuse me?" Alex said. "I'm not the one that went rogue and got two people killed."

"Yeah, well, you certainly didn't lift a finger to try and help," Olivia said. "What? You were afraid to stand up to the feds in case it turned your future career there?"

"Screw you," Alex said. "It was Cragen's call to leave you there, but for what it's worth, I fully agreed. You and Elliot have so much righteous indignation you can't see anything other than what's right in front of you."

"What I saw was rape victims," Olivia said. "At least I wasn't there checking out my shiny new office in the federal building."

"You have lost your mind," Alex said. "You and Elliot don't care about anything other than being right – no matter whose life it costs. And how dare you accuse me of thinking about my job – you're the one doing that right now, at what cost?"

"My job is about people, not about my win percentage or the next best thing," Olivia said.

Alex shook her head. "You know the only reason I'm trying to get a job with the Feds is because of you, right? That had nothing to do with my decisions on this – I like to think I can do my job without that influence – but if you're attacking my future plans, know that it's only my plans so I can be with you."

"I never asked you to do that," Olivia protested. "So don't put this on me."

"No, you didn't," Alex said. "But we decided … together … when we decided to give this, us, a shot."

Olivia laughed sarcastically and shook her head.

"Keep telling yourself that, Alex," Olivia said. "You said yourself, a federal job will help you when you run for the DA seat. That's why you're doing this … not for me."

"You are so full of shit," Alex said. "You and your partner set there and justify everything. Getting too rough with perp. Asking for weak warrants. Anything to make your arrest and then blame me when something goes wrong."

This was new for them. Attacking each other in their jobs wasn't something they did – at least not for more than a moment before quickly retracting it and apologizing. But tonight, there was no backing down.

They both sat in silence, unsure of what to say as the awkwardness grew. Tonight, it wasn't a comfortable silence. It was 15 minutes for either of them spoke.

"I'm sorry," Alex quietly said, finally.

"Ditto," Olivia said. They both smiled at the word. _Ghost_ was one of their favorite movies and even though they had never said _I love you,_ they often used "ditto" when something was hard for one of them to say.

Neither of them were sure if the other was sorry for their actions and words, or just for the situation. They weren't even sure of it for themselves.

"What do we do?" Olivia said after another short period of silence. They both knew this wasn't just a small argument. This was bigger and it wasn't even about the argument. It was about if they could keep this up for a year.

Alex looked away, unable to look Olivia in the eyes. "I don't know," she said, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

Olivia nodded. "Me, either," she said. "I mean, maybe we can get over this, maybe not, but I think we both know that's not the problem."

Alex shook her head in agreement. "We can't keep this up, can we?" she finally asked, tears streaming down her face now as she finally looked up at Olivia, who was also in tears.

Olivia shook her head no, tears falling, unable to speak.

Alex covered her mouth with her hand, trying to take in what was happening – they were breaking up.

"This is the right thing for us right now," Alex said, trying to convince herself.

Olivia nodded. "We're a distraction to each other," she said, doing the same. "And your career matters."

"So does yours," Alex said.

"So…we're breaking up?" Olivia said.

"We're breaking up."

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	13. DC

_A/N: This one is a rollercoaster - with some hope._

 _So, there will be a time jump after this. 1 episode and then "Loss." After that, more time jumps, but I have an ending in sight (several chapters out), and I will move as quickly as I can to get us there. I know everyone is disappointed they broke up...but for new readers, know that I like happy endings (and if it's not going to be, I warn people of that early on). This will end happy._

 _Word Count: ~2,350 Rating: PG_

* * *

 **D.C.**

"So … you just broke up?"

Elliot knew right away when Olivia showed up to work the morning after the break up that something was wrong. Olivia looked like she hadn't slept all night. He finally figured out something was going on with Alex about mid-way through the day when she came to the squad room. Neither lady could even look at each other. Even when they were fighting in the past, usually they could stand to be around each other.

"Yes, we decided it was best," Olivia said.

Elliot watched her across the booth in the pub they were having dinner in. Olivia had refused to tell him what was going on at the office, too afraid she'd get emotional.

"Wow," Elliot said. "Over the fed thing?"

Olivia shook her head. "No. I mean, we fought over that, for sure," Olivia said. "But at the end of the day, the timing is just wrong for us. We promised when we started really dating that we'd never let our personal relationship affect our jobs, and that we'd never let work affect our personal relationship. As you know, that hasn't been easy for us. I think last night, it just all came to a head."

Elliot nodded and let Olivia keep talking, since she actually was, for once.

"I guess we're lucky it lasted as long as we did," she said. "I mean, we tried so hard, but we're both so committed to our jobs – to SVU. It just … wasn't meant to be."

Elliot watched as he saw his partner fighting back tears. He lifted his beer to Olivia.

"Liv, I'm sorry," he said. "I know you love Alex. Who knows what the future will hold?"

She shrugged. "I'm not holding my breath, El," she said. "I can't."

He just nodded. He knew how much Olivia was struggling with his. He could see it on her face; he saw it on Alex's face, too. She also looked like she had been up all night crying.

#

"Jesus Christ, Cabot, you pull a rager or something last night?"

Alex sighed and looked up. She'd recognize that southern drawl anywhere.

"Always so good to see you, Abby," Alex said. "I thought southerners were supposed to be charming?"

"We can, but we're also brutally honest," Abbie said. "I hope you didn't have court today."

Alex shook her head. "No, thank God," she said. "What brings you by?"

"In town for a training and heard through the grapevine you are looking to go fed," Abbie said.

"This place leaks like siv," Alex said. "Maybe, but it's some time away."

"What about your detective?" Abbie said.

Alex closed her eyes and sighed. It told Abbie everything she needed to know about what was wrong with Alex.

"Ohhh," Abbie said. "So, this isn't a new look for you. This is 'Olivia Benson broke my heart' face."

"Can you not, today?" Alex said.

"Ok, I'm sorry," Abbie said. "Is that what it is though? I mean, are you two together, like officially?"

"We … were," Alex said. "Until last night."

"Damn," Abbie said. "What happened?"

"The thing that we both knew would happen," Alex said. "Work. I mean, we tried, and we did well for a while, but in the end …"

"Wait a second? Does this have anything to do with you leaving her and Elliot in Federal lock-up for hours this week?" Abbie said.

"Seriously? Do you have this place bugged?" Alex said.

"No, but the Feds leak as much as the DA's office," Abbie said. "When I got wind a Manhattan ADA and NYPD commander left their detectives in lock-up for a little extra time-out, I knew it had to be SVU. What did Benson and Stabler do this time?"

Alex shook her head. "I don't' even want to talk about it," Alex said. "But to answer your question, no, that's not exactly why we broke up. But it led to the conversation where we both had to admit this wasn't working as we hoped it would."

"Well, of course not," Abbie said. "I could have told you that."

"You encouraged it!"

"I figured if it was serious, one of you would transfer out," Abbie said.

"Well, I was working on it, but now, I guess it doesn't matter," Alex said.

"Well, if you're seriously interested in going Fed, there's a spot opening up in my office in a couple months," Abbie said. "I'm sure we'd love to have you."

"In D.C.?"

"Yeah, but maybe it will help get your mind off Detective Benson," Abbie said.

Alex sat back in her chair and put her chin on her hand, contemplating Abbie's offer.

#

 _Two weeks later_

Things had been chilly between Olivia and Alex. There was no fighting, but the temperature had changed. For Olivia, it changed when she heard a rumor Alex was considering a Federal prosecutor position in D.C. In her mind, it justified what she said about Alex only caring about her career.

For Alex, it changed as a response to Olivia's icy reception to her. She had been hopeful, after their breakup, that they could eventually go back to being friends – as far-fetched as it founded to be friends with someone you just broke up with.

Neither of them were rude. They just did their jobs and tried to forget they were in love.

"Go find Cabot and get a warrant," Cragen instructed his detectives. It was after-hours and they had no idea where she was and she didn't answer when Elliot tried to call.

"Maybe her assistant will know if she had plans," Olivia said, searching through her phone for Julie's home number.

 _Ring. Ring. Ring._

"Julia, it's Detective Benson. We're looking for Alex. Do you know where she is?"

"Oh, Olivia, hi," Julie said. "Um, you know, I don't think she … had anything on her calendar." She was speaking slow and Olivia could tell she was feeling uncomfortable. Julie didn't "know" Olivia and Alex had been dating, but both ladies had a feeling Julie suspected.

Olivia lowered her voice so as to not speak in front of her colleagues. "Look, I know this is unusual, but I promise this is work related. We need a warrant and she didn't answer her phone," Olivia said, trying to reassure the young girl.

"Ok. I overheard her say something about Viccio's," Julie said softly. "She's probably there now."

"Viccio's?"

"Yes," Julie said, almost apologetically.

"Ok, thanks Julie," Olivia said. "I owe you."

She closed her phone and handed the name of the place down for Elliot. She tried to not assume the worst, but with the way Julie was acting, it wasn't looking good. Viccio's was a pretty fancy restaurant, and she obviously wasn't there for work or it would have been on Julie's calendar.

Elliot looked at the name of the place. "You sure you want to go, Liv?" He knew what was up.

Olivia nodded. "Yeah, let's go."

#

The host pointed Alex out in the restaurant and Olivia and Elliot made their way back to Alex's table. Olivia stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Alex – that fucking red dress. Alex was definitely on a date.

Elliot saw his partner and took the lead, having a seat across from Alex. She was alone at the moment. _Maybe she got stood up,_ Olivia thought, then realized how nuts it would be to think anyone would stand Alex up.

Olivia didn't remember much of the conversation, leaving Elliot to do most of the talking. That was, until she recognized the voice behind her – Trevor Langan.

Olivia's mouth dropped over, and she clenched her jaw for a moment before speaking.

"Looks like Alex is, uh, dining with the enemy," Olivia said, glaring at Alex.

"Can you give us two minutes?" Alex asked Trevor. He nodded and walked to the bar, leaving Alex with her detectives.

Alex turned back to Elliot, hoping to solve the matter at hand. Olivia couldn't even look at Alex. The blonde glanced apologetically at Olivia. She knew what it must look like to her.

Olivia never looked up. She just took the paper back from Alex and steamed until they left the restaurant.

#

It was late when Olivia got home. She quickly changed out of her work clothes and grabbed a beer from the fridge. She needed to wind down and before sleep and figure out exactly how her world had crashed around here in the last two weeks.

It was nearly 10:30 p.m. when Olivia heard a knock on her door. Any other night, she would go straight for her gun before checking it at this hour, but tonight, she had a good idea who was outside.

She opened the door. "What? Your date end early?"

"Can I come in?" Alex said. She was still in that damn dress.

Olivia moved to the side and let Alex pass by. She took a place on the couch and slipped her shoes off.

"By all means, make yourself at home," Olivia said, rolling her eyes.

Alex sighed. "My feet hurt," she said. "Can we just please talk for a minute?"

"I don't know what we have to talk about," Olivia said. "Look, we broke up. You can date anyone you want. I just didn't expect … him. And Viccio's? Really?"

They had planned to go there before breaking up – Alex had been begging – they just never made it.

"It wasn't a date," Alex said.

"It sure looked like a date," Olivia said. As angry as she was, she couldn't take her eyes off Alex in that red dress. "It wasn't a case because he's not representing anyone we're prosecuting."

"I was trying to talk him into coming to a fundraiser and sponsoring a table," Alex said. "The Children's Advocacy Center fundraiser is coming up, and I'm on the board and in charge of the fundraiser this year. I was trying to soften the blow."

"So, what? You bribed him with sex?"

"Stop it!" Alex said. "What the hell is your problem? I didn't – and wouldn't – sleep with Trevor Langan. But this isn't even about him, is it? You've been treating me like shit for nearly two weeks."

Olivia looked away, fighting back the urge to yell back at Alex.

"When we broke up, I thought we handled it pretty well," Alex said. "I mean, we talked it out and we made that decision together. So, if you're made we broke up, you need to remember you said the words first, not me."

Olivia remained silent.

"And for a few days, it was okay. I mean, it was awkward, but I thought maybe, just maybe, we could still be friends," Alex said. "But then, you started flat out ignoring me. Not returning my calls. Not looking at me. No talking to me. Nothing. I mean, geez, I thought I deserved better treatment than that."

"Yeah, and I thought I deserved to be treated better than to hear you're moving to D.C. through the rumor mill," Olivia spat back. Alex's mouth opened. "Yeah, I heard that. So, please, tell me again how you were only going to take a Fed job for me and not for your career."

"That's what this is about?" Alex said. She tilted her head back and ran her fingers through her hair. Olivia couldn't keep her eyes off the blonde even as angry as she was. "That's not even … you know what, it doesn't even matter."

The two women, in all their yelling had managed to be sitting awfully close on the couch.

Alex leaned down to put her shoes on, then decided to finish her sentence to Olivia, to tell her about D.C. When she raised back up, Olivia took her face in her hand and kissed her hard and passionate.

The detective pulled away, realizing maybe she shouldn't have done that. They both took a breath and stared at each other.

"I'm sorry," Olivia said. Before she could say anything else, Alex leaned in and kissed her.

They kissed hurriedly, Olivia pulling Alex on top of her, and pushing her dress up. Alex pushing Olivia's pajama bottoms down, and pulling her shirt off.

They fucked – right there on the couch – wantonly and desperate for each other's touch. They weren't making love; they had a need and wanted each other.

When they were done, Olivia led Alex to the bedroom, hung up the blonde's dress so it didn't wrinkle, and gave Alex some pajamas to sleep in. They crawled in bed, as they had done tons of time, and made love again. This time, tenderly.

Hours later, as the light began to creep into Olivia's bedroom window, the two women laid together, holding each other, both wide awake.

"You awake?" Alex said. She knew Olivia was awake. She could tell by her breathing.

"Yeah," Olivia whispered.

"I don't regret this," Alex said.

"Ditto," Olivia said. Alex smiled.

"Nothing has changed," Alex said.

"Nothing has changed," Olivia repeated. Both in the same place they had been just months ago.

"I turned down the job in D.C.," Alex said.

"What?"

"I was never really interested," Alex said. "But, Abbie …"

"Oh," Olivia said. She realized how she had treated Alex for nothing. "I'm sorry for how I treated you."

"You were hurting," Alex said. "So was I – I still am."

"Me, too," Olivia said.

"I know," Alex said. "Liv, you know we still can't …"

"I know," Olivia said.

"But, my plans haven't changed," Alex said. "I still want to work for the U.S. attorney's office. And, when or if that day comes, then maybe … we can try again?"

Olivia nodded. "I'd like that." They both took a deep breath. Alex laid her head on Olivia's shoulder and the two of them went back to napping until they had to get up and go to work.

Back to pretending they weren't in love with each other.

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	14. Loss

_A/N: This chapter is different. You'll know it from the start. New chapter tonight._

 _Word Count: ~1,500 Rating: PG_

* * *

 **LOSS**

"I can hear you thinking."

A smile grew on Olivia's face. It was the first time she had smiled throughout this entire case, but how could she not? She had Alex Cabot in her arms – something that had been few and far in between during the past near-year.

Of course, the reason Alex was in her arms this particularly morning wasn't something to smile about.

"Is that right?" Olivia replied to the blonde ADA nuzzled next to her.

"You're worrying," Alex said.

"I think we have good reason to worry, Alex," Olivia said. "An international drug lord threatened your life." Alex sighed. "Oh, and last night, he killed a US Marshal," Olivia continued.

Alex lay silent. It was too early for either of them to be awake, but neither of had slept much the night before. Alex traced circles on Olivia's stomach, thinking about everything that had transpired over the past few days with Velez. She also thought of the last year – how much time had they wasted? How much time were they still wasting?

"Thank you for being with me last night, Liv," Alex said, finally. "You are always here for me, so tender and gentle."

"And I always will be," Olivia said. She let her mind wander to the past year, too. The times when they had comforted each other, as much as they swore every time would be the last.

" _Alex, this isn't your fault," Olivia told her the night Cheryl Avery was raped at Rikers._

" _Then whose fault is it?"_

" _The system. The laws. I don't know, but it's not yours," Olivia said. "And Cheryl was the one that put herself in that situation. She killed someone rather than dealing with her secret coming out."_

" _We all have secrets, Liv," Alex said._

 _Alex's words were especially poignant, given the two of them were in bed together. When they returned from the hospital that night, Olivia gave Alex a hug before turning to leave the blonde's apartment, but Alex didn't let her go. "Stay," was all Alex needed to say before Olivia felt Alex's lips on hers, backwards walking them to the bedroom._

Then there was the day they'd had a huge argument and Olivia went to Alex's apartment to confront her.

" _Where do you get off?" Olivia asked, wanting to know why Alex had been so hard on them earlier that day, not defended them to Cragen._

" _Usually in my bed – sometimes in yours," Alex said, then smirked. She knew it would drive Olivia crazy, her being a smart ass when Olivia was trying to start a fight. "Though, I haven't gotten off in a long time. Maybe you can help with that?"_

 _Alex just stood with her arms crossed, smug look on her face, watching Olivia roll her eyes and pace around her apartment living room. She also knew what was next – and she was right. Olivia quickly leapt across the room and before Alex knew it, she was in Olivia's arms, the detective's lips on her neck, and falling back on the couch._

Yes, it had been a crazy year. But for Olivia, the reality of their jobs had come crashing down the moment she heard about the death threats against Alex. Olivia always thought if something like that ever happened, it would be her – it should be her.

The circles Alex was tracing suddenly stopped and Alex look up at Olivia.

"I forgot to tell you, in everything happening," Alex said. Olivia looked at her, wondering what other shoe could possibly drop. "The job in the US Attorney's office is open and even though it's not set in stone, it's mine if I want it."

Olivia took a sharp breath. It was exactly what she needed to hear right then, but she also wasn't sure if Alex had changed her mind in the past several months; they had refrained from talking about it.

"Do you … want it?" Olivia asked.

Alex nodded. "Yes. And I want us."

Olivia tightened her grip on Alex, taking in her scent and for the first time in days, feeling a sigh of relief and hopeful about what was ahead – for both of them.

#

Elliot looked at Olivia across their desks. She was looking at him, but she wasn't there. Her eyes were glazed over and he knew exactly what she was thinking about – he was, too. No one in the squad room spoke.

 _Gunshots._

" _Alex! No, no, no, no, no. Alex. Alex. Alex. It's going to be ok. It's going to be ok. Stay with me, sweetheart. I need you to stay with me, it'll be ok. Alex. Alex. Stay with me, Alex. I love you, Alex. Please stay with me."_

Olivia couldn't get the events of that night out of her head. The woman she loved died on the sidewalk in front of her – her blood gushing through her fingers. The woman she had spent the last year trying to put out of her mind. The woman she had never told she loved her until it was too late. The woman who likely never even heard the words Olivia had said.

They waited too long. And Olivia let Alex die. _It should have been me_.

"Agent Hammond wants to see the two of you," Cragen said, handing Elliot a piece of paper with an address. "Said something about tying up some loose ends."

They made the drive out of the river, some abandoned area, unsure of what "loose ends" could be left – Velez had taken care of all of them.

When they got out, Hammond greeted them.

"Real pain in the ass, this one," he said. Elliot and Olivia had no idea what he was talking about until the moment Alex got out of the dark SUV. Olivia's mouth dropped open, like she was seeing a ghost.

"I'm so sorry about all of this," Alex whispered, looking at Olivia, blue eyes piercing her, desperate for Olivia to know.

Tears filled Olivia's eyes. "Your funeral is tomorrow."

"And you're both expected to attend," Hammond said, standing behind the detectives.

"Witness protect," Elliot said. Alex nodded.

"Until Velez is extradited or otherwise dealt with," Alex said. She was looking away, unable to bear seeing the tears in Olivia's eyes because of her.

"How long?" Olivia managed to squeak out.

Alex tried to answer her, but couldn't. She didn't know. She just shrugged, fighting back the urge to kiss Olivia – tell her goodbye. The look Olivia gave Alex, the hurt and pain of not knowing when they would ever be together, broke Alex's heart. She just nodded, telling Olivia that somehow, someday, they would get through this.

"We have to move," Hammond said. He handed something to Elliot and then the black SUVs drove away, taking Alex with them.

#

Alex's funeral was a blur. It was large. Lawyers. Police officers. Politicians. Alex's family. To everyone there, Olivia was just another person grieving the loss of Alex. She sat in the middle of everyone else, fighting back most of the tears she wanted to shed, and pretended she was grieving the loss of a colleague and friend – never mind that Alex wasn't dead.

"Mrs. Cabot, I'm so sorry for your loss," Olivia said, making a point to speak to Alex's mother. _God, even Alex's mom couldn't know her daughter was alive._

"Thank you, Olivia," Caroline Cabot said. "I know how deeply Alexandra cared for you. She spoke of you often." The look Caroline gave Olivia made her question whether Alex's mom knew there was something more to their relationship. But she didn't say anything else, and Olivia certainly wasn't going to ask.

When they left the funeral, Elliot took Olivia home and walked her inside. His feelings were all over the place and he couldn't imagine what Olivia's were.

"She had the job."

Elliot looked up from his beer, the two of them sitting on the couch. He gave his partner a look that said he had no idea what she was talking about.

"The job in the US Attorney's office. She had the job. It would have started in about a month," Olivia explained.

Elliot didn't need further explanation. He knew it meant the two of them had planned to be together when Alex changed jobs. His heart broke even more for his partner.

"She told me the morning after the explosion," Olivia continued. "But … at least she's alive."

Suddenly, Elliot remembered the note Hammond gave him with explicit instructions it couldn't be opened until after Alex's funeral.

"I almost forgot," Elliot said, pulling the envelope from his pocket. It wasn't addressed to anyone. "Hammond gave me this, said we couldn't open it until after the funeral."

Olivia took a deep breath, still numb to everything happening.

He furrowed his brow when he opened it, unsure what, if anything, it meant.

"What is it?" Olivia asked.

Elliot shrugged. "It looks like Alex's handwriting, but …" He handed it to Olivia.

On the scrap piece of paper was a single word.

 _Ditto._

* * *

 _A/N: Don't worry, I won't leave you here, but expect time jumps until we get to the conclusion._

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	15. Ghost

_A/N: Notes below at end._

 _Timeline: 16 months later; February 2005_

 _Word Count: ~1,650 Rating: MATURE_

* * *

 **GHOST**

"Liv? You gonna be ok?"

Ever since the words had been uttered Olivia has been split between a daze and determination. Elliot knew the gamut of emotions his partner must be feeling.

 _The murder of Alexandra Cabot._

Olivia blinked her eyes, snapping out of it and looked across her desk to Elliot. "Yeah, but I want to nail this bastard."

"We will," Elliot said. "We'll get him this time."

A bullet from a murder case they were working had matched an old case in the system – the bullet that ripped Alex out of Olivia's life 16 months ago.

It had been a long 16 months, too. Olivia had cried for days, weeks maybe. Sure, she was happy Alex was alive, and she knew that is what was important – Alex was alive and safe. But having been so close to their future and having it snatched away took a toll on her. There was no future; there wasn't even closure.

Eventually, Olivia returned to the real world and tried her best to move on. She had no idea if or when Alex would ever come back; each day killed her hope of a reunion just a little.

But now? Now all that hope returned in one single instant.

#

The next couple of days took a dangerous twist when Casey Novak, their new ADA, called for Connors arrest for the murder of Alex – in the middle of open court. Olivia and Elliot had no choice, in their opinion, than to arrest him. They couldn't even hint they knew Alex was alive – it would put her life in jeopardy.

 _What were you thinking?!_

Cragen shouted at them. He was angry. He understood, but he told them he wasn't sure if he could save them from this.

Then there was Casey.

 _You should have trusted me._

They should have, but again, Olivia, and by default, Elliot, wasn't going to do anything that could risk Alex's life again – no matter the cost.

When Alex walked into Casey's office that day, smirk on her face, Olivia was both ecstatic and terrified for Alex's life.

 _Who else is going to get you out of this mess?_

Finally, the moment Olivia had been waiting on for 16 months. She entered the hotel room knowing she had all night alone with Alex. All night to sort through the mess of everything and hopefully, their future.

Elliot made himself scarce and Olivia, unsure of where she and Alex stood, proceeded with caution.

It wasn't everything Olivia had hoped for, especially when Alex told her about the man she had been seeing in Wisconsin. Olivia wasn't expecting that. She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but it wasn't that.

It's not like she hadn't been on dates – she had, but mostly out of necessity. She never really tried with any of them. But "dating" someone was different – maybe Alex had moved on.

They retreated to the couch finally, a chance to talk about everything going on after Alex looked through the casefile Olivia wasn't supposed to give her.

"Casey was pretty mad, huh?" Alex asked.

"To say the least," Olivia said. "But, we'll fix it. She's become a good friend."

Alex nodded. "I'm sorry … for all of this."

"Alex, no. This isn't your fault. None of it is," Olivia said. "I'm just happy to have you here next to me, alive and well." She reached down and put her hand on Alex's. The last time she touched Alex it was to stop the bleeding from her shoulder, blood running through her fingers. This time, it was different, and nothing made Olivia happier.

Alex smiled. "How have you been?"

"I've been …" Olivia paused. She wasn't really sure she had felt much of anything since Alex left. "I missed you, Alex." Her hand grazed Alex's face, brushing her hair back and tucking it behind her hears. Alex's hair had gotten longer and her bangs were gone.

"I've missed you, Liv," Alex said, putting her hand on top of Olivia's. "And I don't know what is going to happen after this. I can't make any promises."

"I don't need any," Olivia said. "I'm just happy you're here right now."

"We have tonight," Alex said. She pulled the palm of Olivia's hand to her mouth and kissed it.

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked. She knew Alex had a long day ahead of her, and then there was the man in Wisconsin.

Alex didn't say anything. She merely got up, reached her hand down for Olivia and led her over to the bed.

They stood in silence, slowly undressing each other, slowly savoring every moment, every touch, and every sight.

 _Alex's scar._ Olivia gently traced it with her finger tips, something Alex never let her Wisconsin boyfriend do. Olivia kissed it, then moved her lips up to Alex's lips. So full. So soft. She tasted exactly like Olivia remembered.

They got into bed and wasted no time wrapping their arms around each other and pressing their bodies together.

"God, Liv, I've missed you," Alex said before kissing the detective again. "I've needed you so badly."

It was all Olivia needed to hear before she kissed Alex back, deeper and more passionately than before. The charge going through her body wasn't going to last forever – just the touch of Alex and the sound of her voice made Olivia feel more than she had felt since the last time they were together; when they were full of hope of Alex getting a new job and them finally being together, openly.

Alex rolled Olivia on her back. She wanted to take charge. Being with a man, who was very traditional in bed, she rarely had the chance and she wanted to show Olivia how much she missed her – in case she never got the chance again.

Her lips trailed down Olivia's neck; her hands on the brunette's inner thigh. Olivia shifted her legs apart and let the blonde stroke her as Alex worked her mouth down her body.

"Alex, please, I need you," Olivia moaned. She was ready for Alex, had been ready for Alex.

Alex kissed her again as she slid her fingers down and entered Olivia, feeling the warmth and throbbing from the detective. Olivia hadn't been touched like that in so long, so gently, so lovingly. Someone who need every inch of her body inside and out, and especially inside.

Olivia's hands slid down Alex's back, breathing deepening with every thrust, every graze of her clit. She dug her fingers into Alex's back, sliding one hand down to grip Alex's ass. "Fuck, Alex. No one makes me feel like you do," Olivia rasped.

The sweat began to form on their bodies as Olivia increasing squirmed below Alex, hips thrusting up and back arching as she felt the waves through her body grow larger.

Alex stopped momentarily, and Olivia whimpered until she felt Alex move down her body, her mouth moving right toward Olivia's core. She cried out when Alex's tongue flickered over her clit, tossing her had back and gripping the sheets on the side of the bed.

"Oh, God, Al … just like … that…"

Alex looked up to see Olivia, smiling when she was her eyes rolling back and looking over the length of her body. Her taut torso. Her perfect breasts. Her luscious neck. Those dark chocolate eyes glazed over.

Then she felt it, Olivia's hips shot up, thighs began to shake, and the moaning grew louder. Alex knew she was holding back so the protective detail outside didn't hear them, but Alex didn't care. She curled her fingers up inside Olivia, and doubled down with her tongue.

"Al…Al…Allllllex! Fuck…yes….please…don't….stop…."

Alex didn't stop. Not until she felt every single bit of energy rip through Olivia's body and fall completely limp below her and saw the brunette's skin covered in goosebumps. Even then, she waited a moment before she removed her hands and mouth, not wanting to startle Olivia. When she did, she did so slowly and kissed Olivia's center once more before joining her at the top of the bed. She laid her had on Olivia's chest and listened as her breathing and heartbeat eventually slowed. She always loved knowing what kind of effect she could have on her detective – and what effect Olivia could have on her, which she looked forward to once Olivia reclaimed some energy.

While Olivia caught her breath, Alex – one again – drew circles on her stomach as she had the last time they were together. When Olivia spoke, Alex raised up and pushed Olivia's sweaty hair from her face.

"Wow," Olivia said. "I have missed that."

"Me, too," Alex said. "And I've missed you."

"Ditto," Olivia said, causing both of them to smile and but also grow sad, the future unknown.

"Liv …" Alex said, then took a breath. "I love you."

"I love you, Alex," Olivia said. "I always have."

"I still don't know what will happen after tomorrow," Alex said, nearly in tears. Olivia wiped them away and kissed Alex's cheek where the tears had been.

"I know," she said. "But, we'll figure it out."

#

 _She asked me to say goodbye._

Hammond's words would haunt Olivia forever. Alex was gone – again. And this time, she didn't even say goodbye herself, she sent someone else to do it for her.

That, to Olivia, was the worst part of it. She could understand Alex's life was still in danger – as long as Velez was alive, it would be – but for Alex to not say goodbye? Olivia couldn't understand that.

And she couldn't understand how the woman who told her she loved her just last night, could up again leave her again without so much as even a note this time.

Alex was gone; and so was Olivia's hope for their future.

* * *

 _A/N: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But, I will have a new chapter tonight. Expect a time jump. There won't be any chapters without Alex. But, we're turning a corner to happy._

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	16. I don't know

_A/N: So, I'm going back away from the episode driven chapters - though this one contains portions from Season 10 "Lead" when Alex re-appears. I wanted to leave you tonight with something not so horrible._

 _Timeline: Season 10, March 2009 - nearly 4 years later._

 _Word Count: ~2,800 Rating: PG-13_

* * *

 **I DON'T KNOW**

"Well, I wasn't expecting Cabot today. Have you talked to her?"

Olivia didn't bother to look up from her desk to respond to Elliot. Her eye roll told him everything he needed to know.

"Guess not," he mumbled. "You want to grab a drink or something on our way out of here?"

He knew what effect Alex's sudden reappearance today had to have on his partner. She just showed up out of the blue, no warning and no greeting. Just " _what do we got?"_ as if she had never left.

Elliot was probably as angry about it as his partner was. He knew Olivia's was mixed with hurt and pain, but he wasn't sure he could ever forgive Alex what she did to his partner. He understood her going to Witness Protection, but not leaving without saying goodbye and definitely not failing to at least call when she got back to the city.

"No," Olivia replied, still not looking up. She was not in the mood for company, even Elliot.

"Liv, you have to be feeling something," Elliot said.

Olivia shook her head. "I stopped feeling something three years ago." With that, she got up, grabbed her leather jacket and left the squad room without saying another word.

For her part, Olivia wasn't ready to go home just yet, so she just walked. Velez had died in prison three years ago and Connors had been extradited to Ireland. Alex's threat had ended and Olivia expected her to come home to her, to start their life together finally.

But Alex never came – not to Olivia anyway.

She waited for the call. Even began nosing around to see if, and when, Alex was coming home. Eventually, she got the news Alex was home, and had been home. But the call never came.

Alex not saying goodbye had been a gut punch, but over the year or so after that, she had come to accept it and decide she could move past it. Alex not calling when she returned was the second gut punch.

But the final one, the one that killed Olivia, was seeing the wedding announcement in the paper for Alexandra Cabot, the new bureau chief for homicide, to some wealthy businessman named Robert. That came just about 9 months after Alex's return from Witness Protection.

When Alex showed up at that crime scene today after Greyleck got suddenly send to D.C., she was literally the last person Olivia expected – or wanted – to see.

#

Alex was alone in her apartment when she heard the buzz. She had been expecting it. Heck, she'd even prepared for it. She knew she had some explaining to do to Olivia. It had been three years – three years wasted. And Olivia no doubt knew about her short-lived engagement to Robert. For all Alex knew, Olivia may believe she was married to him.

Alex was in a new apartment, but she knew Olivia would be able to find it. It was public record between the DA's office and 1PP.

Alex had set out a bottle of wine, lowered the lights, put out candles and put on light music. Anything to relax Olivia, who she expected to be full of rightful anger.

"Elliot?" Alex was not expecting Elliot to show up at her door that night.

"Cabot, can I come in?" he said calmly. The surprise on her face was apparent. She looked behind him, hoping Olivia was with him, but she wasn't.

"Um, sure," she said, moving to the side to let him through. Elliot immediately looked around the apartment, noticing the wine, music and candles.

"You planning on having company?" he said.

Alex shook her head. "No, I … um, was just trying to relax," she said. "First day back in SVU was a bit different than my last gig."

"If you're expecting Benson to show up here, to forgive you, you're going to be waiting a long time," Elliot said.

Alex clenched her jaw. Elliot was not the person she wanted to be having this conversation with.

"Liv send you here?" Alex asked.

"No," he said. "Detective Benson doesn't need me to fight her battles. I'm sure eventually, she'll give you an earful – if she ever bothers to talk to you again."

"Then why are you here?" Alex said.

"Just to ask you what the hell you think you're doing in SVU?" Elliot said. "Our squad doesn't need you."

"Jack doesn't seem to think so," Alex said. "Besides, it wasn't my choice."

"Yeah, you like to play that card a lot," he said. "It wasn't your choice to go into Witsec the second time without saying goodbye. It wasn't your choice to not call for three years."

"Elliot, I don't owe you an explanation," Alex said.

"That's Detective Stabler to you, and you're right, you don't owe me an explanation," he said. "But I plan to make it my mission you never get a chance to give your flimsy explanation to my partner, either."

"You done?" she said.

Elliot didn't reply. He just gave her a disgusted look and left.

Alex angrily plopped down on the couch and picked up her cellphone to call Olivia. _Voicemail._

#

After a week, Alex had had enough. Enough of the disgusted looks from Olivia and Elliot. Enough of Olivia avoiding her at every cost and sending all of her calls to voicemail. Enough of being referred to only as Cabot or counselor (and not in the good way).

She waited until Saturday morning when she knew Olivia would be going on a morning run, assuming she still did that. She got up early, put on her jogging clothes and waited near the spot she knew Olivia always started. She knew it was borderline stalking, but she desperately wanted to talk to Olivia.

When Olivia got there, Alex immediately called out to her.

"Liv!" Olivia looked around to see where her name was coming from. It took her a few minutes, but then she saw Alex jogging over toward her.

"Counselor, I'm going for a jog now," Olivia said. "Unless we have a new case, I'll see you Monday." She didn't even wait on Alex to respond before she started jogging on her familiar route. Alex jogged along with her.

"Can you stop it with the counselor and Cabot, shit?" Alex said. "I just want to talk to you."

"You missed your chance about three years ago," Olivia said. She sped up, hoping to lose the blonde, but Alex kept pace.

"I'm sorry, you're right," Alex said. "I fucked up, but I meant what I said my first day back … it was a hard experience."

"Yeah, I know. In case you forgot, I was there," Olivia said. She looked around and decided to take a different trail in the park, something less flat. Maybe that would get rid of Alex.

"God dammit, Olivia!" Alex said. "I'm begging you." She was surprisingly keeping up with Olivia, despite the detective's best efforts to lose her. Olivia was surprised by how in shape Alex was.

"So talk," Olivia said.

"Like this?" Alex said. "While we're jogging?"

"It's the one and only chance I'm giving you," Olivia said. "Take it or leave it."

Alex was impressed out Olivia still wasn't even breathing heavy. The attorney was in better shape than she used to be, but she was starting to tire trying to keep up with Olivia.

"Fine," Alex said. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." She paused to breathe. "Look, when I got back, trying to come back to my old life … I just wasn't myself." She paused again. "Listen, I've spent years in therapy. I still go. Losing everything, losing you – twice – I didn't know who I was."

Olivia didn't say anything, but she stopped trying to outrun Alex at least and slowed down a little when she saw Alex was struggling.

"Please, all I want is a chance to talk to you," Alex said. "A chance to explain everything. Liv, I still wake up from nightmares of that night. I still can hear your voice, reassuring me. Telling me that you loved me."

Olivia clenched her jaw and sped up again. Now she wasn't interested in hearing what Alex was saying. Alex sped up with her.

"Liv, I know at one point, you loved me," Alex said. "I understand why you're angry. I understand why you don't want to talk to me. But please, remember that for just a moment and let's talk."

Olivia made another sharp turn to run through a rough patch. Alex followed, trying not to stumble in the dirt.

"You got engaged to someone one – a man at that!" Olivia finally yelled back when she realized she wasn't going to lose Alex. "How is Robert, by the way? Does he know you are literally chasing your ex-girlfriend at dawn on a Saturday morning. Did you leave him sleeping in the bed?"

"What? No, Robert and I broke up," Alex said. "We never even got married."

Olivia took a deep breath. The jogging, that had turned into running, was beginning to get to her.

"Fine," Olivia said. "Keep up with me and I'll give you long enough for coffee when we're done."

Alex let out a sigh of relief and then did her best to keep up with the detective – admiring how in shape she was still. She was definitely more toned that Alex remembered.

After 30 more minutes, Olivia finally stopped running and Alex was right behind her – about to fall over, but she had managed to keep up. When the stopped, Alex collapsed on a park bench and leaned over to put her head between her legs. She hadn't had a workout like that in a while. Neither had Olivia, if she was honest. She had hoped at some point she'd lose Alex.

Olivia saw how winded and red Alex was. She went over to a vendor and bought them two bottles of water.

"Here," Olivia said handing the bottle to Alex. "Drink this, but do it slowly. You need to hydrate."

Alex looked up and took the bottle, surprised Olivia was showing even a little bit of concern for her.

"If you want to go get that coffee so you can get home, we can," Alex said.

"No, you need to sit for a bit," Olivia said. "Drink."

Alex did as she was told, still trying to catch her breath.

"Alex, what were you thinking trying to keep up with me?" Olivia said. Alex was surprised at the use of her first name, the first time Olivia had used it since she arrived in SVU a week ago.

"I was thinking about how desperate I am to talk to you," Alex said. "And if running next to you like a mad woman was the only shot I had, I was going to take it."

Olivia sat down next to her, sipping her own water and catching her own breath. She waited with Alex until the blonde's breathing had returned to normal and her face was a little less flushed.

"Come on," Olivia said. "We'll go to my apartment and have that coffee."

"What?"

"I don't know if you've looked in a mirror, but let's just say I doubt you want to be in public looking like that," Olivia said. "And I'm sure I look just as bad."

"Um, thanks?" Alex said, chuckling slightly.

"I need a shower before I go anywhere," Olivia said. "I haven't sweated this hard in a long time."

"Oh, so this isn't your normal Saturday morning run?" Alex asked, looking annoyed.

"Nah, that was just for your benefit," Olivia said, smirking. "Come on, we'll get a cab."

#

Olivia quickly showered when they got back to her apartment, then offered for Alex to shower if she wanted. While Alex was in the shower, she laid out a T-shirt and pair of shorts. Alex's old Harvard T-shirt Olivia had stolen at some point.

She put on a pot of coffee and got out some left-over bagels from the day before while she waited on Alex, unsure if she even wanted to hear what the blonde had to say.

"You still have it," Alex said.

Olivia looked up and saw Alex walk into the living room wearing the clothes Olivia had laid out. Olivia knew she was talking about the T-shirt.

She nodded. "Yeah, I guess I do," Olivia said. "I suppose you can take it back if you want."

Alex sat down at the kitchen table and took the cup of coffee Olivia had poured for her when she heard the shower shut off.

"I guess I should have asked if you took your coffee the same," Olivia said. "If not, I'll get you another."

Out of old habit, Olivia had fixed Alex's coffee just the way she liked it – two spoons of sugar and a splash of cream. Alex smiled at the gesture.

"No, this is good," Alex said. "Though I've tried to cut back on the sugar, but today, I feel like I need to extra scoop." She slowly sipped her coffee, trying to formulate anything to say that Olivia would listen to.

"Liv…" Alex started, but Olivia cut her off.

"No, let me go first," Olivia said. "Alex, you hurt me. I don't like to acknowledge that, but you did, more than anyone has ever hurt me. When you left without saying goodbye, I convinced myself it was just too painful for you to say goodbye again not knowing how long it would be."

"It was," Alex said quietly.

"Then, when I head Velez was dead and you could come home, I waited on the call from you," Olivia said. "But you never called, even after I found out you came home. And still, even then, I wanted to make excuses for you. That you needed time to readjust to the city and being Alexandra Cabot again."

Alex sighed. Again, Olivia was right, at least at first. Alex wasn't sure she had entirely figured out who Alexandra Cabot was again, even still.

"But the engagement announcement? That was the hardest blow," Olivia said. "I mean, when you were dating the guy in Wisconsin, I understood it – you needed someone. But here, you had me and yet, you didn't call. You didn't seek me out to help you readjust, to figure out who Alex Cabot was. You ran off and got engaged to, what? The first guy you met when you got back just nine months later?"

"I never loved Robert," Alex said. "I don't know if that helps."

"At this point, I don't know if you ever loved me," Olivia said. "So, no, it doesn't help."

"Olivia, I did love you – I do love you," Alex said. "Or at least, I want to love you again."

Olivia looked away, letting her coffee go cold.

"Liv, please, you're right about a lot of that," Alex said. "I was lost and I should have known to call you, that you would be there, but I didn't even know my name half the time. For months, years, I'd go into a panic anytime I heard the name Alex or Alexandra, worried someone had found me to kill me. I was so afraid of my old life, so I tried to create a new one – the one I was expected to live."

Tears began to form in Alex's eyes and Olivia was struggling holding her own back, especially once she saw Alex about to cry.

"I don't know what to tell you," Olivia said.

"Tell me you love me," Alex said. "Tell me you're willing to give me another chance – even if it's just as friendship."

"I … I don't know if I can," Olivia said. "I can't ever feel that way again, Alex."

"Liv, if you tell me you don't love me anymore, I will walk out of here, demand to be transferred from SVU and you'll never hear from me again if that's what you want," Alex said. "So, tell me … is there part of you that still loves me?"

"I … I don't know," Olivia said. She didn't know. She didn't want to love Alex, but dammit, it was hard to ignore what Alex made her feel.

Alex leaned forward and gently kissed Olivia on the lips. Just a small, simple kiss. Olivia didn't react – for good or for bad – but Alex noticed she did close her eyes.

"You didn't say no, Liv," Alex said. "And you didn't push me away just now. That's all I need. I swear to you, Olivia Benson, I will earn your trust again."

With that, Alex got up and left, leaving Olivia sitting numb in her chair, tears finally falling down her face.

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	17. Grilled Cheese

_A/N: I'm going to put this out here now, so there is no worries - the worst of everything is over. That means, no Congo. Breathe easy. The rest of this (not sure how many chapters yet), are going to be them working their way back together. I'm going to move quickly, some time jumps for a bit, but we'll get there. It won't be all smooth, they still have some things to work through. But they'll get here. (Yes, Turmoil will happen, but don't fret it). The (happy) end is in sight._

 _Timeline: Season 11, Oct 2009 - about 6-7 months later_

 _Word Count: ~2,200 Rating: PG_

* * *

 **GRILLED CHEESE**

"Wonder who they'll send to replace Paxton?"

Their new ADA was just sent off to rehab after a disastrous trial where she showed up drunk. Alex had been sent to appeals and during the six-month period, Olivia had slowly allowed her back into part of her life – but cautiously.

"Cabot," Olivia said, casually. Alex and Elliot still hadn't made it. It was somewhat a bone of contention with Oliva and Elliot, so she made sure to only speak of Alex in a professional sense around Elliot.

Elliot rolled his eyes. "Hmph. You talking to her more?"

"No, Elliot," Olivia said. "No more or less than I have. We talk occasionally. But she texted me so we had a heads up this time before she showed up on a crime scene."

"How does she like appeals?" Elliot said. The question surprised Olivia.

"Do you actually care?" Olivia said.

Elliot shrugged. "Not really, but I'm trying."

"I don't think she enjoys it," Olivia said. "I haven't talked to her a lot. She seems … different."

Elliot raised his eyebrows. "How so?"

"I don't know," Olivia said. "Just more focused on work."

"She's always been focused on work," Elliot said. "You know that."

"No, it's just different," Olivia said. "A bit colder. I mean, not with me, but with some of her work."

"Well, I guess when you aren't doing what we do everyday, it's easy to forget the actual victims," Elliot said.

Olivia shrugged. "Can you please just try to get along with her?"

"Can you please not let her hurt you again?" Elliot said.

Olivia shook her head, annoyed he still held a grudge. "Bye, Elliot. I'll see you tomorrow." Of course, Olivia still held a grudge. She wasn't over it, by far, but she was trying to heal.

#

"Alex? What are you doing here?" Olivia opened the door to find what looked like a very intoxicated Alex Cabot standing there.

Alex's first case back, again, couldn't have gone worse. After a wife stabbed her pedophile husband during an undercover operation – that Alex wasn't onboard with to start – the crime scene turned into a battle when the ADA showed up and started yelling and calling it a "clown show" and insisted Olivia arrest the woman.

Olivia did her best to not have an all-out fight with Alex, but she was struggling with Alex's lack of compassion for the victim's mother. Eventually, she talked sense into Alex.

"We need to talk," Alex demanded and pushed through past Olivia into the apartment.

"Alex, I don't think you're in the state of mind to talk about anything right now," Olivia said.

"Why are you and Elliot being so mean to me?" Alex said, voice slightly slurring.

Olivia laughed.

"Why are you laughing? I'm serious," Alex whined.

"Did you seriously asked why we were being mean to you?" Olivia said, grinning at the blonde. "Badass ADA Alexandra Cabot wants to know why her detectives are being mean?"

"Stop it, Liv," Alex said. "You and Elliot have always pushed me around. And now, I'm trying to do my job the way I'm supposed to and all I get is you all yelling at me in the middle of a crime scene."

"To be fair, you're the one who showed up yelling," Olivia said, not laughing anymore.

"Because you promised you wouldn't fuck up that undercover operation and someone still got stabbed," Alex said. "Then, rather than trying to talk to me, you yell at me. And it's not just this case, Liv. You and Elliot have both been cold to me. Even before I left a few months ago."

"Well, I think you know why," Olivia said flatly.

"We're never going to get past this, are we?" Alex said. "God, Liv, I will do anything." She was whining and clearly even more drunk that Olivia originally thought.

"I told you, Alex, I don't know," Olivia said. "But I still need time. You were gone for years and have only been back a few months. What do you want from me?"

"I want you to love me, Liv," Alex said. She took a step closer to Olivia, but the detective saw exactly what she was trying to do.

"No, Alex," Olivia said. "You don't get to show up here drunk, make me feel bad, and then try to kiss me."

"But you like my kisses," Alex said, smirking at Olivia.

"How much have you had to drink?" Olivia asked.

"I don't know, but I don't have to work tomorrow," Alex said. "Don't worry, I'm not Sonya Paxton."

"I didn't think you were," Olivia said. "How did you get here? And where were you to get so drunk?"

"At a bar…where most people go to get drunk," Alex said. "And I took a cab here."

"How much did you have to drink and how long ago?" Olivia asked. She was trying to figure out what she needed to do with Alex. She'd seen her drunk a few times. Usually Alex was a happy drunk unless …

"I don't know … a few shots of tequila," Alex said. "And I came straight here."

… unless she was drinking tequila.

"Fuck," Olivia said. This was only going to get worse. "One shot? Three shots? Ten shots?"

"Not ten shots," Alex said. "I don't know. Here's my receipt." She handed the credit card receipt to Olivia.

"Jesus, Alex," Olivia said. "Six shots? Did you eat anything?"

Alex shook her head. "Not since breakfast."

Olivia tilted her head back. "Go sit down," she said. "You need some coffee."

"The last time I had coffee here you let me kiss you," Alex said, smirking.

"Good memory," Olivia muttered. "And that won't be happening tonight."

"We'll see," Alex whispered to herself.

Olivia returned a couple minutes later with a bottle of water. "Drink this while I make coffee. Will you eat something? A grilled cheese maybe?"

"What kind of cheese?" Alex asked.

"Um, regular cheese," Olivia said. "American cheese I guess."

"Oh. Ok," Alex said grimmacing. Olivia went back to the kitchen and Alex followed her, sitting at the table. "Wisconsin had all kinds of cheese."

"Oh, right," Olivia said. "Yeah, they are the cheese state."

"I used to have this smoked jack, no smoked pepper jack sandwich on sourdough bread," Alex said. "It was the only thing I liked there. I haven't found one here yet."

"Even better than your boyfriend?" Olivia said, and grinned at Alex so she knew she was teasing her. She was having a hard time being terrible mad at drunk Alex at the moment.

Alex rolled her eyes. "Oh my god, Liv, really?" she said. "He was sooooo boring, especially in the bedroom. Nothing like you."

"Ok, that's enough," Olivia warned, not wanting the conversation to go there.

"Fine," Alex said. Oliva handed her a cup of coffee once it was done and went back to making Alex a plan grilled cheese – not some fancy Wisconsin grilled cheese. "What about you?"

"What about what?" Oliva asked, not following Alex.

"When I was gone, in WitSec, did you date?" Alex said. "I mean, you had to have … needs."

"Alex," Olivia warned again.

"Come on, Livvvv," Alex said. "I'm just trying to be a friend and get caught up on your life. Besides, I won't remember much of this tomorrow."

"Fine. Yes," Olivia said. Alex just looked at her waiting on details.

"And?"

"I dated a little, both before Connors and after," Olivia said. "Nothing serious, though."

"Men or women?"

"Both," Olivia said.

"Better than me?" Alex asked. Olivia gave her a look that said she was crossing a line. "Okay, fine. Do you remember that night I came back – before Connor's trial?"

 _Do I remember? God, I can't help but remember it every time I look at you._ Olivia took a deep breath. "Yeah," she said quietly. "Of course."

"That was my best memory," Alex said. "I never wanted that night to end."

Olivia smiled. "It was a good night," she said quietly. She slid Alex's plate to her. "Eat up then I'll get you ready for bed."

Alex raised her eyebrows at the word bed. Olivia shook her head. "You're incorrigible."

#

Olivia kept tossing and turning on the couch. It was a few hours later and Olivia had successfully put Alex to bed – not trusting the blonde to find her way home. Alex wanted Olivia to share the bed with her, but the detective thought that wasn't a good idea. Of course, she had also forgotten how uncomfortable her couch was for sleeping more than a nap.

She fluffed her pillow again, then heard a noise in the bathroom. _Shit._ Olivia recognized that sound. Alex was throwing up. Olivia had expected it earlier. She knew Alex always got sick off tequila, but thought she had dodged a bullet since it had been a few hours.

She'd left some water and pills on the nightstand, but decided she better check on her in case she missed the toilet. When she went in the bathroom, she saw Alex struggling and still feeling the need to throw up.

She gave Alex a soft smile and kneeled down beside her, grabbing a wet wash cloth.

"Here," Olivia said, putting the rag on Alex's head. She also took Alex's hair in her hand and pulled it back out of her face. Within seconds, Alex started throwing up again…and again.

When she was done, Alex handed her some water to wash her mouth out, then dug out a new toothbrush she had gotten from the dentist so Alex could brush her teeth.

"Thank you, Liv," Alex said when she came back to the bedroom after cleaning herself up. "I'm sorry for … well, just showing up and everything."

"It's okay, Alex," Olivia said. "I'm glad you weren't alone like this, so I'm happy I could be here."

"Come on, let's get you back into bed," Olivia said.

"You should take the bed," Alex said. "I can sleep on the couch."

Olivia grimaced. "No, it's not … comfortable."

"Then why are you sleeping there?" Alex said.

"Because … Alex," Olivia said. "You know why."

"Look, you can sleep in the bed with me," Alex said. "I promise to behave, even if I wasn't earlier. Besides, I'm still drunk and I know you well enough to know you'd never let anything happen if there was a remote chance you'd feel you were taking advantage of me."

Olivia thought about it for a moment and sighed. Alex's reasoning made sense, and Olivia actually believed Alex when she promised to behave. She nodded, agreeing, and climbed into bed next to Alex.

#

"Oh, my head." Alex groaned when she woke up the next morning, trying to figure out where she was. Then when she looked down and saw an arm wrapped across her stomach and long brunette hair, she furrowed her brow. _Olivia. Shit. What did I do last night?_

Hearing Alex's groans, Olivia woke up, realizing she had her arm around Alex and nuzzled against her. She quickly pulled her arm away. "Sorry," she mumbled and moved back to her side of the bed.

"What happened last night?" Alex said. "Everything is a blur."

"You showed up here pretty drunk," Olivia said. "You said me and Elliot were being mean to you." She laughed again remembering Alex's words.

"Ugh, really?" Alex said. Olivia nodded, smiling. "Did we … I mean … um, we're in bed together."

Olivia shook her head. She may have subconsciously put her arm around Alex during the night, but she knew nothing had happened between them. "No, you promised to behave and you did."

"Yet, your arm was around me this morning," Alex said, grinning.

"Old habits, I guess," Olivia said quietly, slightly embarrassed. "Do you remember anything?"

"I remember the bar … and I remember throwing up," Alex said. "You took care of me."

"I didn't want you to make a mess in my bathroom," Olivia said.

"Uh huh," Alex said. "Well, thank you. For everything, Liv."

"Hey … what are you doing today?" Olivia asked suddenly.

"Um, I have no idea," Alex said. "If it's Saturday, then I don't think I have plans, other than some work. Why?"

"I was thinking, maybe we could spend some time together today," Olivia said. "I mean, it's getting pretty late in the morning. How about lunch?"

"Really?" Alex said.

"If nothing else, if you're going to be around SVU for a while, we all need to figure out how to work together better," Olivia said. "If you and I can do that, then Elliot will come around."

"Okay, what did you have in mind?" Alex said.

"I thought we could go on a search for some fancy grilled cheese sandwich with pepper jack cheese and sourdough bread," Olivia said, laughing.

"Wait, did I tell you about –-,"

"Yes," Olivia said. "I just had regular ol' cheese for you last night."

Alex laughed. "That sounds perfect," she said. "And by the way, it's smoked pepper jack cheese."

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	18. Taking Chances

_A/N: Few months later. Still in S11. Someone asked if I was just gonna write up until Alex "left" in the series. No, at this point, other than bringing in some elements from an episode or two, we're off script. This fic is beginning to wind down._

 _Word Count: ~2,700 Rating: PG_

* * *

 **TAKING CHANCES**

"You're getting out of here early."

Olivia nodded to Elliot as she packed up her bag and put her files away.

"Plans?" he asked.

"Actually, I have a date," she said. She smiled slightly when she said it.

"Oh? Anyone I know?" Elliot asked.

Olivia smiled again and shook her head. "This is date number 3. If it goes well, I'll give you some details next week."

"Should I call you tonight?" Elliot smirked. "You know, to make sure you make it home safely?"

"Call me and I'll shoot you," she said, flipping her hair as she smirked and picked up her bag. "Seriously."

Elliot chuckled and shook his head. He knew Olivia had been on a couple dates in the past couple of weeks. He had also noticed things seemed better between Olivia and Alex, but he wasn't sure yet if the ADA was the "date" in question – and he wasn't sure how he felt if it was.

#

"Oh my God, this salmon is to die for," Alex said, taking a bite off her plate and then a sip of wine. "I can't believe we managed to get reservations here."

"It's helps to know people," her dinner partner chimed in. "Besides, we look good tonight. I'm pretty sure if we'd just showed up, they'd have let us in."

Alex let out a hearty laugh. "It just feels good to not be at work. I've been buried lately."

"I understand that feeling. To not working this weekend."

Alex raised her glass to meet the other one. "To no work this weekend," she said. "So, what kind of trouble are we going to get into after we leave here?" She gave a mischievous grin across the glass of wine.

"Hopefully some hot sex."

Alex laughed. "Casey!"

"What? You think I get dressed up like this for nothing?" Casey said. "I expect we'll hit up a bar after this and I'll find some handsome gentleman, maybe an investment banker or something – I don't care as long as he's good in bed."

Alex shook her head.

"Oh come on? How long as it been for you?" Casey said. "Your schedule is probably worse than mine right now."

"Touché," Alex said. "But, I doubt I'll be having any hot sex tonight, all the same."

"You could if you weren't still hung up on Olivia Benson," Casey said.

Alex glared at her over her glasses. "I'll ignore that jab and just say thank you for convincing me to come out tonight. I needed a girls' night out more than I knew."

"So, not to dampen the mood, but … any progress there?" Casey asked, quieter now.

Casey learned about Olivia and Alex when Alex was "dead." She wasn't surprised based on everything she had seen/knew. She just happened to get it out of Olivia after seeing a picture of the two of them looking very friendly in Olivia's apartment. Even if Olivia hadn't told her, she would have figured it out by the look on Olivia's face when Alex showed up in her office … or when Alex didn't show up to say goodbye.

When Alex returned to the DA's office, she and Casey had become friends and Casey eventually let on she knew about the clandestine former relationship.

"We're … in a good place, at least as friends," Alex said. "I will take what I can get."

"I never expected to see Alex Cabot so passive about something she wanted," Casey said.

Alex shrugged. "I've made my wishes clear," she said. "I have to earn her trust and accept that we may never … be us again."

"Hmm," Casey said.

"Besides, I think she's seeing someone," Alex said slowly.

"Liv? Dating?" Casey said. "Now that's funny. Did she tell you?"

"She hasn't say anything directly, but I walked in on her on the phone the other day in the squad room," Alex said. "It was clear it was … personal. Then, she had some plans last weekend. I don't know, just a feeling."

"Any idea who it is?" Casey asked.

Alex shook her head and took another drink of her wine.

"Anyway, you ready?" Casey said.

"Yeah, just let me go to the restroom," Alex said. She took some cash out of her purse and put it down for her portion of the bill. "I'll meet you at the coat check?"

Casey nodded as Alex got up and went to the ladies' room. She paid the bill and went to retrieve her and Alex's coats.

"Casey?"

Casey's eyes widened as she recognized the voice. She turned around and saw Olivia standing there – form fitting short black dress, no less.

"Olivia, wow, you look great," Casey said. "Good to see you."

"You, too. And you look nice yourself, counselor," Olivia said. She turned to the woman who walked in the door that was standing just behind her. "Oh, this is Sophia."

"Casey Novak," she said, sticking out her hand to shake his.

"Pleasure," he said. "Sophia Patterson."

 _Wow. She was tall. And young. And beautiful. And definitely not a cop or lawyer,_ Casey thought.

"Sophia is a pediatrician. And Casey is an attorney for the DA's office. We used to work together," Olivia explained.

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Sophia," Casey said. "I won't keep you two."

"Who are you here with?" Olivia said. "I mean, it's hard enough to get reservations here. You on a date?"

"No. More of a girls' night out," Casey said, looking around nervously, hoping they found their seats before Alex came back. "But if I play my cards right, maybe I'll have one tomorrow."

Olivia laughed.

"Again, I don't want to keep you two," Casey said. "Liv, it's good to see you. Give me a call sometime."

Olivia nodded and gave Casey a hug. Casey thought she was home free, until she caught a glance of Alex's blue dress walking toward her. _Fuck_.

"Did you get our coats, Casey?" Alex said as she walked up, stopping suddenly in her tracks when she saw Olivia – in a sexy black dress Alex had certainly never seen. Her mouth dropped open. "Liv."

Olivia gave an awkward smile to Alex. Now she knew why Casey was hurrying them. It wasn't because she was on a secret date – it's because she didn't want this awkward encounter. "Alex, nice to see you."

Alex had a hard time hiding her surprise and quickly looked over to the woman with Olivia. She stuck out her hand. "Alexandra Cabot."

"Sophia Patterson," she said. "Do you also work with Olivia?"

"Yes, I'm the ADA for SVU currently," Alex said.

"You all have as many acronyms that I do. SVU. ADA. DD5. 1-6. 1PP," Sophia said, laughing.

"Sophia is a doctor at the children's hospital," Olivia explained.

"Oh, how nice," Alex said, trying her best to hide her sarcasm. She wasn't sure if she was more annoyed by how beautiful the woman was. The fact that she was a doctor. Or that she and Olivia talked enough to know internal lingo like DD5, the 1-6, and 1PP. _Could this actually be serious?_

Olivia shot Alex a glance. She knew that tone, even if no one else could pick up on it.

"We don't want to keep you," Olivia said. "I'm sure Casey is ready to get on the prowl."

"Not you, Alexandra?" Sophia asked, innocently enough.

"Oh, who knows?" Alex said. "Maybe I will be." Her eyes never left Olivia.

#

Olivia tried her best to enjoy her dinner and her date without thinking about the look on Alex's face. It's not like Olivia was doing anything wrong. Sure, he hadn't told Alex about Sophia, but she didn't feel like she needed to – at least until she knew it this was something that would last beyond a handful of dates.

No, she wasn't going to let Alex get in the way of enjoying her night with Sophia. Her feelings for Alex may still be a little cloudy, but she deserved to see for herself what it looked like to move on – once and for all.

"Your co-workers seem nice," Sophia said. "Are you friends?"

"Yeah, you could say that," Olivia said. "It's always challenging being friends or whatever with someone you work so closely with, though."

"Don't I know it," Sophia said. "But then again, it seems like everyone in my profession only is friends with or dates people we work with. Is it the same with you?"

"Oh, you have no idea," Olivia said, laughing while she sipped her wine.

"The blonde was very stunning. I mean, they both were, but … Alexandra was it?" Sophia said. "She looks like she would be just your type."

Olivia almost choked on her wine. "Alex," Olivia said. "And how do you know my type? I mean, you could be my type and you look nothing alike."

"Oh, come on, Liv," Sophia said. "How long have we known each other professionally? I have seen you checking out the cute blonde nurses on more than one occasion. It's why I never thought I'd have a chance with you."

They had known each other for a few years. Sophia worked at the hospital and often examined child victims … up until a few months ago, when she moved to the children's hospital. It was that move that gave her the courage even to ask Olivia out – now that they didn't have a professional relationship.

Olivia shook her head and smirked. "Well, I'm glad you did," she said. She tilted her glass out between them for a toast. "To taking chances."

"To taking chances."

#

"Well, that was just awkward," Casey said to Alex as they entered a nearby bar. They hadn't spoken the entire walk there.

"Oh, I'm sure you were enjoying yourself," Alex groaned.

"Actually, Alex, I wasn't," Casey said. "I was trying to get away from them before you came out. Come on, you need a drink. But no, tequila. I know about you and tequila."

Alex found a laugh somewhere and gave Casey a smile. She did need a drink and after her last experience with tequila, she definitely didn't want any more of that.

"She's beautiful," Alex said. She decided to stick with wine since they had some earlier.

"Sophia or Olivia?" Casey asked.

Alex tilted her and rolled her eyes at Casey. "Sophia. I mean, obviously Olivia, too, but you know what I mean. God, does she have to be so perfect?"

"And also very busy, maybe even more busy than us," Casey said. "Listen, don't fret it – at least tonight. It's just a date and you know terrible Olivia is at dating."

Alex sighed and rolled her eyes.

"So, tonight, just think about what you need," Casey said. "Even if it's just for tonight, like maybe that red-head across the bar who has been staring at you. Come on, take a chance."

Alex glanced down the bar at the woman who smiled and lifted her glass to Alex. While she wasn't paying attention, Casey asked the bartender to send another drink down to the woman from Alex.

"Your friend will be joining you soon," Casey whispered in Alex's ear. "So, while you get acquainted, I'm going across the bar to get acquainted with that cowboy-looking guy."

"What?" Alex looked up, suddenly realizing what was going on. It was too late. The woman had already brought her drink and was sitting next to Alex and Casey was half way across the bar.

Alex took a deep breath and a drink of her wine. _To taking chances._

#

"Just black coffee," Alex said, ordering her coffee the following morning. She didn't normally have black coffee, but this also wasn't her normal coffee shop in her normal neighborhood. She didn't quite trust them to make it how she wanted it. Also, she had a terrible hangover. Not a tequila hangover, but hangover all the same.

When she turned around, she nearly spilled her cup on the woman behind her when she saw Olivia and Sophia walking in – looking very friendly. In fact, they were even holding hands – a public display of affection Olivia typically avoided. But it was early, and it was unlikely there was anyone in this neighborhood Olivia would know. Sophia must live near here – which means, Olivia must have spent the night.

"Alexandra! Nice to run into you again," Sophia said when she saw Alex. Olivia on the other hand had to contain her mouth being open. Alex lifted her dark sunglasses that was hiding her bags and greeted the two of them.

"Likewise," she said quietly.

"Do you live in the area?" Sophia said. "I love this shop. They have the best muffins. Cheddar bacon is my favorite, even though, as a doctor, I try to limit myself."

Alex opened her mouth to answer – something along the lines of trying a new place. She did not live in the neighborhood.

"Alex," a woman called out behind them right after the bell on the door rang. "You forgot … um something." The red-headed woman handed Alex a bag, glancing at Olivia and Sophia and not wanting to embarrass her.

It was then that Olivia realized the clothes Alex was wearing didn't look like anything she would own. A tie-dye t-shirt to go with baggy sweatpants? No, those were not Alex Cabot's clothes.

"Thank you," Alex said. "Um, this is my friend Olivia and her friend Sophia. And this is –"

"Kimberly," the woman said, saving Alex the embarrassment of potentially getting her name wrong. "A new friend of Alex's." She winked at Alex and Olivia thought for a moment she may vomit.

"Ah, so I see you did end up going out last night," Sophia said, smiling at Alex.

"Yeah, I did," Alex said. "Anyway, I'd love to catch up, but I have some work I need to get done. Olivia, Sophia, nice to see you again. Kimberly, I'll call you." Alex spoke and looked extremely awkward.

"I look forward to it," Kimberly smirked.

Alex glanced at Olivia, who still hadn't managed to say a word, then said goodbye again and left.

#

Despite the awkwardness of the weekend, Olivia was cheerful Monday morning. She spent the night with Sophia Friday night and much of the day Saturday – something that was rare for Sophia to have, so they took advantage of it.

Olivia liked Sophia. When they were intimate Friday night – their first time – it felt comfortable and familiar. She felt safe with her, the way Alex always made her feel. It was very unlike some of the other experiences she had had over the past several years.

She had a big smile on her face that got even bigger when she saw what was on her desk – a dozen red roses.

She smirked and sat down, not looking at the card.

"I take it from your grin and these roses your date went well," Elliot said, staring at her across their desks.

She pressed her lips together to hide her smile and just nodded yes.

"That good, huh?" Elliot said.

"Yeah, I had a good weekend," she said.

"Good for you," he said. He then sat quietly for a moment, expecting her to look at the card. "You gonna read the card?"

"Well, I mean, I know who they are from," she said. "You just want to be nosey and know what it says."

"Maybe," he said.

She rolled her eyes and smiled. Even Elliot being annoying and nosey couldn't get her down today. "Fine," she said. She reached up and grabbed the card that went with the roses.

Elliot watched her as she read it, a strange looking appearing on her face.

"What is it, Liv?" Elliot asked.

Olivia shook her head, card still firmly in her hand. "Oh, nothing," she said. "Just … you know, generic flower shop card."

"Hmm," Elliot said, not sure he believed her.

Olivia looked down and read the card again:

 _Liv, I love you. I'll never stop loving you. And no matter how long I have to wait – and how many dates I have to see you on – I will earn your love again. – A_

* * *

 _A/N 2: To be clear here - Casey is not gay in this fic, so no competition there; Also, I'm not setting up a love triangle or anything like that. Just need a little jealousy to get Alex going._

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	19. Get Away

_A/N: Some notes below ... hopefully you enjoy this chapter (I think you will). It ends with a bit of a cliff hanger (which I'll address tonight)._

 _Word Count: ~2,00 Rating: PG_

* * *

 **GET AWAY**

 _Friday night._

"It this thing with the doctor serious?"

Olivia sat back in her chair, tightened her shoulders and looked up, taking a breath. She wasn't sure how to respond to Elliot.

"It's … progressing, but slowly," Olivia said. Things were progressing with Sophia, but their schedules made it hard, especially Sophia's, who was one of the of the top pediatrician's in in the state, if not nation. If it wasn't a long-hours or an emergency surgery, she was jetting off to speak at some conference.

Elliot nodded. "But you get to go away this weekend?"

"Yes," Olivia said. "Barring any emergencies. But she was promised it was a real weekend off."

"Must be hard to be with someone with an even crazier schedule than we have," Elliot said.

"Well, I understand it, so …" Olivia said.

"Sure, but at some point, you're going to want to settle down, right?" Elliot said. "Is that something she plans on doing at some point. Settling down? Having kids?"

"Elliot, it's just been a few months, you're getting way ahead of where we are," Olivia said.

"Okay, but I'm just saying … if your future goals aren't compatible, why keep investing time in it?" he said.

"I thought you liked her," Olivia said.

"Oh, I very much do," Elliot said. "Maybe the best of anyone you've dated."

"The best?"

"Liv, you haven't given me much to work with, and well, you know I have mixed feelings about Alex," Elliot said.

Olivia sighed. She also had mixed feelings about Alex. The woman was doing her best to woo the detective. Flowers. Coffee. Encouraging texts. She was persistent, Olivia had to give her that. And she hadn't tired of it since the day Olivia found the roses on her desk.

"Anyway, I have to get going," Olivia said. "If I'm late picking Sophia up, they may rope her into something else and she'll be stuck."

"Okay, get going," Elliot said. "Enjoy time away with the Doc. Where are you going, by the way?"

"A little bed and breakfast just outside the city – Farrell's," Olivia said.

"Farrell's?" Elliot said. "Isn't that where –?" Olivia was gone before he could finish his question. Off to pick up the Sophia for their first real weekend away.

#

 _Saturday morning._

"Liv, I'm so sorry."

Olivia sat on the bed while Sophia was packing up her bag. There had been a school bus accident in a nearby county – students on a field trip and several of them were in bad shape.

"Are you sure you don't want me to drive you?" Olivia said. Her tone was solemn.

"No," Sophia said. "I already called for a cab, and we have this gorgeous place all weekend. There is no since in ruining your weekend because of me."

"A little too late for that," Olivia pouted.

Sophia stopped. "Liv…"

"No, I really do understand. It's just … I like you, a lot. And this is hard," Olivia said.

Sophia sat down next to her. "And I like you, too, but my job …"

"I know," Olivia said. "This isn't going to change, is it?"

Sophia shook her head. "Probably not for the foreseeable future. But Liv, you've been so understanding and amazing with me."

"I understand how important our jobs are," Olivia said. "It's hard to be mad."

"So you're not mad?" Sophia said.

"I'm just disappointed," Olivia said.

"Last night, when we were having dinner and you asked about the future…"

"I wasn't trying to pressure you, I was just asking in general," Olivia said, feeling the need to explain.

"No, I know that," Sophia said. "But I also know what you were doing, what I was doing, was trying to find out if our futures are compatible. I mean, I think it's normal to think about that, especially given the hard work we have to put into even spending time together."

Olivia sat quietly.

"You want a family," Sophia said. "Kids."

"I do," she said.

"And I do, too," Sophia said. "But … I don't know when. I guess part of me thinks saving children for other parents is maybe more important than starting my own family. As much as I may want that."

Olivia nodded again, holding back the tears forming.

Sophia leaned over and kissed Olivia on the cheek. "You are an amazing woman, Olivia Benson, and one day there will be someone great enough to deserve your love. You'll find her. She's out there and maybe you've already met her."

Olivia cocked her head at Sophia's curious statement. The doctor just smiled and squeezed Olivia's hand. She let go, pick up her bag, and headed downstairs to wait for her cab.

They had just broken up without even saying it and Olivia didn't know whether she was sad or relieved.

#

 _Saturday evening_.

Olivia sat in her car on the side of the country road. She was in the middle of nowhere, having left the bed and breakfast for home when her car just died and wouldn't start back up. She knew she should have just stayed all weekend like Sophia had said, but it seemed weird to be there all by herself.

She called for a tow truck, but they couldn't fix her car until Monday they said. _Small towns._ Also, they wouldn't be able to make it out to her for hours. They only had one driver that night and he was otherwise busy. They instructed her to push the car as far off the road into the field as she could, leave the keys in it and they'd take care of it. Nevermind the fact that now she was stranded, too.

Olivia debated who to call. She didn't want to go back to the B&B. She figured she'd come pick her car up Monday or Tuesday. She couldn't call Sophia. She didn't even know where she was and she didn't have a vehicle either. She could call Elliot, but she was also pretty sure they had a birthday party going on this weekend for a cousin. Fin and Munch were working. She didn't want to call Cragen. Finally, she dialed a familiar number.

#

About an hour later, she saw the car lights from Alex Cabot's SUV coming at her. Alex turned around in the road and pulled in behind Olivia. It was late and Olivia knew it had been a huge inconvenience for Alex to come all the way out there.

"You know, a friend of mine always said I shouldn't pick up hitchhikers on the side of the road," Alex said, smirking with her arms crossed.

"Haha," Olivia said. "Laugh on you want. I'm just glad I could find someone willing to pick me up." She went around to the truck to pick up her overnight bag and put in Alex's SUV.

"What were you doing out here this late anyway?" Alex said.

"Coming home," Olivia said. "Or, I was trying."

"All alone?" Alex asked.

"I … um …" Olivia tried to come up with something to say to not hurt Alex. She can't believe she hadn't thought of it before this moment.

"Wait – where were you?"

Olivia was quiet, still looking for words.

"Oh," Alex said. "Farrell's." She took a deep breath realizing why Olivia was traveling this country road. It was one they had travelled once when they were together, having spent an amazing weekend together.

"Alex, I…"

"No, you don't need to explain, Liv," Alex said. "I know you're seeing someone else. It's not my place to get upset."

Olivia stayed quiet, nodding and shut the door to Alex's vehicle as she got inside.

"Where is the doctor anyway?" Alex asked, trying to remain cool.

"Bus crash."

"Oh, I heard about that," Alex said. "I'm … I'm sorry it messed up your weekend away."

Olivia rolled her eyes. She doubted Alex was very sorry. "It's fine."

"So, do you take all your dates to Farrell's?" Alex asked, once they were back out on the road.

"Alex, stop," Olivia said.

"What? I'm just asking," Alex said. "I mean, you took me there. I thought maybe it was our special place or something, but whatever."

"I shouldn't have called you," Olivia said.

"Then why did you?" Alex said. "So you could rub into me that you were spending a weekend away with your fabulous doctor girlfriend?"

"I called you because I knew you would come," Olivia said, raising her voice. "I called because I knew I could count on you."

Alex clenched her jaw. Now was her turn to remain silent.

"And I didn't pick Farrell's – Sophia did," Olivia said. "What was I supposed to say? 'Oh, I can't go there with you, Sophia, because I spent an amazing fucking weekend there with my ex-girlfriend Alex, who you didn't even know we dated?' I mean, how would that have went over?"

Alex took a deep breath and tilted her head back.

"And by the way, Sophia is not my girlfriend," Olivia said. "We broke up."

"You what?" Alex said, snapping her neck over to the detective. "Because she left or…?"

"No. Well, I mean, because we don't have time for each other," Olivia said. "And because we want different things from life."

"I'm sorry," Alex whispered.

"Yeah, right," Olivia said.

"I am," Alex snapped. "And maybe instead of getting attitude with me, you can just be grateful I drove all the way out here to pick your stranded ass up."

"I'm sorry," Olivia said. "You're right. And thank you, Alex."

Alex glanced over for a second, and when she looked back, she saw a cop car up ahead of them, and several flashing lights beyond it.

"What's going on officer?" Alex asked when she rolled down the window and the cop walked up.

"I'm afraid if you're headed this way, you're going to be stranded for a while," he said. "Fatality accident up ahead and it's going to take some time to get enough tow trucks and emergency crews out here to clear it out."

"Oh," Alex said.

"Your best bet, if you have a place to stay, is to go there," he said. "Both lanes are going to be blocked for the foreseeable future tonight."

"And there is no other way into the city?" Alex said.

" 'Fraid not, ma'am," He said. "There's a nice bed and breakfast back up the road that may still have some room. Worst ways to spend an evening."

"Yeah, we know it," Alex said, glancing at Olivia. "Okay, thanks."

#

"They hopefully still have my room available," Olivia said.

"Hopefully they'll have another spare room for me," Alex said. She wasn't going to press her luck by asking to stay with Olivia, and Olivia didn't offer.

"Ok," Olivia said. "I'll take care of your room too since I'm the reason you're stuck here."

The bed and breakfast did still have Olivia's room available. She explained to them the car trouble, Sophia having to leave, and that her friend who came to pick her up needed a room, as well.

"Well, we actually just cleaned your room," the lady said. "Not that it needed it much. You two ladies kept it tidy. But anyway, you'll have fresh sheets and towels."

"Thank you," Olivia said.

"As for your friend here," the lady continued. "I'm afraid I just booked up my last two rooms due to the accident. You're lucky I still had yours available. Perhaps the two of you could share? If not, there's another inn up the road. I can call to see if they have anything and will hold a room."

"That's not necessary," Olivia said. "We can share a room, right, Alex?"

* * *

 _A/N: Yes, there will be a part 2 to this...I'll pick directly up._

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	20. Goodnight

_A/N: Have a little patience with them ... they're not young and immature anymore._

 _(Also, I know I said I *was* going to write Turmoil, but I've changed my mind/direction - and this is really winding down now)_

* * *

 **GOODNIGHT**

 _"That's not necessary," Olivia said. "We can share a room, right, Alex?"_

"Oh, um, yeah, I guess that will be okay," Alex said, stumbling. Part of Alex was excited at the thought of sharing a room – and a bed – with Olivia, but she was also trying to do things the right way if they ever were going to get back together.

"I can see if we have any roll-away left, if you'd like," the woman offered. "I know our beds are on the small side."

Olivia looked to Alex to make that decision.

"Um, sure, if you have one," Alex said. Olivia was secretly relieved.

The innkeeper, Lois, went to the back room calling out to her husband to check. She returned a few minutes later and her face told them she didn't have good news.

"I'm afraid we also have used the couple we had on standby," she said. "Both rooms we booked because of the wreck were families with kids. I can still call the inn up the way if you want."

"No, we'll be fine," Alex finally said. "I appreciate you checking."

"You've had quite a weekend, Ms. Benson," Lois said. "What with Dr. Patterson leaving and then getting stuck here. At least you have a good enough friend here with you willing to drive all the way up here to get you."

Olivia smiled and glanced at Alex. "Yeah, I am lucky to have Alex."

"You missed dinner, but I can have Harold send some leftovers up," Lois said. "I'm sure the two of you are hungry."

#

Olivia and Alex went up to the room, the brunette sitting her bag in the corner and sitting on the bed – the same place she sat earlier when she and Sophia were breaking up.

"I should ask them for some water or something," Olivia said. She was nervous and it was apparent. "I'll run downstairs and be back in a few." She wasn't sure if it was Alex's presence or what had happened with Sophia – or both.

"Ok," Alex said as Olivia opened the door. "Do you happen to have anything I can sleep in besides these jeans?"

"Maybe," Olivia said, hurrying to get out the door. "You're welcome to anything in the bag." She quickly shut the door and headed off down the stairs, barely aware of what she had just said. She was just happy to be out of that room.

Alex picked up Olivia's bag and sat it on the bed, opening it up. She began to rustle though looking for some short and t-shirt or something to sleep in. She found something, but not before picking up two nighties of Olivia's – one black, one red.

Alex shivered and tossed them back in the bag, then went to wash her hands.

Olivia returned with a pitcher of water and sat it on a small table. She poured both of them a glass.

"You find something to wear?" she asked Alex.

"Oh, I found something all right," Alex said, rolling her eyes. Olivia gave her a confused look then walked over to the bag – where she saw the items that had been the ire of Alex.

"Oh," she said. "I didn't … I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."

"It's whatever, Liv," Alex said. She picked up her water and grabbed a seat in the chair by the window, turning to look out.

They sat in silence for the next bit until their late dinner had arrived. Leftover meatloaf and mashed potatoes, served with a remaining half-bottle of red wine.

"Can I sit?" Olivia cautiously asked Alex, who was sitting at the small dining table.

Alex just nodded and scooted things around and off the table to make room for Olivia's plate.

"I'm sorry," Olivia said.

"It's not your fault," Alex said.

"I mean, I'm sorry you're stuck here with me … in this situation," Olivia said. "And … I really appreciate you coming to pick me up."

"You're welcome, but Liv, why did you call me?" Alex said. "I mean, of all people, why me?"

"I … I don't know," Olivia said. "I knew you would come and it wouldn't be an ordeal."

"Wouldn't be an ordeal?" Alex smirked.

"Well, I guess this is kind of an ordeal, huh?" Olivia said. "I don't know, Alex, things are just easier with you."

Alex shook her head and took a drink of wine. "You know, some day, I may not be here," Alex said.

Olivia scoffed. "Yeah, I've been there."

"Always with me leaving, Liv?" Alex said. "Can't you come up with some new reason to hate me? I mean, I've busted my ass since I've been back to show you how much I care about you – how much I love you. And I've been willing to accept that maybe, just maybe, that meant we'd only ever be friends. But I haven't stopped trying because I never want to be able to say that I gave up – I did that once. I won't make that mistake again. But, you…you've moved on, but keep me hanging on just enough that I think there is a chance. I feel like your toy that you only play with when you need me."

"Alex … I …. I had no idea I made you feel that way," Olivia said, stunned. "Do I really make you feel like I don't care about you?"

"I know you care about me, Liv, that's the worst part of it," she said. "It's watching you pretend like you don't that gets to me."

"I'm sorry, Alex," Olivia said. "I really am. I wasn't intentionally doing that."

"I know," Alex said. "And, for what it's worth, I'm sorry, too."

"For what?" Olivia said.

"For leaving you – twice," Alex said.

"You didn't have a choice," Olivia said.

"You're right, I didn't," Alex said. "But, I should have said goodbye. I could have said goodbye, but I was too chicken shit, and selfish for not considering how that would affect you."

Olivia took a drink of wine, taking in the long-coming moment.

"And … I should have called you when I came back," Alex said. "I wish I had some excuse for that, but I don't. I was wrong and if I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat."

"I thought you had moved on," Olivia said. "That you had forgotten me … us."

Tears began to form in Alex's eyes. "I never forgot you," Alex said. "Every day in WitSec, I thought about you. I wondered about you. I thought about the day I came home and called you and could start a life with you."

"Then why didn't you call?" Olivia said, tearing falling and voice raising slightly.

Alex clenched her lips together and shook her head. "I don't know. I really don't," she said. "When I got the call that said I could come home, I was in shock. It just happened one day, randomly, at 2:14 p.m.

"I'll never forget getting off that plane and feeling like 'home' was this strange place," she continued. "I had a couple weeks of debriefing. Marshals talking to me about how it's difficult to transition back to your old life, how I may not even want it. I thought they were crazy the first few days. But then, when I started trying to get settled back in – reconnecting with my family – it all just seemed foreign. My dad isn't the same person. I mean, he lost his daughter, then his wife.

"And home, it's not even home without Mom there. It's hard for both of us – me and Dad," Alex said. "I thought going back to work would fix it and I decided to on in guns blazing. Focus on the job. Think about the long-game and protect myself from caring so much about a case or anyone so that I'd never be in that position again."

"I…I didn't know," Olivia said. "I went to your mom's funeral."

"I know," Alex said. "My dad told me that woman detective was there."

Olivia smiled. She didn't even know Alex's dad had noticed she was there, as she'd never even met him before and just offered condolences the day of the funeral, not sure if he knew who she was.

Olivia reached out and put her hand on Alex's, then spoke slowly. "I forgive you."

Alex's blue eyes, shining from tears, darted up to Olivia's and saw the truth and compassion in them. "Thank you," she whispered.

#

After their talk and dinner, they both readied for bed, still unsure how everything would go.

"Do uh, you want me to sleep on the floor?" Olivia said.

"And leave me in the bed you probably had sex in this morning?" Alex said, smirking.

"I …" Olivia started to protest, but Alex waved her off.

"Don't even try to tell me you didn't," Alex said. "I'm pretty sure we had more morning sex than nighttime sex."

"I'm a morning person," Olivia said, grinning. "What can I say?"

Alex laughed. "Don't I know it."

"So, are you really not sleeping in the bed?" Olivia said. "I mean, there are clean sheets."

"Okay, can we just not talk about it and maybe I'll forget before we go to sleep?" Alex said.

Olivia nodded agreeing. "So, you're okay to share?"

"Yeah, but if I wake up with your arm around me again…" Alex said, stopping when Olivia bust out laughing remembering Alex's drunken night.

"I'll do my bed, but it's a pretty small bed," Olivia said. "So if you start kicking at me, I'm grabbing on and taking you with me if you push me out of bed."

"Deal," Alex said.

#

After they climbed into bed, they both rolled over to face each other, a position they had been in a hundred times. The tension between them was high and they were both nervous about the other.

"I'm glad you're here, Alex," Olivia said.

"Well, I'm sure your weekend didn't turn out the way you wanted," Alex said. "And I really am sorry about Sophia. She seemed like a good woman."

"She was," Olivia said. "But it wasn't meant to be. And yes, the weekend has been challenging … but, honestly, I can't complain about how it ended up."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Olivia said. "I don't know where you are, what you want from me, if you still want me. And, honestly, I'm going to need some time to process everything with Sophia, so I don't want to rush anything, but if you still want to be with me, then …"

Alex pressed her lips against Olivia's – kissing her quickly, but gently. It only lasted for a second before she pulled back.

"Yes, I still want to be with you," Alex said. "And I promise, until you are ready, that's the last time I'll kiss you. I want us to do this right, too. And to not rush, but Liv, I don't want us to waste time like we did before."

"So…"

"So…" Alex said.

"I guess maybe we should go on a date or something," Olivia said.

"Are you asking me out?" Alex said.

"Yes. Alex Cabot, will you go on a date with me?"

"I've never been asked out in bed before," Alex smirked.

"Nor have I, but here we are," Olivia said. "So…don't leave me hanging."

"Yes, I'd love to go on a date with you," Alex said. "But this time, I want to take you out, woo you."

"You've been wooing me for a couple of months now," Olivia said.

"And I don't plan on stopping anytime soon," Alex said.

"Ok, then," Olivia said. "You can take me out. But I get date number 2."

"Date number 2?" Alex questioned. "Awful confident in yourself, aren't you?"

"Not at all," Olivia said. "I'm just hopeful."

"Me, too," Alex said.

"Goodnight, Alex," Olivia said.

"Goodnight, Liv," Alex said.

* * *

As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!


	21. Epilogue

_A/N: Here we are ... the end of this "one-shot" that you people never let me make just a one-shot. But it's ok, because I love it when you love it._

 _Don't worry, there's plenty of flashbacks for the time jump we made. Thanks for reading, as always. Let me know what you think and follow on twitter if you want -rileyclocks._

I'll figure out what is next. I need to tie some other fics up, but if you have ideas, let me know.

* * *

 **EPILOGUE**

 ** _October 2012 – Two and a half years later_**

"You ready?"

Olivia was sitting a cushioned bench staring out the window, reflecting back on that night in the bed and breakfast that had become a regular for her and Alex's weekend getaways. They didn't get them often enough, but when they did, they made sure to take advantage of every moment.

It was a beautiful day outside and the light shone down on her face. She couldn't help but smile about her past, despite the challenges of the past couple of years.

Olivia turned around and smiled at the person standing in the doorway. Her best friend, partner, protector leaned against the doorway smiling back.

"You don't want to make Alex wait," Elliot said. "You know she's not the most patient person."

Olivia nodded. She was happy Elliot could be there and even happier she got him in a nice suit. Retirement had turned him into somewhat of a beach-bum wearing man. Of course, it wouldn't have mattered to Olivia. She couldn't imagine this day without him – without everyone who had been a part of her journey with Alex.

"I'm ready," Olivia said. She met Elliot the door way and took his arm, memories still flushing through her mind.

#

 ** _March 2010_**

 _"I can't believe we get to start our first official date this go-round by hearing about some other woman kissing you," Alex teased as her and Olivia shared a nice dinner out. "How was Babbs, anyway? She a better kisser than me?"_

 _Olivia rolled her eyes and shook her head, but she was still smiling. Nothing was going to keep the smile off her face tonight. "You know, she found you pretty attractive," Olivia said. "I'm sure if you'd spent any amount of time alone with her, she'd have tried to kiss you, too."_

 _"Let her try," Alex smirked. "I know a detective you would've probably gotten an excessive force write-up if that had happened."_

 _Olivia chuckled and nodded in agreement. "Don't I know it," she said, then turned serious. "Alex, I'm really glad we're doing this. This night is perfect. Thank you for not giving up on us."_

 _"Liv, I will never give up on us," Alex said. "Not in a million years."_

#

 ** _December 2010_**

 _"Do you want kids?"_

 _Olivia's question startled Alex, who was sitting on the couch on a Saturday morning working a crossword puzzle. She wasn't surprised by the question though, just startled out of her deep though. Olivia had just had Calvin taken away from her. Even if they knew it was only temporary, she knew how much the suddenness of it hurt Olivia._

 _"Yes, of course," Alex responded._

 _"I know you used to want to, but I wasn't sure if that changed," Olivia said. "And I know we're not there yet, but…"_

 _"Liv, I know how important having children is to you," Alex said. "And if for once second I doubted whether I wanted children myself, I would tell you. I'd never want you to be with someone who couldn't fully commit to what you want."_

 _Olivia nodded, and Alex put down her puzzle. She got up, crossed the room and sat in Olivia's lap in the large chair in the living room, putting her hands around Olivia's neck._

 _"Liv, I know we're taking this slow," Alex said. "I know we need to, but just so we're clear about the future – I want everything with you. Marriage. Home. White picket fence. Two point three kids. A dog. Ok, maybe not a dog."_

 _"Two point three kids?" Olivia said, smirking. "How do we manage a third of a child?"_

 _"We invite Elliot along on our outings with our two kids," Alex teased._

 _"Oh, I think he constitutes as more than a third," Olivia joked._

 _"Anyway, the point isn't the details of all of that. God, knows we'll never find a white picket fence in the city," Alex said. "But the marriage, the kids, babe, I want a family with you – when we're ready. And everything else that comes along with that."_

 _Olivia put her hand on Alex's face and pulled her in for a kiss – which turned into them making love right there in that chair that day._

#

 ** _September 2011_**

 _Alex had been temporarily assigned back to SVU – again – following Stabler's shooting in the precinct. But this time, everyone was aware of their relationship – even if no one spoke of it._

 _Olivia went home the evening she found out about Elliot and cried for the second time of the day. Her partner put in his paper. He wasn't coming back and he didn't even call to tell her. Deep down, Olivia knew why. Elliot knew she would only talk him out of it – and she would have tried. But she also knew it was probably the best decision for him, even if it was a good shooting._

 _She was lying in bed when she heard Alex come in._

 _"I brought dinner," Alex said, poking her head in the bedroom. "It's warm now, but it'll also reheat later if you aren't ready."_

 _Olivia nodded and gave Alex a half-hearted smile._

 _"I also went to my place and got some clean clothes for a few days," Alex said. "I thought maybe you'd want some company this weekend."_

 _It wasn't unusual for one of them to spend the weekend at the other's apartment, but Olivia knew Alex was making it known she was there for her. They spent most free nights with each other, but still had their own apartments – they hadn't talked about moving in together yet, neither was sure why._

 _Olivia reached out her hand to signal for Alex to lay down with her, which Alex did._

 _"Baby, I'm so sorry about Elliot," Alex said. "And I want to kick his ass for not calling you."_

 _Olivia shook her head. "No," she said. "I know why he didn't."_

 _"He couldn't," Alex said. Half-question. Half-statement. Olivia just nodded._

 _Alex leaned forward and kissed Olivia on the forehead. "Well, I'm here as long as you need me, ok?"_

 _Olivia relaxed into Alex's arms, then looked up into her cerulean blue eyes. "Stay."_

 _"I am, Liv," Alex said. "I brought clothes for a few days."_

 _"No, I mean, I want you to stay, Alex," Olivia said. "I don't want you to leave."_

 _Alex cocked her head. She thought she understood what Olivia was saying but wanted to be sure._

 _"Move in with me, Alex," Olivia said. "Or, I'll move in with you. Or we can get a new place. I just … I want to come home to you every night. No more back and forth."_

 _Alex smiled and kissed Olivia again, this time on the lips._

 _"I thought you'd never ask," she said._

 _#_

 ** _March 2012_**

 _"Olivia Benson, will you marry me?"_

 _Olivia wasn't expecting Alex's proposal. Sure, they had talked about marriage someday, and they were both ready, but she was still caught off-guard._

 _She'd had some time off and her and Alex decided to take a week and spend it away. They went to their favorite place – Farrell's. Over the past couple of years, they had gotten to know Lois and Harold, the innkeepers, pretty well._

 _Lois liked to laugh about that night they spent there after breaking down, and how she was sure she had recognized the two as having stayed there years before. She rarely forgot a face. At some point, Lois had shared with them after they had gone to their room that night – after the car troubles – Harold did manage to find one more roll-away bed and was about to take it to them when Lois stopped him._

 _"I have a feeling about those two," she told him._

 _Of course, Harold scoffed, given Olivia had just been there with another woman, but Lois simply told him to put the bed away and to "just wait."_

 _Olivia hadn't noticed the bed and breakfast was particularly empty this weekend. They pretty much had free roam of the property without anyone else to bother them. Even Lois and Harold had been scarce, something that wasn't typical the more they got to know the couple._

 _Olivia froze when she saw Alex drop to her knee and pull out a ring prior to the proposal. Even with Alex holding her hands before that, telling her how much she loved her, how she made her feel like the luckiest girl in the world, Olivia just hadn't been expected it – she always assumed she'd be the one to propose, and had even picked out a ring for Alex._

 _"Please say something, Liv," Alex finally said as Olivia stood there in stunned silence._

 _But the detective couldn't speak just yet. Tears filled her eyes and her hands covered her mouth. She just nodded yes._

 _The nervous look in Alex's face turned into a huge smile, as she slid the ring on Olivia's finger._

 _Finally, Olivia managed to speak. "Yes! Of course, I'll marry you, Alex!"_

 _#_

 ** _October 2012 – (where we started)_**

Here Olivia was, white dress, standing next to two of her favorite people – Elliot and Cragen. Elliot had been at her side all morning – her 'man of honor' – and Cragen got to play father and walk her down the aisle.

Olivia insisted on going first down the aisle. She could think of nothing better than to see Alex walk toward her down that aisle in a beautiful white dress.

And she was right.

Alex was stunning. It really wouldn't have mattered what she was wearing, if she had on make-up or not, or if her hair hadn't been perfect – the smile on Alex's face made her the most beautiful creature in the world to Olivia. She could never tire of seeing that.

When Alex reached Olivia, they were both nearly in tears and held onto each other's hands for dear life – both nervous and excited.

Most of the ceremony was a blur, but toward the end, everything came into focus for Olivia. Her future was here, right in front of her.

 _"Do you Alexandra, take Olivia, to be your lawfully wedded wife?"_

"I do," Alex choked out, still smiling at her soon-to-be bride.

 _"Do you Olivia, take Alexandra, to be your lawfully wedded wife?_

"I do," Olivia said, equally as emotional.

 _"By the power vested in me by the State of New York, I now pronounce you wife and wife."_

#

The two women savored their first dance – the only moment they'd had alone all day, the only moment no one would dare interrupt them.

"Endless Love" played in the background and they swayed and tried to forget about the audience watching.

"I can't believe we're here," Olivia said. "Finally."

"I knew we'd get here, Liv," Alex said. "Despite our best efforts to screw it up."

Olivia leaned forward and gave Alex a PG-rated kiss – they hadn't completely forgot about the room full of people.

"I love you, Alexandra," she said.

Alex smiled back.

"Ditto."


End file.
